Worship

When I worship I think of love, piece , happiness. Worship is what keeps me strong and alive. I started a new thing where I put headphones in and blast christian music and ignore the world. When I do that I feel such a relief. Such a calmness that enters me and it brings out the happy side of me. When I worship I just feel good and plain good and I feel like nothing can stop me. It helps me feel God everyday. When I put headphones in I feel him. I feel him all around me, everywhere comforting me and listening to me and I feel him healing me. If I had a bad day all I have to do is put my headphones in and I'm okay. Another thing I do is write music to God or play and sing to God. It's my personal relationship with him so I can choose to show him I love him the way I please. I choose to show my love for him through music. Worship get's real and exciting and it's something people really have to experience. When I'm singing on stage in front of a crowd I feel God. Almost as if he's inside of me and I get hot and sweaty and I just feel his grace beside me. Just as if he's wrapping me in his arms and there is no other place I'd rather be. Music is my prayer to God, It's my pain, my worries, my sorrows and my concerns as well as my love for him. Music keeps my depression and anger away and brings me back to who I am as a person. God's love is more powerful than anything on this planet. It's wonderful and brilliant and it helps me understand the world and different people on another level. "Anytime you feel alone put on your headphones"- Britt Nicole.

Worship makes me whole , makes me knew and it helps me breathe. I don't know where I would be if God didn't give me the ability to be able to worship. 

Here's some bible verses  researched that helped me understand what it means to "worship"

Psalms 100:2 - Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

1 Chronicles 16:29 - Give unto the LORD the glory [due] unto his name: bring an offering, and come before him: worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

What I went through this August Through now

I went through such a difficult time probably beginning in the middle of August. My depression came back, My anger came back & my pain came back. I saw dark days. I began thinking of ways I could end my life. I neglected God. Stopped going to church for months, stopped praying, stopped reading and I completely gave up on him. Because there were times when it felt like he wasn't there. So I just gave up all the love I had for him and threw it away. But when I did that, things only got worse. I began go ogling different ways I could end my life. I thought about packing my bags and leaving without my family knowing. Horrible thoughts, Horrible dreams were coming back into my life. It felt like I took 6 years worth of steps ALL the way backwards. I began taking anger out on my family. Saying horrible mean things to my parents because I had so much anger about everything. I've been through a lot of pain in my life and I thought I threw it all in the trash but really there was still some left over in me. I still haven't gotten rid of it yet. But what I have is God back. He's not fully back in my life but I'm working him in slowly. Somebody I know got me an amazing beautiful bible & I just can't wait to learn about God because now I have a bible that I can understand. Ya know I think I stopped writing in my blog because I thought " How can I write in my blog if I'm not living a life full of Christ"? Because I wasn't. I stopped but now I'm working him back in. I know I have support, I know I have love but I think what I need is to separate myself from worldly people. What I mean by that is temporarily cutting people off so I can focus on me. And get myself straight. Because right now I'm walking on a curved road. I need to straighten it out and being around the people that make me unhappy. Is not good for me right now. I'm focusing on me and taking this time to relax and get myself together. If your lost, or angry or tired. Begin your spiritually journey with God. He will turn everything around and bring you back to yourself again. Like he is starting to do to me<3.

Three Teachers That Have Impacted My Life.

A lot of teachers have impacted my life over the years. I've had some bad ones, I've had some good ones. But there are three teachers that really taught me about life. Ms. Beam, Mr. Elder & Mr.Kealy. Let's start with Ms. Beam. My first day of sixth grade gym class I was freaking out I was so nervous. But really we just sat on the bleachers and waited for our name to be called for our uniform. Apparently, Ms. Beam called my name a bunch of times but I didn't hear her because I was talking with my friends. (whoops). At first I was scared of her. But as the time went on she impacted my life more than she'll ever know. I would come into gym class upset and she would talk to me about the problem  and she would try and help. She understood my problems and what I was going through at that time. She believed in me and she showed me she believed in me by being as nice as she was & She supported me.  She tried  to understand the drama I went through in middle school. She tried to understand me and I knew I could talk to her if I was getting bullied at school or if I had a bad day at home. I knew I could count on her. She was a great gym teacher and inspired me to be the nice person I am today. Mr.Elder I don't really remember how I met him. Because I know he was the guys middle school gym teacher. I'm pretty sure I met him at my 7th grade talent show. He Is a musician! I'm guessing talented, I've never really heard him sing or perform himself. But he heard something in my voice he loved. He told me I was really good. He inspired me to continue to go with music. He inspired me to never ever give up with it and to follow my heart. He also inspired me to pick up a guitar and learn. Than when 8th grade came I got a guitar for my birthday and learned how to play. He believed in my music so much he gave me his guitar to play for my 8th grade talent show night. He showed me that there are nice teachers out there and I'll never forget him ever. He was also my health teacher and hearing his stories about suicide and drugs and everything else it just made me feel like he understood where I was coming from with my depression. He actually heard I was suicidal and reported it and honestly he probably changed my life from that moment on. He was a great teacher, Somebody I'll always remember. Now were onto my last teacher. Mr. Kealy. I don't even know what to say. He impacted my life probably the most out of anybody. He picked me to be football manager. He encouraged me to do field day when I had so much anxiety I didn't want too. He talked to me about my gym grade and told me what I needed to do to bring it up. He really inspired me to keep going. I probably wouldn't have been able to get through gym class if it wasn't for him. Because he pushed me to be a better person physically and mentally. He made me come out of my comfort zone. Out of my shell and my anxiety and he pushed me because he knew I could accomplish anything. I heard he teaches at the high school now. He is a teacher I'll always remember . I'll always remember Ms. Beam, Mr. Elder & Mr. Kealy. They were gym teachers at William Penn Middle School. & I will never forget either of them. They were the only teachers that made me into who I was . I'll take there encouragement with me always & I'll always believe in myself because I know they believed in me and they probably still do. I am blessed to have been able to have met them. Be thankful for who you come across. There's always a reason why you meet somebody even if it's for a year- or two years. Cherish every moment.:) Have a good night!

How a Guy Should Treat A Girl....

When I meet a guy I usually notice three things. 1. Does he Shake my Hand when he introduces himself  2. Does he hold doors open for girls. 3. Does he have maturity and respect ( Meaning he doesn't make fun of others and he acts like an adult in public). All of those things attract me . Those are the three things I want to see when I have a first introduction with a guy. So far, I haven't met one that has met those three strong qualities I look for. But I know I will. A Guy should treat a girl like a princess. I'm not saying go all out and buy her tons of jewelry or flowers . What I mean by that is, A Guy should be there for the women he loves. If she is going through a hard time he should tell her everything's going to be okay. He should pray with her or bring home her favorite food. He could even do something simple as like doing the dishes after dinner. A Guy should also RESPECT his girlfriend/wife. What I mean by that is there should be no name calling. If she get's on your nerves or your arguing about something . The best thing you can do would be walk away from the situation and go for a drive and then come back in an hour and hug her and tell her you love her. You should hold the door open for her, You should call her beautiful. You should also respect her family. Respect what her family wants out of you and out of life. A Big one is  Always respect Dad & Mom.  If you respect her parents that means you respect her. & Never check out other girls in public. If you really love the women your with. You will never have to look at another women again. You'll only have eyes for the one your with. Show her off. Bring her to every family event and friend gathering. Bring her to your favorite places. Be funny ( Sometimes we need a good laugh). Another big one is respect her tv time. There's just sometimes where we want to watch our shows just like you want to watch your sports. So give us that time. Sometimes we get cranky ( Yes I know, it's bad). Sometimes were an emotional wreck where we cry over everything. In those times the best thing you could do would bring home some ice cream or some chocolate and sit down and cuddle with her, put on her favorite movie and tell her to relax. Another thing is always practice good hygiene. That's a big thing for women . We always want a guy to look nice and clean cut. I know this is asking for a lot but I'm pretty sure you ask a lot out of us as well. The best thing would be to do these things for her. & If you do these things the women you love will respect you and give back what she has received from you. I've seen great marriages in my family and the ones that have lasted so long were because of the man. If a Man is who he is and does what he's supposed to do as a husband/boyfriend. Nothing will fail because you will always keep her happy. & I guarantee she will always try and keep you happy if you make her happy. Being in a relationship is a big commitment . I'm not there yet, because I haven't found "him" yet or even somebody I want to be my boyfriend.  But what I can tell you is there's somebody out there for all of us. Love does exist ( I've seen it). & The most important thing is you should be in love with your best friend. But if you want to receive this kind of love from a guy. The number 1 thing you could do would be to respect your body & yourself. If you don't respect yourself your going to attract the wrong guys. There are good guys out there, but usually they look for something specific in somebody. So be that somebody. Be a "nice girl". & Don't give up because there's love out there for all of us. Were all still young experiencing parties, and college, & work. So the best thing we could all do would be the best person we could be. & If we do that than the right person will come along at the right time:)

Suicide-How I view the subject.

Robin Williams one of my very favorite actors passed away recently. I was scrolling through the web to notice what was trending and I saw his name. My heart sunk and shattered into pieces. How could this happen? Somebody so loved by the world? Somebody that touched so many lives. Why? I then read that he passed away from suicide. I became angry, Because I know what it feels like to want to die. Nobody should ever have to experience that pain, that dread , that exhaustion. But I know how he felt and it makes me sad that he felt that way. Some people in my life have said " Suicide is selfish" Because you leave your family and friends behind. I have completely different views. Suicide is not selfish. It is a choice that Is made because of the pain the person is experiencing. Imagine everyday waking up and going to work or school with a smile upon your face. Having to be happy but then when you go home laying on your bed crying your eyes out so angry at the world. That was me six years ago. I would come home from school and lie on the couch and just start crying. I'd ask my parents and beg them asking them if they could just let me stay home. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to hangout with friends. I wanted to be home in my own dark thoughts.  But that person wasn't who I was. I have such a happy, bubbly personality . I have such a big heart . But nobody knows the struggles I deal with. That's the point, Nobody knows what's really going on inside of everybody's minds. Everybody in the world is struggling with something. We just all have to learn to deal with it. Come up with different coping skills and find something we love to do. Suicide is an answer to a problem that the person is to terrified to reveal.. The person is so caught up in there thoughts and there pain, That the outside world and everybody involved doesn't matter. What matters is getting away. The person is usually at the end of there rope. They don't want to go on, There sick and tired of not feeling loved or feeling unworthy. Maybe not feeling accepted. Maybe a drug or alcohol problem Maybe there hearing voices. But the interesting part is that most suicides are due to problems in the person's life. Maybe within the family, money problems, friend problems, bullying. It's the people around them that cause this pain. My pain came from underlying problems within my family and friendships and with bullying. It was caused by what I was going through and what I was put through from other people in my life. That's why we have to be so cautious about what we say. We always have to lend a helping hand. We always have to love one another and remind each other that were there for each other. People always say " Don't blame your problems on other people" when in reality that may be true but we can blame the people in our life for causing us heartache. We can blame our parents divorce, Or our family member that treats us horribly , or drug and alcohol problems within the family, a bad bring up. We can blame all of  that because all of those things affect us. All of those things drag us down. So YES blame all of it. Because those things and people's ignorance and negativity usually cause somebody to commit suicide. LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Watch what you say, Treat everybody with respect and don't let the evil world or your family or your friends or drugs and alcohol bring you to being suicidal . If you feel that way talk to somebody. Do not be afraid. & If you see somebody who is showing the signs lend out a hand. Everything will be okay if we just fix these problems!! Robin Williams made me think of all of these thoughts. That's why I love him. Because he's another reason why I want to help people:) Have a good night everyone.

My New Job & The anxiety I'm dealing with.

So recently I got a new job at a  new Shoprite in Yardley PA. To  be honest I don't have that much "Job experience". I worked on my families farm off and on for about two years. I ran the register, went into the fields and just did whatever I could to get some experience. I decided to leave the farm because I wanted to go on my own path. Search for my own destiny. I knew I didn't want to be apart of the farm forever.  Than my second Job was at a daycare. I changed diapers, played with the kids and cleaned bathrooms pretty much..  I left the daycare Job because I wanted something more professional. I wanted to work for a real company. A company where I could get benefits and other special things and I wanted to expand my experience. I loved the kids. I loved seeing them and being with them. But I really wanted to work in a good solid company. So I chose Shoprite. My first interview I was nervous but I acted completely like myself. I applied for a Scrunchy Position. The Scrunchy position is child care in the store. Parents can take there children to Scrunchy's Playhouse and there children can be watched while they go shopping within the store. But the position filled up and they didn't have it available anymore. So they decided to put me in produce. I had to do an Orientation, WBT training ( Web based Training). Food Safety Training & Clerk Training & Cashier Training. I got to tell you it was exhausting. I was overwhelmed with all of the information I had to learn in such a short time. My Anxiety got the best of me. I began coming home and crying my eyes out and Praying to God that this Job would get easier. I officially started my live training in Philadelphia. It was hard, Learning how to use a knife properly cutting every kind of fruit and vegetable imaginable and using this giant machine called a Pineapple corer. Not to mention getting the salad bar ready! I'm not going to lie to you, My anxiety was so bad I thought I was going to pass out. But I stayed cool, Stayed myself and just tried my best. People think Produce is super easy. But it's not there's a lot to it. But once you get all of the information you need and practice it will become a piece of cake. Shoprite is a great company and I am so happy this company hired me. People may say..Oh it's just a Grocery store. But it's more than that. It's a family. It's an opportunity. A lot of the managers started out small and worked there way up. There's endless possibilities within this store and with this Job that I'm taking it and I'm going to work my butt off and try my best. I believe this Job was given to me by the Lord. I believe this was his plan for me. I asked him for a Job to come my way and here it is! If you feel hopeless about God's plan trust in him, Seek him and try your best. You never know what he will show you! I still don't know the rest of my future plan . But I do know he got me this far & I am more than happy he has been there when I've fallen . My anxiety has gotten better these last few weeks and I couldn't be happier with how things have been going<3. & No I'm not saying it's going to be perfect but I know God is here with me<3. I'll be praying for all of you! Don't give up!

How I want a Guy to View Me

I'm going to be honest. Trying to get a guy to accept me is hard. I'm a bigger girl and I don't look like the average girl. I'm very different in my appearance. Finding a boyfriend has been a big struggle for me. I'm not actively looking by any means. But Guys usually are just never interested in me. A lot of guys end up viewing me as there "sister". Which honestly, That hurts a lot. Who wants to be in the friend zone? NOBODY. It is the worst feeling because you see all of these qualities you like in someone but they look at you as family and that's super hard. For me a Guy doesn't have to have anything special. What I see that is special is somebody who's driven, Who's got a job and a car and somebody who has the same interest's as me. Hygiene is important. But besides those things I could careless what he looks like. Of course there are guys that I'm attracted to but there usually the guys that will break my heart If I fall for them. The thing is, Guys all want the same thing. Brunette, Blonde, Red Head. Straight teeth, Skinny or Curvy and Great Personality. Yes there are girls that I'm completely jealous of. Because they could get any guy they want. But then I second guess myself. The person she's dating  or the guys that like her did they fall for her personality or did they fall for her looks ?  As a bigger girl I get that advantage. I get that advantage that okay, I may not look like all of the other girls. But If a guy falls for me, That means he looked at my heart instead of my outward appearance. That's what I want honestly. I don't want a guy to look at me and say "she's beautiful". I want a guy to talk to me and get to know me and then tell me I'm beautiful. I want a guy to see the good in my heart. I want a guy to see my heart as beautiful. I'll be praying for him and I'll be waiting for him. Whenever God decides to introduce him in my life, I'll be ready.  But to the girls who are struggling with this, YOU ARE A ONE OF A KIND GIRL. Just because your different doesn't mean you won't find love. There's true love out there for everybody. I truly believe that and I know it will come to each and everyone of us at the correct time. If your depressed because you can't find somebody to love you for you. Don't worry because there's a guy that's going to love EVERY inch of you and no matter what you look like you'll find him. Those guys that look at you and don't accept your appearance. Do NOT deserve you. & Ya know what? Those guys that won't accept your appearance will be complaining later that there getting treated badly. So please don't feel bad. Learn to look inside of yourself and find beauty. & Pray that you will find somebody. Because God has somebody set aside for you and he has a long amazing journey set aside for you. I'll be praying for you <3. Peace, love , happiness.- Amanda

Gay Rights

I'm going to give you my honest opinion. Do I agree with gay rights ? No, I don't. But only because the bible says marriage should be between a man and a women. I honestly don't understand somebody being gay. It doesn't make sense to me and I'll never understand it because I'm not gay. But here's why I think Christian's are ignorant towards gay people. From doing my research on suicide. I have found out that a lot of people who have committed suicide have been found to have been gay. I think the reason why Gay people are killing themselves is because Christians are being judgmental and there not accepted. Everyone wants to be accepted. I want to be accepted for my weight but some people want to be accepted for being Gay. A Gay person has the right to feel accepted. They have the right to be happy and feel loved. But were not giving them that. I know Christians who are angry that countries are letting Gay marriage be allowed. Which yeah is it right? NO. It's not it's completely wrong. But at the same time we as Christians should accept there choices. We shouldn't judge who they are. The bible talks about how marriage is between a man and a women. But the bible also says not to judge people and that our job as Christians is to come with love. How can we come with love when were so judgmental? When we get angry because there passing marriage laws and churches are allowing gay marriage? It makes me really sad. Because the suicide numbers would go down if we just accepted these people. Hug them, Tell them you love them and go to there wedding and be there for the person. Just because the bible says no doesn't mean you have the right judge someone's marriage or judge someone who's gay. It's our job as Christians to show love. If we judge to much, Than we are just gonna draw people away from Christianity. It's our to job to show people God's love. God loves those who are gay. No matter what he loves them. So we have to love them like God loves them. If I had a child that was gay I would accept them no matter what. I'd go to there wedding, I'd treat there spouse as my own family. I would not disown my child or pound in there head that the bible says Marriage is Between a Man and a Women. I would never ever do that. Being a Christian is about having acceptance for other people. It is not our job to get angry over gay marriage laws. It is not our Job to judge somebody who's gay. It's God's Job. Let God take care of it. Our Job is to love one another and treat each other as family. If us Christians start accepting people who are gay instead of push them away. The suicide rate will go down and happiness will go up.

Daily Stress

Stress for me is daily. There's not a day where I'm not stressed. I know it's apart of life and stress is what happens. I can't control it at all, But I can only learn to deal with it. Stress comes from school, work , friends, boyfriend/girlfriend problems. Problems in the family and so much more. Stress makes you sick. It makes you feel awful. I get headaches, My stomach hurts, I get nauseous and I get so angry to the point where I just shut down and don't speak to anybody. My outlet is writing this blog but it's also playing my music, praying and just relaxing. There's days when I need to stay home. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and I want to be by myself for a day. Or there's days where I'd like to go out to dinner or go to a movie. It depends on my mood but you should always find something to relieve your stress. Your always going to have stress and your always going to have to deal with stressful situations. Your just going to have to find ways to deal with it. Go for a walk, Go for a drive, Go out with friends, Go to church, Or stay home and read a book. Whatever works for you. You choose:) I'll be praying for you.

Healing

Healing takes a lot of time. It takes years, It doesn't just happen overnight. It's a very long process. Honestly, I'm not healed yet. I'm not healed from all of my past and my anger and pain. But I'm working on it and each day I have to work on it. It's not easy trying to heal your heart and mind. Think of a glass that you shatter into pieces. Sometimes you can put it back together. But it all depends how much work you put in. & If you do end up putting the pieces back together. The brokenness will still be there but the glass will be repaired . It's just like your heart. Your heart may be shattered and broken. But with a little bit of work you can put the pieces back together. The memories will still be there for the past but your heart will be repaired and you'll be able to move on. A lot of bad things happen. Not everyone has a perfect life and everybody experiences pain.  I don't care who you are, There's always something that happens that affects you and changes you. What I went through changed me. The first time I changed I was making wrong decisions. I LOVED to sin. It was the best feeling in the world. I didn't feel gross, I felt happy and I thought I was filling a void. But when I found God I changed for the second time. But in a good way and the healing began. The first step to healing is finding The lord. You really have to know that you want him. You really have to do some research. Read your bible, Talk to your pastor, Get books about the bible like Ken Ham's book "Answers". If you really want to know God's real that's how your going to find him. The second step is praying to him. Praying is therapeutic . There's been times where I've wept to God and where I've been on my hands and knees praying to him. It helps so much and it helps you relax and get in a better state of mind. The third thing is to surround yourself with people who treat you well. Don't ever deal with being mistreated. Even if you only have one friend it's better than to have people who don't care in your life. The Fourth thing Is to reach out to others when your feeling down or upset. Never hold anything in. The Fifth thing is to find a hobby. Find something that takes your mind off of stuff. Whether it be running, playing your guitar, going to a park. Find something you love to do. The sixth thing is to write at night. Writing helps so much. Write about your life, Write about how you feel. There's so much more I can say but I hope these are helpful. Healing is a long process and yes, Times will be hard and those old memories will form when your bored. But always remember your loved and that those memories will go away again. I love you, I'm praying for you & I'm always here for you!

I'm ready

  I'm ready to help other people. With my degree  in Christian Counseling that I will get one day, I will be able to work in a church or a mental health facility or even open up my own business. Either way I'll be helping people. A lot of people have said to me , Well how are you going to be a counselor if your not 100 % right? To be honest I know I'll never be 100 % right. It's just not going to happen. I'm always going to have bipolar. I'll always have triggers. I'll always have episodes and I'll always be either happy or depressed. Having bipolar is normal for me. Yes it's hard. It's the hardest thing to go through but having Bipolar is not going to stop me from helping other people who are going through all of the things I went through. I understand what it's like to be angry. I understand what it's like to be really depressed, to be on medication, to have people in your life that don't understand. I get it all and that's why I think I'm perfect for this field. The purpose of this blog is so people can see what it's like to live with bipolar. A lot of people don't understand and I figured this is a perfect way for people to see that people with bipolar have futures and they are normal. They are just having a harder time than the regular person would. I have hope and faith that everything's going to be okay. I know it will, it's just going to take some time. Bipolar will not define me. I will define myself and I will never ever give up. I will always keep trying.

What my Grandmothers Mean To Me.

My Dad's mother's  name is Barbara and My Mom's mother's name is Cynthia. Both of my grandmothers mean the world to me. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have such beautiful, inspiring such strong women in my life. My Grandmom McMahon (Dad's mom) is amazing. Her light shines through to me and she not only shows me what it means to be a true Christian. But she shows me her love. Whenever I see her a big smile comes across my face because I know she'll always be there for me. There's times where she hasn't agreed on my choices but that's what families are for! To steer you in the right direction. She's one of the only people that know me and understand me. She is like my second mom and I am so blessed to be able to call her my grandmother. My Grandmom Stewart ( Mom's mom) Is such a blessing as well. She's seen me cry, she's seen me laugh and I love girls days with her. We usually go out to lunch and see a movie or go shopping . With her I know I'll always have a good time and I'll always be relieved because I know I can tell her anything and she'll give me her opinion on life. She has been through a lot and I respect her for overcoming life and beating it. She is not only my best friend but she's my grandmother. She's also like my second mom. I hope I can give them the world someday. If you have a grandmother that treats you well. Tell her you love her everytime you see her. Don't be afraid to give her a big hug because she appreciates it!

Drug Addicts Need Our Love

I just read an article on how it feels to be a drug addict and I must say it opened my eyes to a whole other world that I didn't even know existed. I knew drug addicts went through a lot but I didn't know how severe. My heart breaks for them. I have family members who have struggled with addiction and friends who have struggled with addiction. It's difficult and it's everywhere. Drugs are everywhere. Honestly at my young 18 years of age. I know where to get it because it's in my neighborhood. I also know who sells the drugs that are in my neighborhood.  I can go to there house and get it if I wanted to. But because I have no interest in drugs what's so ever I stay completely away.  Isn't that sad? I'm an 18 year old. Why on earth would I be in contact with people who sell drugs? But in honesty. There people I went to middle school with and high school and even elementary school. That's how I know who they are. Drugs are everywhere around me. I'll walk in a store and look at somebody and see track marks on there arms. What has this world come to? Like I've said in my past blogs this is the complete broken age. There is brokenness around me. That I cannot control. It's super difficult and the word Drugs hits people hard. It's not a comfortable subject for anybody, not even me. It's exhausting watching our family members and friends on drugs. It's so hard and it takes a lot out of us. Trying to love that person even when there hurting us and ruining our lives. But what I've learned is no matter what that person does. They need our love and our support. I'm not saying enable them by giving them money. I'm saying hug them when you see them. Tell the person you love them everyday. Give them some food and some water. And just sit and talk to that person. I know a drug addict might make you super angry. But don't hold onto that anger. Talk to somebody about it, Pray about it and don't focus all of your time on it. Just show your love to that person in need. To be honest it's hard for me. Am I angry at drug addicts? Yes I am because I think like why in the world are you hurting the people around you? But really there hurting inside. They don't mean to hurt family members and friends. There just suffering with depression. You see, I suffer from depression and it was very easy for me to get on drugs. I could've chose to start. But I didn't because I got help. I went to therapy, I went to treatment. I got the help I needed before I went down that route. Drug addicts suffer a long time with there pain and they never seek treatment. They seek drugs as there treatment. That's how it begins. Nowadays drug addicts can even get drugs from there doctor. Which is heartbreaking but it's been done. I'm going to ask you all to do something for me. If you have a drug addict in the family. Hug them when they walk in the door. Pray for them at night and read scripture for guidance. God always has a purpose and a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter what happens you are very strong for putting up with a drug addict in your life. But continue to stay strong because you never know, the person could turn there life around. There's hope out there. And if you are a drug addict yourself. There is help out there and people who love and support you. But only you can change yourself. Nobody can force you to go to treatment. You have to want happiness. Once you put that drug down, happiness will follow. It won't be easy and some days will be better than others. But you'll have the support along the way with your sobriety. Prayers for all of you. If you need prayer or you have a concern. Message me on facebook! Or email me! Have a good day!

What's been going on in my head lately.

I'm going to be completely honest. I've been drifting from God lately. I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to be doing as a Christian. I haven't been reading my bible or going to church or even acting like a Christian. I have like a wave of guilt over me because I know I've been hurting God. & To be honest I don't mean to. I try not to but it's just like this world and the way people live in this world just takes over me and then I just leave my Christian life behind. I mean obviously I don't drink or do anything like that. It's just more like neglecting God and making mistakes. I know were all sinners and were all not supposed to be perfect. But I've completely left God. That's why I haven't written in a couple of days because I've been doing wrong and I don't want to show people the love of God if I'm not living it. It's only been a week that I've been living the non-Christian life. When I say non-Christian I've just been cursing and not reading my bible and just not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Like I feel like my wild side is coming out. I'm beginning to like not reading the bible and I'm beginning to become interested in parties and alcohol . But I think it's because I've been in a shell for so long. I don't go out with friends. I don't go to parties . I don't do anything which is bad because now whenever I go out I get this wave of anxiety on me. I created my anxiety and it's my fault. But sometimes I blame my parents or my family members. Because all of my life I've been told drinking's bad that smoking's bad and that being at a party is bad. But let's be realistic. It's what every teenager is doing ! Every teenager is going out with friends and staying out until 1 am and going to parties, drinking , smoking and having boyfriends/girlfriends. It's what this culture is doing. And yeah adults will try and tell  you not every teenager is doing it. But trust me, I know about all of Pennsbury and it's what there doing .  Of course I don't have to engage in those activities. But sometimes I honestly want to. This Christian life becomes exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be a normal teenager. When I tell people my age that I don't drink or smoke they look at me like I'm crazy. So I feel like I'm missing out on "fun". I feel like I never learn to let loose, That I never can be myself and I'm always uptight. I feel like I don't even know how to have fun anymore. But it's because all I'm surrounded by are people that like to sit in there house and just talk all the time. When really I would rather be out in the world doing so many fun things! I know I have to learn to have a balance between having fun and being a Christian. I can't just go out drinking all the time and I can't just go out to parties when I please. The Bible says No to drinking. So I've always stayed away from it and I will continue to do so. But I still have an interest in going to parties and having fun. And I will. I'm not going to listen to people who tell me it's wrong. Because I'm not going to be the unfun person anymore. I want to be fun. I want to be out in the world with friends doing normal teenage things. & People will tell me to befriend people at church. But honestly it's everywhere it's even in church & I know because I'm friends with people from both of my churches and they all do the same thing.  It's hard to find a balance. I'm not going to drink or smoke ever in my life I hate it and I know it's wrong. But just because I don't do those things doesn't mean that I won't go to parties or go to the beach or just do fun things. It's time I stop being filled with anxiety and just go and be myself. God will tell me when enough is enough. & He will tell me when I'm doing wrong. I think all I have to do right now is pray about this and my choices and who I hangout with and just read my bible and get back into church. I need to start that life again and just build on that. But I'm not going to be sitting in my house anymore doing nothing. I'm going to go out with friends and be a normal teenager.

A Big Wake Up Call For Me

I realized today..That I judge way to much. I thought all of my life that people who smoke and drink are losers but really they aren't. There people like you and me who have lives, who do good in school, who have good jobs and who live healthy lives. Just because somebody drinks and gets drunk it doesn't mean that there bad people. & Just because somebody smokes weed it doesn't mean there losers and there going to be nothing in life. But that's all I've been told. From so many people. From Christian's, From non Christians and Teachers . "weed's bad". "Drinking's bad". But really it's our culture. Yeah of course in the bible it says don't do those things . Which as a Christian I will stand behind what the bible says. I won't do either of those things. But that's not going to stop me from hanging out with people my age who do those things. Because there still good people . Who am I to judge somebody based on them smoking weed or drinking? I've already been in situations where I've gotten asked if I wanted any alcohol . Which yes I've taken them.  I had my first drink when I was 10 years old. But when I found God I decided I wasn't going to engage in those activities. I've gotten asked a bunch of times after I found God and I've turned all of those opportunities down because I know it's not what God wants me to do. Which is perfectly fine. But I'm still going to be friends with people who engage in those things.  I will be in settings where I'm faced with alcohol and weed again but that's  fine because I will always say no. I will stand behind what God says. But I'm also not going to preach to others on what they should be doing and what's right and wrong because that's not my Job. That's the Lord's Job. I've learned I have to stop judging those people who do those things and accept them. Because some of them are the sweetest people you'll ever meet. Let's all be friends:)

How Meeting Someone Touched My Life

A Couple of weeks ago I was in the hair salon getting ready to get my hair done for my graduation from  high school. I've been going to the same hairdresser since I was young so I always go to her. As I was sitting down in the waiting room I was minding my own business just hanging out . Then  this stranger walked in and she sat down a couple of chairs away from me. She started talking to me about the hair salon and how she loves it there. But then she started getting personal with me. She began talking to me about bullying and how it affected her grandchildren's lives. She started asking me about my high school and she said the nicest things to me. She told me I was beautiful. She also smiled when I began to tell her I chose online school. She told me I made the best decision for myself. She also told me I was very Sentimental, That I was going to go far in life and that if I have God nothing will hold me back. It's people like her that give me hope. God gave me that lady to show me his love and that there are good people in the world. I will never forget her. I will always smile when I think of her . God gave me a blessing that day:)

This Generation

This generation makes me wonder how were going to be a successful world. We have kids on the computer and there iphones. We have kids playing video games instead of going outside. We have kids that disrespect there parents... But then again .Adults complain about this generation. But in reality they raised us. We wouldn't be who we are if it wasn't for the Adults of this generation. You see, back when adults were young there were less problems. A better economy and families had good times back then. Not to mention families had dinners back then at the table every night and there were good parents. Also kids played outside with there friends and there parent's weren't on there backs. Times are different now. The foundation of parents are gone. Celebrities have taken over the world, There's drugs an alcohol everywhere and insecurities that teens face. Adults are more on there children. There's more rules, Were not allowed to go wherever we please because now you can't even do that without dangers of getting kidnapped or something bad happening. Times have changed and I think adults forget that. There's brokenness everywhere. It's not like the Brady Bunch anymore . There are things we face at young ages that back than no kid would ever have to go through. We are the broken age. But I think that doesn't mean we can't be something or change things. I have hope for us. I just think Adults need to understand more of what we go through. It's a difficult time for us and nobody really can relate unless your a teenager or are growing up in this generation. It's not easy and it's really hard. Sometimes I wish I could just go outside with friends and do what I want. Sometimes I wish my family would have sit down dinners. Sometimes I wish there were no computers or cell phones or video games. But I'm growing up in this world where things have changed. There's kid's on heroin and cocaine. There's kids not going to church on Sunday's with there families. Your not even allowed to mention God in school anymore. People are getting raped and there's murders everywhere and arrests and break in's . There's bullying but instead of " You smell" like back then. There's " The world would be better if your killed yourself" kind of bullying. If your an adult I just want you to understand what we go through an that things aren't easy for us. We face things that you wouldn't even believe. If your a parent just understand your child and understand this generation.  I think relationships with your children would be much better if you just understood. That's the problem, Parents and family members just don't understand and they cannot possibly relate to us. That's why you have kids rebelling and not being nice to there parents. Because they can't possibly understand what we go through.

" Super Hero Franky"

Super Franky was the super hero of Levittown and all over bucks county and maybe even the world. I first saw his picture when somebody shared his mother's post on facebook about how he's doing and what he has. To this day I don't know how she did it. She worked her butt off to give the best to little Franky! That's an inspiration in it's own. Franky made me smile. Seeing the posts people would write about him and seeing his pictures brought tears to my eyes. I know having what he had must have been awful. But the awesome part was God was shining his light through it all. I would read some of the comments people would write on his  facebook page . The love I saw from people was amazing. It really gave me hope in this generation and this world. The kind words people would say and the prayers that Franky got were amazing. He was a beautiful young happy little boy. Despite the illness he had. That didn't bring him down. He still had a smile on his face. This area all came together for Franky. He passed away recently and that's really tough to deal with, That hit me hard because I thought why did God not fix this little boy? .  But really God had a plan for me through watching  Franky's life. Franky and his story and his life gave me hope. Franky gave me hope that everything will be okay within my life. Franky also gave me the strength to start a blog. Franky's mother makes me want to be a mother like her someday. And Franky helped me see the beauty in life even when it's dark. I never even met him face to face but seeing pictures and hearing his updates and stories. I felt like I already knew him. I also know that Franky is not in the ground. He is where he needs to be and that's heaven. God had a plan through Franky's life for all of us not just my life. That was inspiration. We all wouldn't be so inspired if it wasn't for Franky. We all wouldn't cherish our kids more or our family members more .We probably wouldn't have the strength to go on. Franky gave this dark town it's life back. Franky was our guardian angel and to this day I believe he will always be watching over all of us in heaven. I just ask that all of you stay strong through this. Because Franky's " Home". Franky is where he belongs and I will always remember him as the amazing little super hero that was a super hero in my own life:) Love you Franky!!!

An Eye Shadow That Made A Difference In How I View Sin .

My sister got me this expensive eye shadow pallet for my birthday in October. ( It lasted forever) I fell in love with this color called "Sin". It's just a beautiful simple, color that just makes my eyes pop. But I recently ran out. As I'm thinking about getting just the color again from Sephora instead of getting the whole pallet again it dawned on me. Sin is easy to fall in to. It's a temptation . It may be beautiful and silky and make us feel whole. But eventually we run out of steam and then where are we supposed to go? We should only go up. But we have to be the ones to make a choice. Do we want to be happy? Or Do we want to keep living this crappy life. That choice is up to you. Sin could look beautiful on the outside but once you get on the inside of it. It ruins your life. Sin is everywhere and whether we like it or not we have to face it everyday. And Yes we will fail at least one time each day. Because were not perfect and were all sinners. We just have to repent ( Ask God For Our Forgiveness). And then we are set to face another day. Each day is different. Each day we face different things. It just matters what we choose and how we make our choices better.

Yes, I did get this all from an eye shadow called Sin haha.

My opinion on Video Games

Video games is a subject so many stand behind. But I think differently. Video games are the mastermind of this generation. It's changing our generation into being Lazy and turning people into morphed mushrooms than actual human beings. Some video games are great such as Candy Crush and Flappy Bird. Any video game that causes you to use your brain is perfect. Driving games were always my favorite because I thought they were "fun". As well as guitar hero because it's not taking you away from what's important which is life. Some people become so obsessed with video games that it's all that matters. The sports video games like Madden don't worry me.  It's the violent ones that worry me . The one I really dislike is Grand Theft Auto. My question is why would people want to put those awful things in our brain. I don't know because I know I wouldn't. I for sure know I wouldn't want my child playing those video games. It may not be affecting our age crazy bad. But its affecting us enough to the point where Men don't even know how to be men anymore. They don't know how to change a tire or fix a toilet or even how to treat a women. I think it's all because of video games. I also think women are becoming so obsessed with video games that we don't know how to cook or clean or be responsible women. Video games is taking a crap load to our generation. Whatever happened to sweet video games like Mario cart back in the old days?. All I know I'm against video games. Once in awhile fun night with the family video game night is fine but when somebody is playing video games all day all the hours of the night. That's when it's wrong. I think if we would set boundaries for ourselves about video games this generation would be much stronger.

Family

What does family mean to me? Family means support and love. My family is amazing. My mom and dad are always there. My sister pushes me to believe in myself. I got tons of aunts and uncles that love me and that are there for me. And My cousins are all my best friends. Not to mention I didn't tell you about both of my grandmothers who support me no matter what. It's an amazing feeling to have family. But sometimes just because you have a good family. That doesn't mean that bad things aren't going to happen within your family. It's normal for families to get into fights, to gossip about each other and maybe you have one family member you worry about. Those things are all normal. But some of the things people go through are extraordinary. Some teenagers my age lost there mom or dad at a young age. Maybe even a sibling. Some  teenagers my age there whole family is on drugs. Some teenagers my age don't have anybody to turn to in there family because there family is broken beyond belief. That happens and I've seen it a bunch of times. Sometimes all people want is a loving family. A family that is there but sometimes people don't have that. I don't understand what that feels like. But I do have to say that sometimes my family doesn't support me in what I do. Sometimes they make me angry and do things that just annoy me. But the thing that I've learned is I can't change my family. I can't change them, No matter how hard I try there not going to change. So what I've applied to my own life is that I have to focus on myself. If everybody in my family are messed up in different ways then I have to ignore them. It may hurt to watch your family not be who you want them to be. But the only way you can get away from that negativity in your life is if you ignore it. It may hurt so bad and it may take time getting used to. But once you stop listening and watching and dwelling on what is happening around you. Happiness will crawl in a little bit at a time. It's painful watching a broken family. I told you at the beginning of this paragraph that I have a great family! Which I do, But there's some family members in my family who aren't doing to good. That hurts a lot and it bothers me but the only thing I can do is focus on myself. I can't change those family members I can only focus on me. If you have brokenness around you, If your tired of fighting the same fight and dealing with all of the craziness that's going on in your family. Focus on You. You can get away from all of that if you focus on YOU. Getting yourself where you need to be. Shoot me a message if you'd like through my email- Amandakate364@yahoo.com If you have something you'd like help with or just prayer. Send me an email I'd love to meet you, Touch base with you and be there for you:)

Pain in our hearts

There's pain in each and everyone of us. We have all been through pain. Maybe somebody in your family passed away. Maybe there's addiction in your family, Maybe you struggle with depression or anxiety, Maybe you have lost everything you have owned, Maybe you were molested or raped. Whatever it is, We have all been through something. We are the broken age. There is brokenness all around me. I see teenagers around me that are my age that are putting love into the wrong things. Whether it's drugs, alcohol or sex. Then I see adults around me gossiping about each other and struggling with addiction and anger and unhappiness. There's pain everywhere. Everywhere I've looked and everyone I have ever talked to. I see pain. But in my eyes pain isn't a bad thing. Pain is beautiful. Pain is God's plan for you... I know that may sound weird, Your probably thinking what the heck? Pain is hell!! But it's not. You see what I've found out is without Pain we wouldn't become strong. Without Pain we wouldn't be able to live freely. Pain usually brings something greater than itself.  You see Pain usually causes us to hit rock bottom. Am I right? Hitting rock bottom sucks because it's a last resort. But when you hit rock bottom. You normally have to make a choice. Do I want to be happy? Or do I want to keep living this awful life. I made the decision 2 years ago that I wanted to be happy. I've grown so much through my Pain. Really everybody has been through Pain and a lot of people handle Pain differently. A lot of people I've noticed build up a wall. They don't talk to anybody. Not a therapist, Not a friend, Not family members nobody. They hide there pain. Hiding your pain is a problem because it eats you up inside and doesn't let you grow. That's why you have to let your pain go. It's not easy but you can do it if I did it. The thing is your always going to remember the events that happened to you and your always going to continue with the same problems but the point is the pain will be gone and you will be able to move on. Pain shows beauty. I know a lot of people who have experienced pain who have gone on to do great and beautiful things. People who go into the mental health field, People who start churches or become pastors, People who start charities or go into the missionary field. Pain brings us Joy. Without Pain we would never become who we are. So instead of looking at pain as a bad thing. Try to look at it as a good thing. But also your pain is never going to be released until you let go of it. Let down that wall and you will find happiness in good things instead of the bad. I love you.

Dear Leah Norris & Codi Regan:)

Leah Norris and Codi Regan are doing exactly what God has called them to do. (Work for Foundations for peace). I can't imagine what it must feel like to be a missionary. It must feel amazing and I'm 100 % certain you both are where you need to be. I met Leah and Codi my sophomore year of high school at my amazing church Woodside Presbyterian. These girls showed me there love . I see how devoted they are to God. It's amazing how they gave up there summer to work in another Country. I think it's beautiful. I think it also takes so much strength to do so. Seeing there love for God just makes me want to love him even more. There strength keeps me going and reminds me that God will direct my path . There being God's hands and feet. Leah started a blog as well as Codi. There making a difference in the lives of others. I decided to make a blog also. Not about being a missionary but getting through every day life. All three of us are making a change in the world. Were all being God's hand's in feet in some way's. Were all touching lives.  I thank God for both of these girls. I know there doing amazing things and being the hands of Jesus. They give me strength and a desire to help others and live under God. I ask that you all pray for Leah and Codi as they continue there Journey in Haiti. There not only my friends but there my sisters in Christ who have been so good to me. There inspiring me everyday. I miss you guys & I love you!!!

Judgemental People

A lot of people may look at Christians and think that we as Christians are judgmental. Whether it's judging the music somebody's listening to or an appearance of somebody. Many people always point there fingers at Christians. I'm not going to lie to you. I  have met some Christians  who are very judgmental in the past . There out there. There are Christians that will judge you. But let me tell you something I've learned from God. Judging somebody is not the Christian way. I struggle with judgment. Sometimes I will look at a person and if they act a certain way or wear different kind of clothing I automatically think in my head  "weird". If I see somebody drinking or smoking I automatically think there " Disgusting". But is that correct? Are we supposed to do that? Is that our Job?. No it's not. Our Job as Christians is to come at people with love and acceptance. The bible talks a lot of about judging others . Here's one of them -Luke 6:37 - Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
I know in the bible it states that a marriage should be between a man and a women. That may be true. Do I agree with somebody being Gay? I don't, But no matter what I will always accept somebody who's Gay. I will always love them and I will never try to change them. I also will never talk to them about what it says in the bible about marriage being between a man and a women. Because there who they are and telling them that there wrong for being Gay is disturbing. The Christian way is to give them love and show them God's love.  Just like a drug addict people may think the person's a horrible person. But that's not true. A drug addict goes to drugs for a reason. It's not just because there selfish or a bad person it's because there hurting. The Christian way is to give them love and show them God's love no matter what. With tattoo's piercings and gages . A lot of Christians don't really agree with those things. But our job is to maybe not agree but to not judge and show them our love. You'll find that people with tattoo's , piercings and gages are usually the nicest people around.  Judging somebody is wrong. I have to work on it. It's super hard and nobody's perfect. But the thing I can tell you is to TRY not to judge. You don't know what somebody's been through, You don't know who the person is. They could be a great person for all you know. But also stand up against people who think Christians are judgmental. Because not all of them are. Love you, Hope your having a good day and may the rest of your night be filled with blessings!

 

These quote is correct sometimes but not all people who follow God are judgmental. There's always going to be somebody who judges in the world. It's a matter of sticking with those who don't!:)

 

 

 

My Liberty University Journey.

I don't know what God has planned for me. I do no he wants me to do Liberty Online. The thing is I wanted something cheap I wanted something that had my degree and I wanted a Christian based education. Everybody told me why don't you go to bucks? Here's the reason why. Bucks doesn't offer what I need. I knew bucks wasn't the right school for me. I truly believe God was speaking to my heart. Everybody told me to go with Bucks. But really I knew in my heart that it wasn't the right choice. People have there different opinions on online school. Liberty has run in my family for a long time. I have distant family members who completed there masters and undergrad through Liberty online. I also have had two close family members that have actually lived on campus and completed there degrees. My sister also attended there. A Christian education is important to me. Because having God helps me. Who wouldn't want to learn about God everyday through there school work? It's a dream! . I don't know where God is putting me but I do know he want's me to be in the mental health field. I truly believe I'm going down the right path. My number one hope is that I can live under God and be his hands and feet and touch lives. Be there for others and help make the world a better place. If you feel uncertain about a college. Pray about it, God will lead you where you need to be!

Feeling Better

Yesterday and the day before I was a mess. But today I feel so much better! I feel at peace, I feel happy and I feel like God brought me through the storm. Sometimes it happens where I get depressed but I know it's apart of my life and I'm going to live with it for the rest of my life. But today I'm feeling good. I'm feeling happy, blessed and just excited for my future. See the thing about God is that he always puts me in dark situations but then once there over I feel better than I did before. He lets me see dark so I come out of it happy and ready to take on life. God's got me. He's not letting me go anywhere. I am his child and he loves me. I will thank him for bringing me through the storm once again. and for Letting me see the light.

Being 18

Is this how being 18 is supposed to feel? Because if it is, I'm already hating it. I've been 18 since October but graduating high school just made things 10 time harder. First off, I need a Job and I really can't get one because I don't have my license nor even my permit. I've been planning to go get my permit for awhile now but because my parents are so busy I never have anybody to take me. & When I need to talk about important things like college, or getting a job or my license. My parents are too tired to talk about it. My day seriously consists of sitting in my house all day.. What else am I supposed to do? I have to wait when my parents have free time and it is the worst feeling in the world. I don't want to be a big loser. I don't want to sit in my house everyday. I want to be out in the world doing things and it is the most upsetting thing being stuck in my house all day. The only time I ever get out is when somebody takes me out or when I have some place to go like the doctors, babysitting or when I go over somebody's house.  I look at myself and I think WOW WHAT A FAILURE. And I think probably every single person in my family and my friends list probably thinks the same thing about me. My family will tell you there not thinking that. But I'm 100 % certain there thinking that. Have you figured it out yet? I don't know what's been happening but last night and today my depression has kicked in. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm angry today and I'm just pretty much fed up. If I had a choice I'd rather be homeless. Sometimes I think I would be much happier that way. I honestly just want a good paying Job. I want to get my license, I want to pay for a car. I want to do grown up things. I feel like everybody around me is 10 x more grown up than me. But apart of it is because my family won't let me grow up. I look at all of my friends and how they get to go to prom houses and go to concerts and stay out till 2 am and be able to drive with whoever they want. That's apart of being a teenager. But I never ever got to experience that. Because I'm not allowed. SO YUP. This has been my life. Sitting inside of my house with nowhere to go because I don't have my license. I have a lot going on in my head and no way to stop this. This is what happens. I'll be really happy for a month and then one week will be like hell for me. I've been praying and trusting in God. But sometimes the devil gets in the way. Honestly It's annoying . The devil is awful and I wish he would just go away. So there you have it, That's how I'm feeling today. It's apart of having bipolar disorder. It's something I'll live with whether I like it or not. I have hope for myself and I think I will be perfectly fine. It's just been a rough couple of days. Don't get my wrong I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends and I love the Lord. It's just sometimes the black cloud comes back and I can't get out of it. But eventually the storm passes and than I'm happy again:) I know a lot of you can relate to that. Where sometimes life get's you down. Just keep praying. It'll only make you stronger. I take everyday with a bullet proof vest on. Because I never know what my mood is going to be like. It's so hard living with bipolar disorder. It's so hard being an adult and trying to grow up. There's so many things I have to learn still . But I know God will be with me every step of the way. I am NOT alone. I am STRONG and COURAGEOUS . Life just sucks sometimes. So ya know what? I'm going to take today and move on and just try to face another day tomorrow. Prayers will be gladly accepted. This is why I keep my blog. So you know what it's like living with bipolar disorder. Things aren't always peachy. They get super rough. It's important to just stay strong and pray:) Love you.

Tonights just one of those nights.

Tonight is a night that I hate. Tonight is a night that I cry myself to sleep, fight with my parents and dread waking up the next day. Trying to be strong is very hard. I'm so messed up in the head tonight. Every thought that comes into my head is a bad one. This is when I cry non stop. & This is when I ask God to shut off my brain. It's just one of those nights. & I know tomorrow I'll be different I'll be back to normal. But tonight that's  just not going to happen. I'm pretty sure all teenage girls have nights like these. Maybe even some adults. I know for teenage girls it's always just high school stuff and getting ready for college and a lot of anxiety about different things. I just wish I didn't have nights like these. But I'm sure if you went down the road like I did and continue to go through. You would have nights like these too. I consider these nights normal because they've been happening to me since I was a little girl. They continue to happen maybe once every 3 weeks. When it happens it hits me hard and I feel like I'm back in my black hole. But just for a few hours until I fall asleep. & Then I'm back to my happy bubbly self again the next day. Nights like these are very difficult. I never get suicidal thoughts or bad thoughts . I just get a sad feeling. Almost like a whole in my heart. I think about past occurrences that have happened and then I get really depressed and then I think of new things that are happening and things that are making me unhappy now. & Then I get depressed. So usually I just cry. I really should pray during these times. But usually I'm just in such a dark place I just forget to and I just drown in my sorrows. I know people are probably going to read this and think " How can she help people if she's screwed up herself"? The truth is I'm not screwed up. I am normal. Anybody that has been through what I've been through will experience the same exact thing. It's normal for people like me to go through dark nights like these. Were not perfect human beings. We get depressed sometimes. We have bad nights it happens. I can't explain why this happens. I don't really know honestly. All I know is that God is right here with me. I think this is just a part of the healing process.  I think it is the bodies natural way of getting rid of baggage. To let it all go in your bedroom silently. Tomorrow is a new day. I have to keep reminding myself that tonight is just a night that I'll get through and tomorrow  and I'll be happy again:). God is right here and I know he is .  If you've ever felt like this especially at night your not alone. It's super hard but God is with you. We can get through it together I promise<3. Love- Amanda.

How I feel today

Today I'm nervous. I have a lot of anxiety today. I guess I have anxiety about my future and college and what God has planned for me. I've decided to do Liberty University Online and I decided to go for Christian Counseling. I've already gotten negative comments about my decision by family members. It's been difficult. I've never done well in school. I've always gotten bad grades growing up and through all of my ups and downs with my depression. It's almost like how can I ever go on and be an adult? I do have hope though because I'm going down the career path that God has decided for me. People don't understand why I'm doing online college. But I don't care about people's opinions. I'm ready to help families and teenagers who are going through dark times. My therapist in the past told me that about 80 % of people who have been in therapy get a career as a therapist. I'm just inspired and ready to give back to the world. I'm praying that hopefully I can one day work in a church or a mental health facility. I know it's a challenging field and you don't make tons of money. But I'm not doing it for the money I'm doing it because it's challenging and because it's what God has called me to do. I've been blessed with great people. I am ready to take on whatever God holds for me. My #1 goal is to maybe work 2 jobs in the future. Maybe do part time in a church that I will love and also work in a mental health facility. Whatever God has planned I'll follow it. I'm just hoping that everything will turn out okay. I can only do my Job and that's to pray and work hard. God will lead the way and I'm sure it's really not going to be all that easy. But I'm prepared. I think I just need the right support. I'm just happy with what God has given me. I'm happy with the dark path he took me on. I'm just pure happy. But just because I'm happy it doesn't mean I'm not going to have days where I feel angry or sad. Because I'm human. I know I've been praying for all of you. But I just ask that you all Pray for me. Just pray that everything will turn out the way God wants it to. Just pray that I will see the light and for a future Job for me. I don't want to quit I want to keep going. Jeremiah 29:11 states- For I know the plans I have for you, Plans to prosper not to harm you but to give you a future and a hope.

I know God has a plan for me. I just pray everything works out for the best.

My opinion on Justin Bieber

I first began to like Justin Bieber in 9th grade. I saw his movie Never Say Never and I was completely sold on who he was at the time. He had great morals and his family were Christians. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. He would always post about God on his instagram and twitter and he would hangout with some world known pastors and he was a respectful guy. I remember I had a dream to meet him. So I began praying and praying and praying. My whole family hated him at the time. But for no complete reason. They didn't know any of his background or anything. Who were they to judge? When I got to attend a Meet and Greet. I saw a broken Justin. Somebody who was struggling. I couldn't believe  all of the girls around him were not dressed appropriately. They also weren't respecting who he was as a person. He had sunglasses on but I could tell that he was exhausted. My sister and I also smelled what seemed like Marijuana. But we weren't sure. I just felt sorry for him. Because I knew what a good guy he was and all these girls were throwing themselves at him like he was an item and not a real person. And when he came out on stage there were tons of girls screaming and acting crazy and a girl threw her bra on stage. Like it makes me sad is this what our girls are growing up to be? For the past two years Justin has been getting into trouble and he has lost sight of who he was. But honestly who wouldn't? He's in a world of fame where girls treat him like garbage and run after his car and chase him down to the point where it's unsafe?. It's hard on him I'm sure and he always has to be " perfect". He has a lot of pressure. I don't think anybody understands that aspect of it. I have hope for Justin because recently he found God again and he has been hanging out with one of the pastors from A big church called Hillsong in new York and he actually recently got baptized. Am I disappointed in Bieber? The answer is no because growing up in fame is hard enough. It's so hard dealing with the paparazzi. He can't even have a normal relationship with Selena Gomez because these girls swoon over him and get jealous to the point where there sending her death threats? All I know is. I know Justin Bieber is a good person. I don't know him personally but I know he comes from good routes and he does believe in God. People may judge him all they want. But really you have no idea what it's like being in his shoes . You have no idea about his life, where he came from or the mindset he has now. Yes he's made mistakes but haven't we all? Were all not supposed to be perfect and We all drift away from God sometimes. Because were human. He has tattoos yes but some of them are so incredibly beautiful! He has praying hands on his ankle and Jesus's face on his calf. Aren't those normal tattoo's that Christian's get?  I believe Justin is a good hearted man with a lot to offer to this world. He comes from a great Christian family.  I believe he will turn his life around and be one of the greats. He is a very talented artist and he is very smart from what I've seen in his interviews. My advice for you all is .. Instead of "hating" a man you've never met in your life or no anything about. Why don't you pray for him? If you see anybody going down the wrong path or you have somebody in your life that's  making a few mistakes that a lot of people make. Instead of " Judging him/her" Pray for the person . God's not gonna leave Justin go. He's got him. As for being a fan? I don't consider myself a fan. I just respect him completely and I consider myself apart of his prayer army. Because I will continue to pray for this man. Because I know, God will never fail him! & I know that he'll turn out okay .

Woodside Presybterian My Home:)

When I first arrived to Woodside for the first time I was so nervous. It was my first time ever at youth group and I was having an anxiety attack. I didn't know anybody and I felt like my world was crashing down. But after I kept coming to youth group I found love. The thing about Woodside is that there's love everywhere. There's always people with happy faces and happy spirits. You can just feel God as soon as you walk into the door. I feel so accepted by my youth leaders and my friends. This church showed me the love of God and who he is. I can't wait to just continue to grow with this church and just keep giving back. I've been so busy focusing on getting ready for college and  finding a job and just focusing on other things. But I know I really have to buckle down and get back in the loop. All I know is, I've been suicidal free since 9th grade and I'm a Graduate of High school as of this year!  I feel like this church showed me that there is more than just a church. There's love. When you go to a church you should feel loved and accepted for who you are especially  where you come from. I feel that from Woodside. I feel supported everywhere I go. If I'm having a bad day I'll turn to my friends and youth group leaders  for advice and they'll usually give me a bible verse I never even knew existed. Woodside gave me my life back. I just want to thank Woodside and everyone apart of that church for giving me a chance to live again. For Giving me a chance at life and accepting my flaws and understanding them. Woodside has taught me I am Jesus's feet and hands. My Job is to do my part as a follower of him. My Job is to help and serve others as much as I can. I'm starting to do that now that I have a blog and through my facebook. I'm hoping I can do more than just help people through my computer screen. If your looking for a loving church full of great people please come to Woodside:) Thank you God for giving me this church and these people. Because there your hands and feet and each and every one of them are doing what you have called them to do. Love you Woodsider's We are a complete family<3. Love you all!

Addiction

Drug addiction is a very soft spot for me. I know a lot of people who are addicted to drugs. It makes me sad but at the same time I understand there pain. When somebody becomes addicted to drugs there hiding there pain in the drug. Usually every addict has been somewhere dark and scary. Usually they have been through more than any of us could have ever imagine. I thought about being an addictions counselor for a long time but I thought maybe I shouldn't because I've never been addicted to drugs. But I do understand the pain that addicts feel. It's awful, Doing drugs is basically killing yourself. It's suicide. But addicts don't realize that. I have complete hope and love for addicts in the world. I don't hate them or despise them. I believe in them. I believe in an addict. Because I know they can beat there addiction. I know they can. I've seen addicts beat there addiction and I know it's possible. But people give up on addicts so fast. But we have to support them. But the most important thing to remember is to not enable the addict. Don't give the addict money, don't drive the addict to the drug dealer. Just support them. If they need somebody to talk to talk to them. Help them feel loved. Because one of the reason's addicts turn to drugs is because of feeling unloved.

If your an addict please know there's hope out there for you. There is hope for you and you can beat your addiction. You beat your pain, You can overcome anything you want to achieve. You have a bright future ahead of you and you can accomplish anything. There are places out there that can help you. There is hope and a future for you. There is somebody who loves you and The Lord loves you. Trust in him always and you can get over addiction. I'll be praying for all of the addicts out there. There's hope for you all. & You all are loved.

Feeling Beautiful

I am not the one to talk. Feeling beautiful is an everyday struggle for me. I have to look in the mirror everyday that I am God's creation and that he made me for a purpose and that he made me perfect in his image. It's been stressful and exhausting growing up in a world where people see beauty for the outside instead of the heart. But people don't understand God's love for us and he doesn't care if we don't look like a model. He calls us beautiful and he loves us just as we are. God states in his word  in Song of Solomon 4:7  You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. God made you. He wants you to be happy with yourself. It hurts him to see us unhappy with our bodies. He wants to see us happy with who we are. When I used to do therapy my therapist told me to write everything I hate about myself on a piece of paper. So I did, I wrote about my nose, my weight, my eyes , my hair. And then she had me crumble it all up and throw it as hard as I could into the trash can. It was like throwing all of the baggage and pain I had in the trash where it belongs. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! please never ever think otherwise. You are so beautiful in God's eyes. This world will try to make you into something your not. But always come back to God's word and read it and remember that he loves you. Don't let celebrities and models define who you are. Let GOD define your beauty. He is your loving father and he will never abandon you. If you need prayer about your beauty and feeling beautiful. Contact me:) But don't forget to reach out to God and his word for he has all of the answers you are looking for. Stay pretty!!!- Amanda.

Anxiety

I suffer with an Anxiety disorder. It is something people rarely know about me. Only my family and my close friends. What most people don't know is that it's difficult for me to do certain things. I have trouble going to concerts especially if I'm high up because I'm afraid of heights.  I have anxiety in big crowds especially when I go out with friends. It's just something that scares me. I worry about everyday things such as turning the stove on because it's gas. I'm afraid the house is going to blow up. And at night sometimes it gets so bad that my hands start to shake and I feel nauseous so I have to get in the shower and relax. I know a lot of people suffer with anxiety like I do. I suffer from panic attacks as well. But what people need to understand about people with anxiety. Is that it feels like your going to have a heart attack. You get hot and sweaty and your heart feels like it's going to fall out of your chest and you can't breathe. Nobody understands how it feels to have real anxiety. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. But if your suffering with anxiety. Here are some verses that has helped me and healed my heart

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

1 Peter 5:6-8

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

 

Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

 

 

God will take your anxiety away. You may always have anxiety whether you like it or not. But if you have God what could you lose? Pray & Seek him and he will deliver you. If you suffer from anxiety every day. Pray before you do something that causes anxiety. Trust in The Lord. He's got you in his hands and nothing will take you away from him. The only person that can separate you from God is yourself. You are strong and wonderful and don't give up. God's got you:)

Praying

I'm one of those people who believe in the power of prayer. Everytime I pray I get an answer from God. But sometimes it's not an answer I want to hear. Sometimes his answer is to close a door for me. But usually he always opens another one. Whether it be harder than before. He never leaves you hanging when it comes to prayer. Prayer is a beautiful thing and you might get frustrated sometimes but hear me out when I say this. God never leaves you alone. He is always there and he has a bigger plan for you than what you have for yourself.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I have plans for you, plans to prosper not to harm you but to give you a future and a hope.

Stay beautiful and keep fighting:) Remember to pray every night. You never know the kind of answer God will give you.

Money..

When I think about Money I think of fancy cars, I think of a big house and I think of amazing vacations. Then I begin to think that I want money. So I try by entering in the lottery and buying scratch offs. Keep in mind that I never ever win but I still try because I'm desperate to be rich. Isn't that what everybody wants? To be rich?. It seems like it. I have family members talking about money, friends talking about money and I've even talked to strangers talking about money. Everyone has this idea in the world that it's about money . That it's about the biggest paycheck and getting the best Job. But I honestly could careless. Yeah sometimes I do wish I had money. When I think about it, it would be nice. But would I really be all that happy? I'll still have to deal with the same people that get under my skin. I'll still have to deal with school and every day normal things. In the bible it states that money is the route of all evil. Which I completely think it is. That's why you see famous people going down the drain and going down the wrong path. Money does NOT make you happy. But I do know something and somebody that gives you happiness. Not by a paycheck but because of his grace and love. & That's the Lord himself. If you have God. Why do you need tons of money? In my heart I know God will provide and he will not let my family fall. If I have God why do I need 1 million dollars? Money does not give me happiness. The Lord does. He provides us with Joy and Advice and Fatherly love. I don't need tons of money to be happy cause God is my fortune. He is my refuge and He keeps me safe and loves me and knowing I have him in my life. Gives me happiness. If God wants you to win 1 million dollars. Then he'll let it happen. But if he doesn't there's obviously a reason why. He might automatically know you can't handle the money. Maybe he has a bigger plan for you than winning the lottery.  Don't obsess over trying to win money. God will provide for you and he will never leave you nor forsake you. Money does Not bring you happiness God does:) Have a good day!

Sing, Sing, Sing

I began singing when I was in first grade. I would play with my barbies and sing really loud . I thought I was good. In 2nd grade I had my first performance ever. A couple of my friends were my backup dancers and I was the lead singer. It was my school's talent show. When I got up there I was super nervous but I got through it and it was an amazing feeling. I then sang solo for the first time in 3rd grade. I sang a song by Avril Lavigne . It was an amazing experience. I began getting better and better every year. I knew I had a voice in me and I just wanted to perform every chance I got. Sixth grade came and I decided I wanted to begin singing lessons. So I talked it over with my mom and we started up the singing lessons and I got better. Way better. I started singing a lot. Some more school talent shows and then at a restaurant . Singing became my passion. I then was lead by God to sing in my churches band. I didn't know what to expect but when I'm up on that stage I feel an overwhelming love. I feel God within me . My heart beats fast, I start getting hot and I just feel like I can be myself. I feel like I'm home. I feel God when I sing more than any other thing I do for God. I feel his power when I sing to him. I feel his grace. I feel his mercy. I feel his love. I feel his strength and I just feel that he's proud of me for singing. & I know that what I'm doing in the moment is right and it's what he wants me to do. I can't explain to you the feeling I feel when I'm done. I'm just happy. I'm grinning from ear to ear and I feel blessed. Nobody can take that away from me. Singing in my church's band makes me feel free. Not because I'm singing for a crowd. But because it's a time when I have personal time with The Lord. Personal time I never get anywhere else besides when I'm on stage. I know God has given me this gift. I've been using it. Singing to God and being on stage is my drug. It's my happy place. It's better than any feeling I could ever tell you.

If you have a Voice within you. Whether it be a singing voice or just a voice of strength within you. Don't be afraid to use it. God will be beside you. He will help you and He will give you the strength you need to use that voice and the ability to use your voice not for your own but for those around you. USE your Voice. You never know what could happen if you start believing in your Voice. You could really go far:)

One of the things I struggle with

One of the things I'm not proud of has to be my anger. My anger is apart of me and I feel like no matter how hard I try to control it nothing works. I pray about my anger and I try my best to let it all go to God. But sometimes I just can't control it. People don't understand what it's like to be angry. When your angry words fly out of your mouth. Fake words that aren't how you feel about that person. Anger just comes alive in me and it's something I wish I could control. It's the only thing I wish I could fix about myself. But I think I've come to terms with that it's always going to be in me. Even though I'm not angry at my life. I just have "triggers". & the people around me cause the triggers. Then the anger fills me. I think I just have to learn how to block out the triggers. Because what I learned is that there's always going to be triggers around me. I just have to learn to ignore them. I can't change people around me that cause these " triggers" of anger. But I can learn to block out the triggers. I think the best way to block them out is to just walk away from the situation and do what I'm doing now. Write a blog.

There ya go, There's something you didn't Know about me and that's fine. Because when you meet me you think I'm a very nice person. Which I am. I'm a great person full of love and filled with the holy spirit. But I'm not perfect and there are some things I have to change. My anger is one of them. I know God will get me through it. I'm a lot better than I used to be and I'm a lot happier than I used to be. My anger has gotten better as the years have went on. But it's still an everyday struggle for me. And everyday I face it & it's hard but I get through it. If your suffering with anger. Your angry at something whether it be people ( family, friends, neighbors) Or your angry at life ( school, work, tragedy). Just know that there's a God who loves you very much. I struggle with my anger every day and I have to take little baby steps to get better. But trust me when I say that it does get better and that you will overcome your anger. It's been years that I've dealt with my anger but it's gotten easier every year. The bible states that
-John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

God gives us peace and takes our anger away. It does not mean that we wont go through our anger every day. It just means he will guide us through it a little piece at a time. I'll be praying for you:)

Buying Our Parents Pizza Hut...

Parents are great. At least I know mine are. They have put up with me. They have seen me sad and angry , They've dealt with my mood swings and all of the above. They really helped me and I'm so blessed to have them. I felt generous tonight and decided to buy my parents pizza hut for dinner. I had the money and I felt after all they've done for me this month they deserve a good dinner. Of course it wasn't something extravagant but I thought maybe It would be nice to treat them to dinner. After all they raised me right? . My advice to you is to be nice to your parents. Do something nice for them. Take them out to dinner or a movie or if you don't have the money to do so just clean the house or make dinner with the food you already have in your fridge. Trust me it'll be worth it.


Your parents are a blessing. Like it or not God gave them to you for a reason. Whether you have a single mom or a single dad or both of your parents in your life. Do something nice for them. Show them you care:)

Blessings- Amanda:)

5 Life Lessons

1. Never Give Up- It's easy to want to give up in this world but don't because if you do you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Stay Strong - To me staying strong is not hiding your feelings. It's being strong enough to bring out your feelings. If you let out your feelings you'll find peace. Trust me on this.

3. Love your life. Everyone's life is different. Some people don't have a house or enough food. But sometimes they are still happy. Just like kids with autism they are usually so happy. Because they love there life no matter the circumstance. You should Love your Life. God gave it to you for a reason. Embrace it.

4. Friends- Don't be friends with somebody if they treat you badly and if they don't accept your belief.  Even if they don't believe they should accept what you believe.

5. Parents- They are your parents whether you like it or not. They have been given to you by God. You should respect them even if they don't respect you. They may make you angry. Maybe your parent isn't really apart of your life. So what? He/She is still your parent. Don't hold onto that anger of them not being in your life. There's always a reason why. I have a hard time with my mom we fight all the time. But I try my best and that's what you should do. Try your best to respect your parents.

Have a good day today:)

Boys & Bullying

Boys& Bullying

 

Bullying is one of those soft subjects for me. It's something I can't stand and it's something I'm very on the fence about. I began getting bullied in 4th grade. I began gaining weight around that time and I began getting called the word " fat". Fat to me is difficult to hear. Because nobody should be called that word ever in there life. I felt beautiful up until people began calling me names. I would hide my tears back but each day I wanted it to just end. The bullying got worse. I just felt like I never had any real friends my whole life. But the weird thing was, It was mostly guys calling me names. & It lasted probably until about 10th grade. Why are guys calling girls fat? Why are guys not respectful? No guy should ever call a girl fat. & No guy should ever make a girl feel like she's not worth it. All I've met and seen are guys who judge girls by there looks. There not thin enough, they don't have straight teeth. But the weird thing is. Even if her attitude is awful a guy will still date her because she's what guys call " beautiful". I don't know why there are guys out there that make fun of girls. I can't tell you that one because I'm not a guy and I don't understand where there coming from. But I do want to tell you any guy that judges a girl off of her looks are not worth your time. YOU are God's creation. YOU are beautiful. Any guy that doesn't see the beauty in you does not deserve what a GREAT person you are. I can promise you there are guys out there that do not care what you look like. & There are guys out there that will accept you for you. I know this because I have guys in my family who are good role models and I see the way they treat there wives and fiancé. There are guys out there. Trust me. I've had a hard time growing up dealing with my weight because it's been up and down my whole life. But Praying and believing in the lord has gotten me through. You got this girl. A guy should hold the door out for you, A guy should call you beautiful and respect your body and your boundaries, A guy should respect your parents wishes. If a guy does all of those things you found a seal deal. Don't let any guy treat you bad. Don't let any guy's words get to your head. Your great girl and you ROCK this . If your reading this I'll be praying for you. I'll pray that you will find the guy of your dreams and that the bullying will stop. Because eventually it will. Your are LOVED. Have a good night and get some sleep. For another day you will face tomorrow will be even harder today. But you got support! Love you<3.