My Experience Visiting Hillsong ( An extraordinary church in NYC

For the past few months ever since I found out about Hillsong I have wanted to visit there for awhile. I watched some of there sermons found out a bunch of celebrities attend when they can and that the music I have been listening to all these years have been from there branch in Australia ! I honestly never thought I would get the chance to attend until my aunt decided to take me as my birthday gift. I heard that there was a long line and I was very scared we were not going to get there on time but in all seriousness everything worked out in God's plan. I know he wanted me there and the whole day went perfectly we smooth. We drove to New York got right in the doors because we were early and I got the chance to just soak it all in. When you walk in you have to go down an escalator. When you get off the escalator the whole inside is pretty cool . To the right they have a welcome and info bar. To your left they have a gift station where you can buy Hillsong's books, t-shirts and cd's. They also have a lounge where people can sit and hangout, get some free coffee and talk. They have tv's everywhere also so you can sit in a seat outside of the main service and watch it on a tv. The whole atmosphere was so great. The volunteers and people who worked for them gave me such a strong welcome. They had smiles on there faces and were so excited to speak and talk about there church and it really makes you feel welcome. When they let us into the service the music was really loud people were holding there hands up and singing and it was beautiful. The youth pastor was speaking that day and he came on and said exactly everything I needed to hear. He was funny and he made me laugh. He was loud so he kept my ears in check and he preached exactly from the Bible. One thing he said that will stick with me forever is that he was explaining about Season's. We have so many seasons and we always have to shift and change within our clothes or put our heat or air conditioning on. We have to change our activities and it may seem hard to change. He stated that Jesus never changes he always stays the same. Which was pretty cool to hear because I go through lots of changes over the course of a year or through a holiday or season and sometimes it's a good change. However, I do experience bad changes and I always somehow loose sight of my savior at least once a year or more and that breaks my heart. The Pastor was just opening my eyes just saying that Jesus loves us and that he died on the cross for us so we could live. He gave us three things to apply to our daily lives and I feel ashamed because I forget what they were but I just felt a strong connection there. I felt like I belonged and it was so nice to feel accepted and appreciated and to not have any distractions during the service. It wasn't boring it was fun and exciting and a new adventure. I LOVED Hillsong. One of my favorite parts were the skittles. They gave out little cups of skittles to each person and I thought that was a sweet touch. Overall my experience was amazing. I was just amazed at the people who received Christ as there savior. I was amazed by what there approach was and I love how FRESH they are. Every church I have ever been too has always stayed the same. There music wasn't great, there service was boring.. it was always something. But Hillsong didn't give me any reason to not like it. It was beautiful and they are truly doing great things within New York City but as well as all over the place. I love Hillsong, I plan on going back and I am very appreciative that I had the chance to experience it and have "ME" time. I rarely get to gather my thoughts and work on myself and yesterday was a day I got the chance to do that. God bless you all. God is Good and the fact that he got me there yesterday with no issues was beautiful! Very thankful for my aunt and uncle. As well as my little cousin who I got to experience Hillsong with. I am SOO grateful God gave me the opportunity and I pray he gives me the opportunity to go again.!

Reasons why I love being an aunt.

Before I met Charley and I found out my sister was expecting I was super excited. I tried not to show it but once my sister told my parents and I the insides of my heart instantly felt peace and happiness because I knew that this baby was going to change my family. My family and I have been through many hardships and I knew that adding a baby would just make everything better. Charley was a surprise, my sister was not planning to have a baby but it happened in God’s time and boy did he give us this gift at the right time. I watched my sister go through many difficulties of her pregnancy. Throwing up, back pains, not being able to sleep and the anxiety of waiting for her arrival. It was beautiful though and I loved every minute of waiting for a new baby to come into our lives. My sister lived with us through most of her pregnancy and it was cool to see her change and grow as a person. I saw a glow in her I have not seen in many years. The day Charley arrived my sister was induced. We waited at the hospital from seven am all the way until nine or ten at night. Waiting was the hardest part I was very scared because you never know what is going to happen. However, she was born via C-section and was so very healthy and it brought the biggest smile to my face. I held her very shortly after she was born and I could not help but look into her eyes and see her beauty. My heart jumped for joy, I was no longer just “Amanda”. I became Auntie Amanda and it was an amazing feeling. Over the course of the past eighteen months, I have had the opportunity of watching Charley grow. It has been one of the biggest gifts I could have ever been given. Charley has not only changed me but she has changed my entire family as a whole. She loves Doc Mcstuffins, Frozen, Taylor Swifts song Shake it Off. She loves animals and anything Disney princess. She also loves to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and Jesus Loves me. She jumps everywhere. She loves to laugh, dance, and have a good time. It is an amazing feeling walking in the door and seeing her face light up. Her favorite person right now is my dad. Their relationship has been a miracle in its own. My dad has had his struggles but having Charley in his life has completely changed his thought pattern and each day he goes on because of her. Charley has been a great addition to our family. I am cherishing her being eighteen months always. Before I know it, she will be in elementary school. I am super thankful to God. We were going through such a battle as a family and he decided to give us this beautiful little girl. Our souls are new, our happiness has been created. We have a reason to get our lives together and focus on love. I could not be more thankful to have this little girl. I adore her, appreciate her, accept her and LOVE being an aunt. I never knew how amazing it would actually make me feel. I am going to be that aunt that takes her niece out to get her nails and hair done. I am going to buy her everything I can . I am going to bring over ice cream and whip cream and chick flicks when a guy breaks her heart. But also be a support system if she ever needed anything later on in life. I'm going to do everything I can to get my life together . Each day that life goes on I feel more and more loved because I am surrounded by family.  I will continue to enjoy being Aunt Amanda for the rest of my life. I'm proud of my family for pulling together for this little angel.

Thanks God for her beautiful smile, radiant personality and her spirit that has shined a light in our lives we have never seen before.

Love you Charley, 

Love Auntie.

My life over the past few months...

So for the past few months I've battled with exhaustion. I've battled with my depression and bad eating habits as well as dealing with my self esteem. I lost friends , I lost sight of who I was for a little while. I also decided to take a break from college. Currently right now I'm trying to gather my thoughts and get my life together. It has not been easy for me these past months. I've dealt with lots of different emotions and feelings. I haven't really gone out with friends because I feel like I'm so different from everybody else that I just never feel comfortable. I have also dealt with my severe anxiety. At night I have panic attacks and feel like I can't breathe. My doctor told me to start taking benadryl . So that's what I do, I take it at night sometimes and it really does help. I don't know I guess I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting to please this world, I just want to feel happy. At times I do feel happy, I feel like a new person and then there are times where I don't want to get up. I feel very misunderstood within my family and people that I have met over the years. I feel like nobody can relate to me because they have not been inside of my brain. I don't even think I understand me or who I am. All I really do is just pray and hope for the best. I know God is working in my life and he is taking care of me. I truly believe that and I trust in him and his plan. I have my doubts too but that's normal for a young lady. As I wait to hear back from a job I completed an interview for and learn to cope and work on myself I am praying for all of you. I must say though that I think it's time to be a little selfish. My whole life I've worried about my family, I have been there for my family and I have done nothing but put strangers and my friends first. However, I have never had the chance to think about my life and work on myself because of all of that. So I think it's time that I take a step back and work on me for a change. That's exactly what I am going to do. I appreciate everyone's prayers and support. Dealing with a mental illness is SO hard. I will continue to fight and never give up . I will trust in my savior and never loose hope.

Why I am saving myself for marriage.

                                                           1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Love is Patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not- self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues , they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.


This topic came to my mind today, only because I am thinking. I am thinking about many different things and what I want my future to hold and what kinds of characteristics  I want for myself. Many of my friends are not virgin's. Some of my family members are not virgins. Mostly everyone I know did not save themselves for marriage. In my eyes there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes romance gets in the way and takes over our mind, heart and body and then it just happens. Me on the other hand, I made a promise to the Lord that I will wait for my future husband. Here is why, Sex is not something to take likely, it is not something that we should just do with everyone we can. God made it special, God made it so two people who love each other can come together and become one but also to have a child. God designed sex for two people that are in "LOVE". Many people today loose there virginity mostly in high school but for some middle school. Was it love? I truly don't believe you can love somebody in middle school or high school. Sometimes people marry there high school sweethearts which is amazing, however, some people just have a bunch of different boyfriends or girlfriends through there school career. How is that love? God says it in the book of 1 Corinthians that love is special. It is something you cannot duplicate or sugar coat. It is a serious matter and it is something that is important. It is something you feel for only one person. There is only one person on this earth that you will fall in love with and that is your husband or wife. See the problem is when people are young and they have a boyfriend or girlfriend they think it is love, so they will loose it and then want to do it more and more. But that is not love, that is your first love. There is a different between your first love and the love you will have for the rest of your life. Usually when I tell a guy I want to wait until marriage, they get annoyed with me. I usually feel disrespected because in my opinion if a guy can't wait like me then he is not where he needs to be with God and he does not respect girls. I am choosing to save myself for a guy I love, a guy that understands me. Accepts me, shows me truth. A guy that will not just do it once with me and then leave. Purity to me is very important and I don't want to be the girl that winds up pregnant at 19. I don't want to be the girl that's traveling around to different guys for pleasure. I want to be the girl that knows what she is looking for and that knows what Love is. I have never been in love. I have been in relationships that felt like love but none of them will ever compare to the love I have for my soulmate. I believe in soulmates, I believe that mine is out there somewhere. So I will wait because I have a loving father that respects me and that made me special. I do not want to reveal anything to somebody I don't love . I will never let a guy change my mind, I have already had many different men try and change my mind. However, they were not worthy of my time. God says love is great, worthy and pure. I will save my heart and my body for someone special and that is all.

Ephesians 4:2 - Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing one another in love.

How walking from my faith just made everything completely dark.

For the four - six months I have walked away from God. I stopped praying, I stopped going to church and volunteering. I stopped stay connected, I stopped reading my bible because I had many doubts. I was angry and confused. My whole life I was taught about this "loving" God but things keep happening around me and no matter what I do or how strong I am with God, none of them go away. I became an unbeliever for awhile. I am completely not ashamed to admit it. I'm not afraid to say I didn't believe in God and I gave up in believing in him. When I stopped believing and actually said out loud to my parents, I hate God and I don't believe in him. I felt a stab in my heart, almost like a soul completely left my body. Like I wasn't holy anymore or that I wasn't filled with love. Hate came in and drew me down. I started hating my family, hating my friends. I started having mental breakdowns again. I started crying myself to sleep and feeling lonely , lost and empty. I didn't know what to do. I was scared, Almost like is this really happening again? Am I getting suicidal again?  Is there something wrong with me? So many question's came into my head. Then I was suffering with people telling me there is no God and I started believing everything they were saying and I started believing in science and I began turning into a complete Athiest.  Two days ago I was with my friends and had an anxiety attack. I haven't had one of them in about a month or 2 or in public in awhile. It was really hard and my friends had a difficult time understanding what was wrong with me. I haven't cried in public in forever, but I started remembering that these symptoms and feelings didn't develop until I left God himself. So when I came home I wrote God a prayer because I like to write . I started listening to Christian music again because I've neglected it for so long. I started listening to Testimony's on Youtube and all of these things just impacted my life to the point of me being in tears. Because God has started to creep in my life. My heart is beginning to feel the spark it had before. I started listening to people like Dr. Jason Lisle who is firm on the belief that Science is in the Bible and he can prove it. I started listening to Ken Ham who knows all about creation. I guess what I've learned is, it's not going to be easy for me to automatically step in and recharge my faith. I really have to work at it and I've learned that God is like a parent. Sometimes he does things in your life that don't make sense. Sometimes he tells you know, Sometimes you feel his love , Sometimes you don't. He teaches you life lessons but one thing he really does is he truly cares. I know this because I've seen his spirit change people in person. I've seen people walk down an isle in front of so many people to get saved. I've felt God so strong to the point of where I've sat in church and started to sob because I'm selfish. I'm selfish that I neglected him all because I didn't agree with what he was doing in my life. But I realized that he has a bigger plan for me then what I have for myself. I have Faith that he will guide me and make sure I'm okay. I have Faith he will help me get a Job and finish college and get married someday. I have Faith, Faith is believing in something you cannot see. Just like when a family member dies and you see them in your dreams or feel them around you. You can't see them but you feel them and that's how God is. You can't see him but he talks to people in different ways and he speaks through music and Bible teachings and he gives you a hope bigger than you would ever imagine. I'm not 100 % where I should be yet with God. I have tons to work on, I have to figure things out and work on being a great follower but I do know that he's got me. All I have to do is trust and let go from the chains and the baggage that I've carried for the past six months. I've made the decision to get back in a relationship with him and I've made the decision that I will attend church on Sunday because I need nothing more than to have him back into my life. I need nothing more than to feel free and happy and alive. And honestly, you don't get bigger feeling . No drug, alcohol . Not any person can make you feel the way God does. He gives you a natural high and it is the most amazing feeling you could ever experience. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. If you have any prayer request's email me! Thanks.

Here's my opinion on Bruce Jenner's Transition .

Christians are so nasty and hateful towards Gay and Transgenders and Lesbians.. It honestly makes me sick. I understand what they mean when they say God created them with the sex they were supposed to have and that the Bible talks about it but it still doesn't give us the right to go around and make fun of him or say "He's going to Hell" or be rude. It's called have self respect for somebody. He is a human being, he is normal. He wants to be loved as much as everybody else does. So what he decided to change ? He wasn't HAPPY the way he was before. Don't people understand that life is about being happy, Why go through life being unhappy in your skin. If you don't like something change it and that's exactly what he did and what people are doing all over. Everybody is different, nobody has the same mind as everybody else. We are all unique and we all need to learn to accept each other. Bruce Jenner, is not hurting the world by being who he is. He simply represents what it means to be different. I don't understand why people decide to be Gay or change there sex.. I read in my textbook from the Christian college I attend that they are finding out Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered people are born with something different. It's either a chemical inbalance or in Genetics.  I am a PROUD christian and heck yes, I support all people who are different. So many people are killing themselves because "Christians" are being hateful and disgusting to this world. God wants us to be accepting and loving. That is our job! It is his job to do the judging. If he doesn't think something is right then he will take care of it. It is none of our business and to try and take away someone's freedom or happiness is terrible. I may not be Gay, A Lesbian or Transgendered, but my heart seriously goes out to people like Bruce Jenner and many others, because you truly and honestly don't know what is going on in there minds. It's the Christians that I'm confused about, it is there lack of love and patience that I'm confused about. It is the way they come across people that are " different". I got nothing but love for Bruce Jenner...Honestly do I think he was born a man? YES! But he wasn't happy being one and he could have a Genetic imbalance like I said which makes his thinking different. It's just so frustrating for me because I think everyone deserves to feel loved and people that need God's help go to Christians for help and we are not helping them. We truly rip them down and throw Bible verses at them but we don't show them the Love God brings and that's what I wish would happen. Instead of being rude towards people like Bruce Jenner, We need to Pray for him. Let God handle it, Be accepting and show him God's unfailing Love. I am seeing article after article with different opinons and some that are so ignorant I cannot even finish reading it. If you are a Christian I encourage you to take a look at how your acting towards these people. They are different and hard to understand. But we don't have too, Our job is to just love and if you can't love people for being different then your in the wrong not Gays. I used to be one of those Christians that would look at a Gay person and say gross or ew . Until I actually met one and had a long conversation with them and they told me how they felt about this world. It made me sad to hear what that person had to say. I changed, I became accepting and loving and realized God wants me to love others as he does. God may not agree with our  choices but he accepts and loves us. So as a Christian myself , I am going to love and support anyone who's "different". I will do what God asks of me and that is not to judge or be rude and to only love people as they are. We are all God's children. I support you Caitlyn Jenner.

I'm slowly coming around..

I feel myself slowly coming around and becoming new again. I started to listen to christian music again.. I forgot how happy Christian music makes me feel. It makes me feel whole, it makes me feel loved , free and happy. I found this song It Is Well By Bethel and I fell in love so much. I loved it so much that I began to cry while listening to it. I got chills and it touched me to the point of where it softened my heart. My heart has not been softened in months. I've been so uptight and angry because of stupid life. Music changes that in my especially Christian music. I think it changes my heart because it has beautiful words. It is not full of drugs, sex or bad language. It's all about love and the heart and soul. In my opinion if you fill your mind with good things then you will see a change in yourself. I started to realize today that I've been filling my mind with junk. I may not be where I should be with God right now. I am working on my relationship with him. I am going to try to spend everyday with him and pray out loud and dig deep to see what I find. I honestly, feel like I just lost touch with him almost. I feel like I'm the prodigal son in the relationship. However, I am willing to change if he just lets me feel him. I haven't felt God in such a long time. I know some of it is my own doing but sometimes I wish he would just show up once in awhile. I'm dropping everything and I am letting him into my soul to see what he does. He changed my heart before, I believe he can change it again if I just put the baggage down. I am blessed to be sitting here writing this because in sixth grade I almost ended my life. I do know that If I wasn't here I'd be sad because I would've missed the birth of all of these wonderful babies in my life. I know I am loved...I just hurt sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like my heart's been ripped out. I have figured out that I will always go through ups and downs, its just a matter of figuring out the balance. I pray God will give me peaceful balance. I don't intend to be perfect, I just want peace. I want to be a better person. I wanna stop yelling at my mom and dad and I wanna be there for family members who need me. I wanna stop judging people based on there choices and I wanna work on my anger. It's a really long process but slowly I'm coming back. I know it's not going to be an immediate fix but I truly believe I will be changed. I just want to thank my family and friends and church family for dealing with my psycho self. I've been through so much but you all have been there every single step of the way. Couldn't be more blessed. I may not know my purpose right now and I may be hurting or confused. However, I know there is a reason behind this and I will find myself again. It's just a matter of time until I am singing on stage again at church, I just gotta get my heart together first<3.

To Be Honest....

This post is about me being honest on how I feel about my life and certain things. Call me rude or any other name in the book. In my opinion honesty is the best policy. Right now I am at a crossroad in my life, I am not sure where I am headed. I am very confused, hurt,angry, sad. I don't know how to deal with what is going on in my life right now. I really put my trust in God, I really thought he was leading me to be a counselor, now I'm thinking this wasn't the case. In a way I am hurt, because being a counselor was my dream for six years and I feel like it is being taken from me. I look around me and see family members doing so well, I see my friends doing well and then there's me . With not a steady job and not sure which career path to go on. I kind of think in the back of my head, why do people have it so easy? I have met some people who don't even have to study and they still get A's. However, there's me who spends hours and hours trying to figure out just one simple question. I often ask myself, when can I get a break? My whole life I've been trying extra hard at everything. But, nothing great has happened for me. In my life there has been more sorrows then joy. It gets exhausting after awhile. I've been through life's ups and downs for all of my life. I've never had it easy, people say I have but in all honesty it's not the truth. I've battled with bipolar, anxiety, stress, fear, anger , depression my entire life. There has never been a time where I haven't had sad thoughts or feeling of hopelessness. Everyday is a battle for me, and sometimes I just wish people would understand where I am coming from. I question God and why he has done this to me. I think is this his punishment? Did I do something wrong and now he's gonna make my life hard? I don't know, I don't know what he wants for me. Right now I am very confused. I guess I'm even more confused because I look around me at my examples and think these are the Christian examples I have? Christians who are judgmental, unhappy, and ignorant people? There has only been a select few that I have met that have opened there arms to me. Everybody else just makes me not even want to believe in God at all. I also wonder why God gives money to people. A lot of people my age, get things handed to them. There mom or dad buys them a car, pays for there college, and an apartment and extremely nice vacations. I have never gotten that luxury. I don't know what it's like to have expensive things or go to the Bahama's for vacation. Those people do not know how lucky they truly are, but yet they still complain. Why? I have no idea, This world is confusing to me, some of the nicest people I know aren't Christians at all and in my opinion it honestly, should be the other way around. I've just spent my entire life trying to meet up to everybody's expectations. I have always wanted to make my family proud and I feel like, I have only let them down. I have never done well in school . I have never achieved awards or done great in sports. I was getting mental health care my entire life basically, that I never even got to be a normal teenager. I just have questions, that people have yet to answer. I have questions about different religions and why my relationship with God is failing. I know maybe it's because of my own doing, but I'm starting to see that religion separates people from being who they are. I would love to be a Christian that could love others as Jesus does. I would love to be a Christian that would stop listening to secular music or stop watching certain tv shows and start living for God. However , I'm beginning to see the ignorance that is involved. It makes me sad, I should not feel this way. I should feel love and compassion and a changed heart. I did for awhile, but that changed as my life began to unfold and I began to question. All of my friends tell me I am judgmental. I am starting to believe that I am this way because of Christianity. I don't have many friends, I've never had the opportunity to go to a high school party or be a normal teenager because Christianity made me an uptight person with anxiety and fear. I worry about what my parents would think when I make choices. I worry about is God judging me? I have so many fears that were not there at the beginning of my life. I just want to know why I feel this way. I want to be able to enjoy my life and I feel like I am not able to. I wanna be free, I wanna feel able to dress how I want. I want to feel able to listen to any kind of music. I want to feel able to go to concerts and raves, and be independent with my friends and not have to worry about what people would say. What's the point of this life? If were just passing through? That's what is confusing to me. God put us here, for what? To live here for awhile and then go to heaven? Then there's no purpose. I guess you can say I'm a frustrated Christian...Actually, I don't even know what I want to call myself anymore. I am just being honest and sharing the truth of what is going on inside of my heart. I hope one day all of these questions and worries will go away and I will finally have peace. I feel like I deserve peace after all I have been through. Sometimes though, I feel like I will never be able to be "free". That's all I want. I feel like I've been stuck in a bubble my entire life and I've never gotten to be me. I hope one day I can find a balance between loving God, and being "free".  

The Times I felt Like Giving Up But God heard me.

There were many times where I thought about giving up. I can't tell you the amount of times I cried myself asleep. Sometimes life just gets to be way to much. Sometimes we think about giving up or that things become to hard for us to handle. But ya know what I've learned ? That God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. I think things happen to us out of our control. However, I also believe that they happen for a reason. I believe I got diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders because God wanted to use me to help others. I believe I would not have understood pain in others if I didn't go through it myself. Receiving the news that I was bipolar was depressing, but God used me! He continues to use me in many special ways! I am thankful for that! Things happen to us, but we have to know God has a special plan for us and that he is going to pull us out of the darkness. I am currently happy. Am I happy with where I live ? or my circumstances ? NO. If I had the money I'd move and live on my own in Florida. But I know God will get me to that point eventually. He takes care of us and strengthens us in hard times. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for God. He has given me reassurance that everything is going to be okay. I'm not where I need to be in life right now, but I have a redeemer in my heart.

If you feel like giving up at all..DON'T . Keep fighting and pushing and believing in yourself. I promise you will get extremely far. Stay away from the negatives and surround yourself with positive influences. Never forget where you come from and I encourage you to read your bible and pray everyday. Once you start doing that, it changes you completely. You are all in my prayers and if you have anything you would like me to pray about just send me an email or facebook message and tell me your prayer requests!!! I love you guys, stay positive, stay focused and keep your eyes set on what's important in life!! God bless<3.

My Grandmother & What She Means To Me.

19 years ago I came into the world and met this beautiful lady. She changed my diapers and came to every birthday and holiday and always tried her best to give me the best present possible even if she didn't have the money. Over the years I have grown up to admire my Grandmom. She has been through so much. Raising six kids basically by herself and then going through a divorce. That's a lot to handle at one time. She has taught me a lot about life. She always encourages me and tells me I'm beautiful. She always tells me that " looks are only skin deep". I always tell her what's going through my head and she listens, she cares and she understands. I tell her everything, I talk to her about boys, school and my insecurities. I am not afraid to tell her anything because I know she will keep it a secret and never tell my mom unless it was an emergency. I always have a great time with her. We laugh, we joke around and do girl things. We watch crazy chick flicks and eat tons of food. I always treat her out to dinner or buy her something while were out. She's my best friend and I couldn't be more thankful that I have such a great relationship with her. We have never gotten into a fight EVER. We always get along. I think it's because she trusts me and she never puts me down. She always encourages me and accepts my flaws. She really believes in me and who I am. She is the only person in my life who has never made me angry. She's the only person that has never put me down. It is nice to know I have somebody in my life who just loves me for me and no matter what there, there. I trust her and she trusts me. We always vent to each other. I am not afraid to tell her something. I tell her everything and I am so happy I can trust someone. We have a relationship unlike any other and I am more than thankful to have a best friend by my side. She is like my second mom and if I didn't meet her I would be completely lost. I can't wait to tell my future children about her. I can't wait to hopefully have her move in with me someday. I want to give her the life she always deserved and I hope I can do that for her someday. I thank God for this woman. She is my hero, my best friend and somebody I will always appreciate and look up to.

How Liberty University Changed My Life Forever

A long time ago about three months before my high school senior year ended I was going crazy thinking about what college to go to. I thought about bucks and everybody was trying to persuade me to go there. I thought about Cairn and Holy Family but Liberty was always in the back of my mind. I have extended family that did there online program. I have also had both of my cousins attend the college itself. I visited the college when I was in sixth grade because I went to visit my sister and it was seriously so beautiful. I loved the campus, I loved the church, I loved how they pick roommates for you. Everything about Liberty made me happy. That was until I saw the price. Liberty is 20,000 dollars a year. That is not including my books, my car and gas, and food. To me that was just an overload of things that I couldn't process. Cairn was way too expensive as well and Holy family was even more than that. I felt like God was shutting multiple doors for me and I honestly felt like my only hope was Bucks. Bucks is a great school but they did not offer the degree I wanted and I knew that it wasn't the right choice for me. I fell upon Liberty's online program as I was looking for options to see about financial aid. That was it, they completely had me sold. For four classes it costed me 8,000 dollars. Not including my books but I payed for my books with my own money. I didn't have to spend money on gas driving too and from class. They also have an online student even every year in the beginning. I could also take trips around the world and I can also attend graduation and walk to receive my diploma along with the other students who attend there. I also was getting the degree I wanted and the higher quality education I needed with my spiritual journey and academics. When I first started Liberty I began to see how high school taught me nothing. I didn't know anything about APA or Citations or even about grammar that well. Liberty taught me all of those things and yes I have a long way to go but I love it. I have also stumbled upon the best professors I have ever met. My professor's have been so nice and understanding of my issues. They listen to my concern and give me very good criticism. I have filled a bond with my professors and to see them change every 8 weeks makes me sad but also happy because it's like a new beginning. I have to admit the work is demanding. Some of my professor's have been tougher than others. But I love them regardless. I also am apart of a study group on facebook and my journey is similar to other people's journeys. People pray for me, the support is unbelievable. I feel like people are actually giving me a chance. I feel grace, hope and love. My academic advisor is so helpful in helping me understand things. I have also learned about the bible, God and what it means to help somebody and how to help somebody. God has really given me Liberty as a gift. I'm praying that I can save enough money so I can live down there and attend the actual college instead of online. I have already met amazing people from my school, I am sure I'll meet more. My college is a blessing to me and because of it I am able to get my degree that I have always dreamed of. I know it hasn't been easy and I have cried when I was scared of a failing grade. However, I know through Christ I can accomplish many things. I am who I am because of him and I am thankful everyday. If you are looking for an affordable college, I highly recommend Liberty <3.

Future Bachelor Of Science in Psychology Christian Counseling Graduate<3.

How I Will Raise My Kids

Even though I don't want kids until I'm 28-30... I still am excited that one day I will be a mom and that I will get to make my own choices as a mother and decide what is best for my child. My mother and father raised me to be a strong, confident person and I will take some of the parenting skills I learned from them and apply them to my child. Growing up I suffered a lot and I pray that my future children never have to go through what I did. I am praying and hoping I can give them a safe and comforting environment and a loving family. Because, there were times growing up where I didn't get those things. I made the decision that I am going to love my child no matter what they choose. If they happen to be Gay, I will love them. If they end up on Drugs ( I hope not) but if they do I will love them. If they hate me, I will love them. If they happen to move out young, I will love them. If they get bad grades , I will love them. If my future daughter happens to become pregnant at 16, I will love her. Regardless of what my children choose. I will love them and accept them no matter what. I pray for my future children everyday. I pray that they find God in there lifetime and really learn the foundation of life. I pray that they choose there friends wisely and that they make the right choices. I don't know what the future holds... Will I have a whole bunch of kids or will I have 2 or 1? Will I have boys or girls or a mix of both? I do not know. All I know is I will be happy with what God will give me and I will love my children no matter what.

My View On The Bachelor...

The bachelor is one of my favorite shows!! ...Chris is one of my favorite people and I am confident that he is a great  man. It is the woman that I question more then anything. My favorite on the show is Becca Tilley... I like her because she seems to have a great heart, she's beautiful and conservative. Not many girls keep there virginity today, and that is beautiful to see in a woman. It shows that she hasn't been sleeping around and that she has stuck her ground. She is my number one pick, and I'm praying to God he picks her. I have also had a problem with the show though, This is ABC's casting I have an issue with. Chris is a farmer, and most of the girls that I have seen on the show aren't into farming. Most of them are into what there outfit or makeup looks like...then anything else and honestly I think Chris needs a farm girl. He needs a girl that is not afraid to get her hands dirty and that wouldn't mind living in Arlington. Personally, I could live there because my family has a farm and I've seen farming first hand and what it takes to be a farmer. Could I see myself out there all the time? No, but I could see myself marrying a farmer for sure. These girls in my mind, have no idea what is going to take place. A farmer works all day long and is exhausted at the end of the day. I don't think some of the girls are going to be able to grasp that. I am a little upset with ABC's casting because there was not one farm girl or country girl I should say on the show. There was Tara, Which I thought she was perfect for him but she blew it by getting drunk. I just wish ABC would have looked more into getting a country girl for Chris. However,  I do think the final three are my favorite! I love Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney. I wish them nothing but the best. I pray Chris makes the right choice and he is happy. To me that is all that matters, he came on the show for a reason and that's to find love. I pray he found it and that he got the girl of his dreams. Kudos to you Chris! For being a good guy and getting through this long process! You are in my prayers!

Dear High school girls...

High school can be really difficult at times. You have to keep your grades up, make your parents happy but also deal with fitting in and finding a guy to accept you for you. It is a very difficult time in a young girls life. Here is some of my advice.

1. You are beautiful the way you are- Even though you think there are girls that look 10 times better then you, who cares because you are perfect the way you are. You don't need to look a certain way to get a guy. The right guy will see you for how God made you and not how makeup makes you look. Learn to love yourself, because that shines through more than anything.

2. Don't pressure yourself that much- Of course it's good to have good grades and maybe get on a sports team but you have to do what makes you happy. Follow your heart and dreams and don't do these things to impress your parents, do them for you. Don't pressure yourself because then you will get stressed and that's not healthy. Follow your heart, go with your gut.


3. Watch your friends- Let's face it, not all friends are loyal. You are going to go through friends like flies. Friends come and go but you just have to remember the ones that will always be there. A girl is probably gonna start a rumor about you or make you feel little. Just remember she's immature and that won't get her anywhere in life. Be you, Be happy and be a good friend. If your a good friend then that's all that matters

4. Keep your innocence- There is a guy that is going to come along that is going to sweep you off your feet. However, you gotta be cautious. A guy is going to hurt you, it's what happens in high school. A lot of guys will try and take your virginity in high school or ask you to "send" pictures. But don't, Do not lose that precious part about you. Be the girl you want your future daughter to look up to. Don't be the girl that's sending guys pictures and dating everyone and sleeping with everyone. Stick to being pure, and maybe when you have been with somebody for awhile and you want to lose your virginity to him. Make sure you love him, that's what counts. Do not feel pressured to do any of these things. If a guy is saying things like " Send me a picture your beautiful and I wanna see you" Or " I'm not going to date you if you won't sleep with me". Forget him, because he is not the right guy for you and he does not respect your body or who you are.

5. Be careful of the parties- There are high school parties and yes it gets pretty crazy. Beware and be careful. If you do go, make sure you go with a group of friends you trust and that you know can take care of you. Make sure you have your phone fully charged and know that you can call your parents anytime. If you do not feel comfortable driving home with your friends because they have been drinking. Call your parents or an older sibling or anyone else you may trust. If the cops come and you get caught don't be afraid to talk to your parents. Yes, you might get in trouble but just learn your lesson for the next time. Another tip is beware of your surroundings. If you are drinking ( I hope you aren't) But if you are, do not let go of your drink all night. Make the right decisions and go with your gut feeling wherever you go.

6. Be smart in making decisions and never forget who you are. Do not change for somebody else or to get somebody to like you. Be who you are and that's all that matters. High school is tough but fun at the same time. Cherish these moments, because they will be gone before you know it. You are all beautiful in your own way. Be the lady you want your future daughter to be. & Never forget that God loves you more than you love anybody else!

Meet My Three Best Friends.. Cindy, Kasey & Leah:)

Kasey Driscoll and I have been friends since elementary school but we got really close in high school. She has always been there for me, She has supported me in every single thing I have done and I couldn't be more thankful to have her! We always have a good time when were together and she makes me laugh and brings out the best in me!! I can't believe  e are adults now making grown up decisions but it feels like just yesterday we were in middle school. The years have flown by, but I am so glad I have a best friend that I can count on and who understands me! Can't wait to see what the future holds for the both of us and where we are going to be in the next few years! I have no doubt she will be doing great things with her life!

Leah and I met in youth group when I was in 10th grade. I'll never forget when I met her, I was so nervous walking into the church but she was the first one to let me sit with her and her friends. She has been nothing but a good friend to me and I couldn't be more thankful to have a friend in my life who loves God just as much as I do! We hangout when we can and when she's home from college, I am so proud of her for being a missionary and really being God's hands and feet. I know I can count on her for anything and she will be there for me! I am so Glad God has given me such a good friend! I  am blessed to have her and I will always be there for her!

Cindy and I are actually cousins but we are more like best friends. She has been there through every bad thing I have ever been through and I know I can count on her. She has given me the chance to be a Godmother to her son Mason and I couldn't be more thankful for that. She has such a kind heart and a wonderful personality! We have so many good memories from growing up! I know she's married and a mommy now but no matter what we will always be best friends. She is a blessing and she will be the maid of honor in my wedding and the godmother to my future child. 

I am blessed to have all three of you as my best friends. I wouldn't be who I am without you three!!

The struggle I have had being the "nice girl"

In elementary school I was a really horrible person. I made up tons of lies and hurt a lot of people. I regret it so much, but I had to learn that I can't go back and change the past. The only thing I could control was the future, so I decided to change. I started to be nice to whoever I met. I started to smile at everyone and carry my head held high and just really try and give my effort into being a good person. I began to reach out to whoever I could to help them. I prayed and prayed and asked God to show me a sign of what kind of person I should be. He didn't give me a sign he caused things to happen in my life. Me being suicidal, drug issues in the family and being bullied. All of those things  made me learn what it's like to have a broken heart. Because I've been through so much I can reach out to people and help them because I can relate. Being a nice person really helped me at first, it really helped me with my confidence, deciding on my major for college and I really just felt awesome. However, it hasn't always been easy. People do not appreciate what I do for them. I've had rumors spread about me, I've been made fun of, people think I'm " weird" because I post a lot about Jesus. When honestly, I just try and be the best person I can be. I do my best to be nice to everyone because I know what it's like to be treated like crap. It's terrible that a nice person like me get's a lot of hate in different directions from different kinds of people. I just try and love everyone like Jesus would. It is difficult being the nice girl but I wouldn't want it any other way. I know who I am as a person and that I have a very unique personality. I try not to let people's words or how they act towards me affect me. I know I'm a good girl and I deserve to be treated right. It just gets very draining at times. Putting my effort into so many people's lives when they want nothing to do with me. Sometimes I honestly believe that people could careless about me.  But I keep in the back of my mind what would Jesus do. I live my life everyday for him and my number goal is to make another human being happy. So even If I don't get treated how I should, I am still going to continue to have a heart of gold and give back to as many people as I can. I will always be there for all of you, even if I don't get the respect back. 

* Praying for all of you.

I am truly a Daddy's Girl

My dad is my best friend, my rock and somebody I look up to greatly. He was the first guy that ever stole my heart as a little girl. He is always there for me, fighting for me in every way possible. He has always shown me his heart, and his heart is made of Gold. I don't know anyone with as big of a heart like my dad. He tries to help everybody the best he can, he listens and would protect anyone. Especially if something happened to any of the girls in our family. He would be the first one to beat up any guy that would do us wrong. Seeing him go through many ups and downs has been difficult. There has been times where I thought about giving up, but he always comes out of those times stronger than ever. He has shown me what a great dad he is and how anybody can change and overcome tough times. We have been through so much together, and our relationship hasn't always been perfect but no matter what we love each other. I will always be there for my dad, I will always respect him and try and be the best daughter possible. I will always try and do my part and be a support system for him. He has done nothing but have shown me what hard work and dedication means. No matter how his back feels during the day, he still goes to work to provide for our family and put a roof above our head. That's a real dad, somebody that works hard to put food on the table for us. And even though there are some times we struggle with money, we always come out of it. He really is an amazing guy and I don't know what I would do without him. There has been times where I have cried over stuff I'm going through and he's always there to listen and give me advice. He's been there for every performance I have ever had, whether it was graduating high school, my talent shows, or singing in church. He has always been there and has been my support system through everything. He has shown me God's love and how great things do come our way if we pray and work our hardest at being the best follower of God we can. My dad has been a blessing to this world, he has helped so many people become who they are. I know I can count on him to be there for me through my tough times. I always said I want my future husband to be like my dad. Somebody who works hard, treats woman correctly and loves his family. My dad inspires me because he has been through so much and no matter what he get's through his trials and fights everyday. It is not easy for him and I know that. Some days he wakes up tired from the day before, Some days his back swells, but he does everything he can to put a smile on our faces. I am so thankful for my dad, I know God gave him to me for a reason. He is a great grandfather to my niece, a great father to my sister and I. He is also a great best friend to my mother. I wouldn't change our relationship for anything. I will be there for him as he get's older , I can't wait for him to be a grandfather to my future children and a best friend to whatever Guy comes my way. I can't wait for him to walk me down the isle on my special day, & To have that father daughter dance I've always dreamed of. I will cherish our relationship forever. I am officially a daddy's girl. No matter what happens or where I end up, no matter who I marry. My dad will always be my number 1 and nothing will ever change that. Here's a thank you to my childhood hero. I am proud of all you have accomplished, and I am super proud to be your daughter.


Life lesson: If you have a dad in your life be there for him, love him and accept his flaws.  If you have a dad that hasn't been that great to you, work on being the best you possible and pray for him. If you don't have a dad at all, pray for him and try to understand him. If he doesn't want to be in your life that's okay, just work on you and being the mother/father to your kids that your dad never was.
You are all in my prayers as you go through life's trials. Things will get better, Be a light to everyone. If you carry the light in you , better things will continue to shine through.

Dear Bully...

Dear ignorant, selfish and rude person. You have tried to make my life a living hell. You have tried to bring me down. You have tried to ruin my life and make me feel less than zero. Ya wanna know something? At one point you actually did. You won at one point in my life. You made me depressed, angry and suicidal. However, then I decided to ignore you. Of course there was times when I wanted to unleash my anger and give you a piece of my mind. But I stayed my cool, and I let you treat me like trash. I let you treat me like trash because I figured you were just an evil person. I decided to kill you with kindness and be nice anyway. You are disgusting! You are disgusting because you don't know how to treat somebody. You say mean things, you start rumors, you make somebody feel like a big loser. When in fact your the one that's a loser! How does that make you feel? Making somebody feel like crap for no reason? I know somewhere deep inside of you it bothers you how you treat me. It bothers you how you treat other people, but you can't "help" it because you wanna fit in. Either that or you don't even know how to treat people because you were never shown. You have made me exhausted. I fell to the ground because of you, you beat me up. Made me feel useless and unworthy. You made me feel ugly...How about I say your ugly, gross and pathetic all in one? Because making fun of somebody makes you every bad name in the book. I actually feel really sorry for you, because I know your struggling. I know somewhere deep down inside of you, your heart hurts. I bet you feel suffocated because of something that's going on in your life. That is not my fault, why make fun of somebody for being a human. It does not make you any bigger, smart or more attractive. It makes you look like a horrible person. Is that how you want to be remembered? I know it's not, I know you just want to be accepted and loved. Being a bully gets you nowhere in life, It makes you become a hated person. Stop bullying, Stop making people feel like a waste of life. Stop putting other people down to fill your  insecurity.  I know your not just making fun of me, Your making fun of everybody around you. Your making fun of the innocent people who are struggling themselves. I wanna tell you something, you mean NOTHING. Do you like that? Do you like what I just said? No it probably makes you angry but that's how you make me feel. No matter what I will always be nice to you, I will always show I care because that's how a good person acts. I will love and accept you no matter how you decide to treat me. I will throw out every bad word and rumor you ever started. I am beautiful, strong and intelligent. You will just be another person that didn't succeed in making me insecure.


This is dedicated to anybody that has ever been bullied. I know what it's like to be in your shoes and feel worthless. Just know that there is a bigger plan for your life and your not any word the bully describes or speaks. You are worth more than anything and do not ever think otherwise. If you are the bully I encourage you to change, be the person your parents want you to be:)

God bless!

How Marriage Is Supposed To Be

Marriage is beautiful, it is where you meet somebody and you fall in love and you spend the rest of your life with that person. Marriage to me is God's way of giving us our other half here on earth. I believe he gives us our significant other to have joy. That's what marriage is supposed to be, it's supposed to be full of laughter and full of joy. Marriage should be the way God intended it to be. However, marriages are failing all over the world. Couples are getting divorced left and right, sometimes people stay married but are never really in love with that person. Marriage is failing in our world and I wish I saw more love, instead of divorce. My grandmother always told me you know right away if you found the one your supposed to be with. She always said that there should be a spark between you and that person. I truly believe that, If there is no spark, if you didn't look at that person and say "wow she's beautiful" or " Wow I really like him/her". Then in my opinion you shouldn't be married. You have to be willing to wake up to that person everyday and love them no matter what. Your going to see your husband or wife in ways you have never seen them before. You will see your husband/wife cry, get angry, how they eat, what they wear etc.. It is different then being in a relationship with somebody. Marriage is taking a vow and saying you will spend the rest of your life with that person. Marriage is a love that is bigger than this world. However, marriage sometimes does not stay perfect forever. There are going to be times where you get sick of that person. You will get angry at that person. You will do or say things you regret. But how you stay in love in my opinion is never forgetting the spark you have. Go out on dates once in awhile, say I love you everyday. Write cute letters to your husband/wife. Never forget to appreciate that person and accept them for there flaws. Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. Marriage should lift you up and make you a better person. It should make you want to get your life together and live freely. If it changes you in a bad way and takes you away from your friends and family, That's when it becomes toxic. Be with somebody who loves you for you, and accepts you. Be with somebody who loves your family...There are so many things I could say about marriage, but one of the most important things in a marriage is having God. When you pray with your husband/wife everyday. When you go to church with that person every Sunday, When you wait until marriage with that person to have sex, When you read devotions everyday and you have that support spiritually. You will feel the love between your other person every single day. & That's when you know it is completely real between you two. I have seen marriages fail, but I also have seen marriages really work out. I pray for all of you in hopes that you find that person. Never settle less than what you deserve. For me, I have really high standards. My future husband cannot drink or smoke and he has to respect my wishes and my family. But most importantly my future husband has to want to be best friends with my dad. That is super important to me. I haven't found my guy yet, I haven't felt a spark with anybody. But I do know there is somebody out there for me. I pray all of you find somebody to spend your life with, I pray you end up with your soul mate. We are all still young experiencing life. If you haven't found that person yet, then it is all about waiting. The exciting part is he or she is out there! I wish you all the best in your future relationships. God loves you and I want you all to remember that.

Meet My Dog Cody...

Meet my baby boy, Cody Matthew McMahon. He is my 7 year old, pure bread Labrador retriever and my best friend. Here's the story of how this little man came into my life. In fourth and Fifth grade I lost both of my dogs. Buddy and Buttercup. They were my first real pets and I loved them dearly. I got really depressed because I lost my babies. So I kept begging my mom and dad to get me another dog. I prayed and prayed and mentioned it everyday. Then to a surprise I woke up and my mom told me we were going to take a "drive" to lancaster. I was like what? That's weird. But we went and we walked around Lancaster and ate at Shady Maple. When my parents told me we were going to somebody's house I was confused. We got there and it was a Mennonite family. I thought great! The family is going to teach us all about being a Mennonite , fun! But then the lady opened the door to the garage and there was a room full of new puppies. I was so happy and excited I could barely breathe. I picked up every puppy and his litter came out and they were all so beautiful. Perfect white little babies. There was a dog named Angelcake who was the last born in the litter. She was so cute and played by herself, she was very chubby. The one I held was shaking, it was a little scared of me but it cuddled with me and I loved him! But we all liked the one my parents were holding so we decided to pick him! We took him home and of course he didn't like the car and the first few nights were rough with potty training and staying up with him at night. He missed his family but we did the best we could. Over the years he has had a bunch of nicknames including, Bubba, Poopah, Code, Booboo . He answers to any of those names. He plays all the time and just wants to cuddle. He comes in my room when I'm studying, he takes a nap and puts his head on my knee. However, the best thing I love about Cody is his love and concern for me. Whenever he sees me cry, Whenever he sees me depressed or angry. He comes over to me, licks my tears and let's me hug him until I'm done being upset. It is the best feeling in the world to have an animal love me for me. He knows what potty means, he knows how to sit, give paw and lay down.  He has had a rough patch, he used to run away when he was younger because he wasn't fixed. He jumps on people because he gets excited and barks at neighbors. Chews almost everything up. But I would not change him for the world. He is my baby and my best friend and I will always love him, I love my Cody Matthew, and even though he can be a real pain. I'd rather have him than no dog at all. It's true when they say Dog's are a man's best friend. They truly are, they are there for you no matter what. I am a blessed girl to have my bubba in my life. 

How being a Godmother changed my life...

Three years ago I got the biggest blessing of all, I got asked to be the Godmother to this little boy. When I found out his mom was pregnant I was so excited! But putting my hand on her belly to feel him move was even better. I knew what I had to do to get ready for him to enter into the world. I prepared myself and got myself ready to be the best influence I can be for him. The day of his birth was rather exciting. I woke up at 5 am and went to rices with my family. I then got a call that his mommy was being rushed to the hospital because she was going into labor. When I arrived at the hospital I waited in the waiting room for awhile. I did not want to miss my Godson being born! Then after awhile he finally came and I got to meet him for the first time. It was so magical, when I saw him I was overwhelmed with joy. I sat down in a chair and he was placed in my arms and I knew in that moment our relationship was going to be special. I spent the next few days going to the hospital everyday and enjoying my time with him. After about a week I went and visited him at home and changed my first poopy diaper ever! It was such a blessing to be able to spend time with him! As he has grown he has turned into an amazing little boy! Sometimes I think he's even smarter than me! He calls me Manda and when I see him he brightens my day! He loves Paw patrol, ninja turtles, and video games. He loves to play hide and seek and he loves the outdoors! You see, Mason made me grow up. He made me realize what love truly means. Of course I love my other family members. However, when your a Godmother the meaning of love changes. Love is patient and kind and beautiful, It's when you think about somebody and you get happy and feel a warmness in your heart. That's what love is! Mason made me realize that it does not take much to be happy! We have to appreciate what we have. I have turned into the best human being because of him, because he showed me that love is greater than anything else. I would do anything for this little boy, I would give up my life to save his. Hearing his laugh, seeing his smile, watching him grow has been the biggest joy in my life! I will always support him no matter what, I will always be somebody he can look up to. I will always give him nothing but love. Mason Caleb Bennett has made me a better human being and he has brought me nothing but joy, happiness and peace. He is God's gift to me and I will forever be thankful that I have a little boy that looks up to me and loves me for me. I can't wait to continue to watch him grow for the next 15 years until he's 18!!

Being a Godmother is being called to be a light into that child's life. I am thankful everyday for him, 

If you have a baby or child in your life..Whether it's a Godchild or your own child or a niece or nephew or cousin. Be the best person you can be for that child. Show that child love and cherish every moment with them. If you have to change to be the best role model to that child then do it! You are all in my prayers, your all wonderful, beautiful, inspiring people! I will continue to pray for all of you!

We are in chains because we are chained to our world.

Were young..we don't know what God's plan is. We are still figuring ourselves out, it's confusing. What do we want to be, Who do we want to be? How can anybody our age or younger come up with these answers...we are in a broken world that does not even know to repair itself. We are in such a deep rut we don't know how to escape. We are in chains because we are chained to our world. We have to look a certain way, feel a certain way, dream a certain way, we have to be everybody's puppets instead of who we are. We should be able to cover ourselves in tattoo's if we want without feeling judged. Girls should be able to walk out of there house without make-up and still feel beautiful. Guys should be able to express themselves however they need in a healthy way. We should be able to be who we want to be as people because that is all we are. We are humans and I think what our parents and adults from a different time age don't understand is that our world is way more broken then it was. We don't get the freedom to go outside on our own anymore, we could get kidnapped. We have drugs and alcohol everywhere we turn. We come from broken homes that are hard to live in. We don't know how to act or who to be because of the world we have grown up in. It has formed us to be somebody we are not. That's why I made the decision to be ME! I broke off the chains. If I wanna get tattoo's I will get tattoo's. If I wanna carry my bible with me everywhere, I'll carry it. If I want to dress modest, I'll dress modest. If I wanna be funny and crack jokes, I will! I can choose who I am. The world does not define me, I do not have to make tons of money to be happy. I do not have to wear my hair a certain way to get guys to like me. The world is full of crap and that's why I decided to try and change it. Even if it's something small , it is something great. That is why I started this blog, to be a light to the world that this world is lacking. Even if I have my own issues myself that I need to work on, I know I'm supposed to do this and that God is calling me to do this. Be who you want to be!! Let your real attitude and your real beautiful personality and appearance come through! Don't cover up and let this world define you. Don't let your parents tell you who to be or anybody else for that matter. God made you for who you are and if you try and change that, cover it up with makeup or big muscles your going to be unhappy. Everybody deserves happiness and the first part of becoming happy is saying F you to the world and digging out the real you and expressing it. I see strength in all of us, I believe we could change the world if we just put down the bad and bring out the good. If we just stop living how this world makes us live and just be ourselves. We may be the broken age, but we sure as hell are stronger than most. I give props to us being this young and getting through. You should be very proud.

Show the real you, express, love, pray and enjoy life!!

My thoughts and prayers to all of you..

I know somewhere deep down your struggling. I know that something in your life might be confusing, you might feel lonely, unaccepted and just down right tired. I know what it's like to feel that way, and it is the worst feeling in the world. However, I know you will get through it. Overtime I have had to deal with my anxiety, my anger issues, my pain and coping skills to get over my past. At times it can be difficult and I really have to go back and retrain my brain to get the bad thoughts out. At night it's the worst because I lay in bed and old memories will come back and it is not a good feeling. In order to get rid of that, I pray aloud or write my thoughts down. I just want you to know, I've been where you are and you are all in my prayers. Whether we talk or not it does not matter because you have a big purpose in the world. Life stinks sometimes, that's apart of it. You just have to stay strong and realize that this world is temporary and not permanent. The permanent world is heaven. God loves you more than anything! It says so in the bible! I love you all, Your beautiful, well rounded human beings and I never want you to forget that!!!

Relax, think of the ocean and summer!!!<3.

What it's like being the "Fat" girl

 In elementary school I began to gain a lot of weight. I started to eat my feelings away. The only way to deal with my pain was to eat. That's all I did was eat, Shortly over time I just gained and gained. I thought I was beautiful when I was younger, even If I was bigger. I didn't see myself as ugly until sixth grade came. When sixth grade came it was a different story. I began to get bullied for my weight, Guys wouldn't talk to me. I had no friends besides a few but they were mostly girls. I would walk down the hallway and guys would make fun of me. The one day when I was walking to the school bus, somebody that lived down the street from me told me I was too fat and that I was causing cracks in the sidewalk. I will never forget what I felt in that moment. I still to this day don't like him and I never have and never will. I was football manager in middle school in 8th grade and some of the guys were so sweet, but I knew what the rest were thinking. Some of the guys on the football team laughed at me because I was wearing skinny pants, Another guy used to call me a fat f*** when I was carrying the waters to put them back where they belong. & I never told the coach because I was too nice and I didn't want to crush anyone's dreams. I thought be the bigger person and just let them make fun of me. Imagine that, a girl who's putting her whole effort into helping the football team and it still isn't good enough. My self esteem declined and I just lost it after that. I kept gaining weight and when I got put on medicine for my depression and anxiety I gained 50 lbs because of it. So I was even more over weight. Now that I'm in college I have seen the way guys have treated me and honestly I've gotten zero respect from anyone. All because I'm a bigger girl it makes me different. I would hangout with my best friend and she would call her guy friends and we'd all hangout but they weren't there for me, they were there for her. As you can see it hasn't been easy being me. Everybody always told me over the years I'd be happy if I just lost some weight. However, I refuse too and here's why. If I lost the weight I would be "socially accepted". I'm sure guys would be running towards me, I'd have more friends and life would be "great". Why change just to be liked by guys and other people? I need to love myself first then loose the weight if I feel like it. So I began to love myself, I still love my bigger size. I love my body at times, I think I look great when I dress up. I feel beautiful when I have makeup on and my hairs done. I feel like that's who I am, a beautiful , perky , happy human being and honestly I wouldn't change myself one bit. Yes, I could exercise more but I am healthy and getting my blood work done every six months proves so. No matter what people say about me or how guys treat me, I will always know I am beautiful. I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful heart. Somebody that would do anything for anybody, that would save a life. I am a good person who never deserved how I got treated in the past. I made a decision that I wasn't going to let it define me, Yeah I think about it and get sad. However, I wouldn't change a thing. The guys that made fun of me in the past, I pray there doing well. If somebody else was in my position I'm pretty sure they would have told somebody. But I didn't, because I figured it's not my job to judge. How do I know what there going through? They could come from an abusive father who doesn't know how to treat a woman. I don't know, but I figured I'd let them live there life. All I know is I'm happy being me and if nobody can accept it that's there problem. We have to love our bodies. If we don't love ourselves first, nobody is going to love us. It's apart of being strong and being the woman God embraced us to be. I may be the "fat" girl but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am proud being me, I am proud that I am a good person and that no matter how people treat me I'm always kind back. Love your body, no matter what size you are, you are beautiful. It took me years to realize mine is beautiful. You just gotta shut out everybody's opinion and work hard and embrace YOU.

Growing up with a choice...

Growing up my parents gave me a choice, almost like a freedom. Do I want to believe in God or not? They gave me the decision and freedom to choose my beliefs. Growing up I was never forced into christian music, I was never forced into church. I was never forced into modest clothing. I was never forced into watching The Brady bunch or the little house in the prairie, instead of mtv or a pg-13 movie. I was given a choice on what I wanted. My parents brought me to church on my own will. If I wanted to go , I'd ask my dad to wake me up. If I had a question about the bible I'd ask my parents. My parents read me bible stories growing up. They would always play the Gaither's and watch tv sermons. But I didn't have to pay attention if I didn't want to.  I guess the point is I'm glad I was never forced, because I believe if I was forced I would run away from God. I saw God on my own and met him on my own. All my parents did was show me that God is there. My parents showed me the light of God. They didn't say you can't watch Laguna beach because there's kids making out, or you can't listen to Eminem because there is horrible language. They let me make my own choices. I am super thankful for that to this day and I will raise my children the exact same way. I have learned that when children have a voice in what they believe and freedom to make there own choices. They turn out just fine, All parents need to do is be a "light". Show your child God's love by being a loving person. If they see you as a parent helping other people, attending church, reading your bible and always smiling. Your child will begin to wonder what's going on with you. & They will begin to ask questions like I did. When your child is forced they begin to sin because they don't see "love", They see a strict home full of criticism and judgement. I may not be a parent yet, but I have learned a lot from seeing my Godchild and little cousin's grow. Giving a child freedom and a choice is a beautiful thing and it will make your child love you and love the world and that to me is important! Thank you mommy and daddy!

What it's like to have family members and friends as drug addicts...

So recently I have been struggling so much. Balancing school, trying to find a job that makes me happy and dealing with my own insecurities. However, there are deeper issues going on farther than my control. I have family members addicted to drugs. I don't know how I can keep going with the ups and downs of having addicts in my life. It is so exhausting, I have been through so much trauma in the past nineteen years. I cannot even comprehend how I am still here. I can't even tell you how many times I wanted to take my life, I thought about taking my life a lot but actually, But I planned to take my life twice and received help. However, help only goes so far. Medication and counseling helps us cope. But those two combined together do not help the situation we live in or the people we are surrounded by. I didn't get a choice on who my family was going to be when I was born, God chose my family for me. So I guess I'm left with them. Yes there are good times, but there are also really bad times. I think what people don't understand is that having multiple addicts in your family is like pain beyond belief. When you are not around the addict your okay, because you can finally think of your own thoughts and get your life together. But when you are around an addict a hundred thoughts race through your mind. Such as,

• Are they okay
• Are they high
• How can I keep them from calling there dealer
• Look at the track marks on there arms:(
• I can't keep doing this
• I need to get them help
• I need to move out
• I need to pray for them
• I need God to save this person...

Many thoughts come to mind and it is very difficult. For the past nineteen years of life I have only tried to be a good person. "innocent" Amanda. The kind of person that loves there family no matter what.  However, in an addicts mind they don't care. They could careless about me or how I feel or that I'm there family member. All they want is the drug, that is all they see in there minds and that hurts a great deal. I have tried so many times to change myself because I thought maybe if I change they will begin to see and say wow I need to change like her! But that has not happened, not once so I just stopped changing. I have evolved to be a broken hearted person. I have seen so many things from big thought out fights, to drug deals, to somebody being high 24/7 and not making the right decisions. Overtime you begin to see the addict change, from that once kind person to an evil devil like human being. They begin to steal, they begin to look like there dying and they begin not to care.  I wish I could change the addicts thought pattern, I wish I could throw out the drugs, I wish I could just punch the addict sometimes. However, I have realized the only one that can change an addict is God.  I have done everything I could have. I have given it my all to try and change every person in my family or friends list and I just cannot do it anymore. I can no longer be the adult, I can no longer be responsible for those people. I have to move on and focus on other things and worry about my own life. I have been trapped in an addicts world for a long time. Overtime you begin to not think straight, or even look the same anymore. I do know God is there and he has listened to me cry and curse horrible words a million times. He never leaves me and I know that. I guess just watching an addict grow overtime is like watching bullets go straight through you. No matter how many times you want to stop them from coming, they keep coming as fast as they can. I guess I'm writing this because I need to vent, but also I need people to see what an addict does to somebody. Hopefully an addict will read this and try and change. Or hopefully somebody can read this and say " I feel the same way". I know that there is hope and I keep praying God will change things. I just have learned that I cannot be the one to try and change the addict. God is the only one who can. I pray for all of you and I pray that you do not have to go through what I have been through. If you are going through something similar, I only pray that you find God. God is the ultimate redeemer and he can change things, he can change YOU. We all have the power to be good people. I try everyday, I just have to set little reminders in my brain not to give up. As soon as I get my degree I can get a job somewhere far and leave and only keep contact with people who have shown me there love over the years. You are all in God's hands. I am in God's hands and I know he will get me through.

God Bless,

Amanda.