What's been going on in my head lately.

I'm going to be completely honest. I've been drifting from God lately. I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to be doing as a Christian. I haven't been reading my bible or going to church or even acting like a Christian. I have like a wave of guilt over me because I know I've been hurting God. & To be honest I don't mean to. I try not to but it's just like this world and the way people live in this world just takes over me and then I just leave my Christian life behind. I mean obviously I don't drink or do anything like that. It's just more like neglecting God and making mistakes. I know were all sinners and were all not supposed to be perfect. But I've completely left God. That's why I haven't written in a couple of days because I've been doing wrong and I don't want to show people the love of God if I'm not living it. It's only been a week that I've been living the non-Christian life. When I say non-Christian I've just been cursing and not reading my bible and just not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Like I feel like my wild side is coming out. I'm beginning to like not reading the bible and I'm beginning to become interested in parties and alcohol . But I think it's because I've been in a shell for so long. I don't go out with friends. I don't go to parties . I don't do anything which is bad because now whenever I go out I get this wave of anxiety on me. I created my anxiety and it's my fault. But sometimes I blame my parents or my family members. Because all of my life I've been told drinking's bad that smoking's bad and that being at a party is bad. But let's be realistic. It's what every teenager is doing ! Every teenager is going out with friends and staying out until 1 am and going to parties, drinking , smoking and having boyfriends/girlfriends. It's what this culture is doing. And yeah adults will try and tell  you not every teenager is doing it. But trust me, I know about all of Pennsbury and it's what there doing .  Of course I don't have to engage in those activities. But sometimes I honestly want to. This Christian life becomes exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be a normal teenager. When I tell people my age that I don't drink or smoke they look at me like I'm crazy. So I feel like I'm missing out on "fun". I feel like I never learn to let loose, That I never can be myself and I'm always uptight. I feel like I don't even know how to have fun anymore. But it's because all I'm surrounded by are people that like to sit in there house and just talk all the time. When really I would rather be out in the world doing so many fun things! I know I have to learn to have a balance between having fun and being a Christian. I can't just go out drinking all the time and I can't just go out to parties when I please. The Bible says No to drinking. So I've always stayed away from it and I will continue to do so. But I still have an interest in going to parties and having fun. And I will. I'm not going to listen to people who tell me it's wrong. Because I'm not going to be the unfun person anymore. I want to be fun. I want to be out in the world with friends doing normal teenage things. & People will tell me to befriend people at church. But honestly it's everywhere it's even in church & I know because I'm friends with people from both of my churches and they all do the same thing.  It's hard to find a balance. I'm not going to drink or smoke ever in my life I hate it and I know it's wrong. But just because I don't do those things doesn't mean that I won't go to parties or go to the beach or just do fun things. It's time I stop being filled with anxiety and just go and be myself. God will tell me when enough is enough. & He will tell me when I'm doing wrong. I think all I have to do right now is pray about this and my choices and who I hangout with and just read my bible and get back into church. I need to start that life again and just build on that. But I'm not going to be sitting in my house anymore doing nothing. I'm going to go out with friends and be a normal teenager.