I'm slowly coming around..

I feel myself slowly coming around and becoming new again. I started to listen to christian music again.. I forgot how happy Christian music makes me feel. It makes me feel whole, it makes me feel loved , free and happy. I found this song It Is Well By Bethel and I fell in love so much. I loved it so much that I began to cry while listening to it. I got chills and it touched me to the point of where it softened my heart. My heart has not been softened in months. I've been so uptight and angry because of stupid life. Music changes that in my especially Christian music. I think it changes my heart because it has beautiful words. It is not full of drugs, sex or bad language. It's all about love and the heart and soul. In my opinion if you fill your mind with good things then you will see a change in yourself. I started to realize today that I've been filling my mind with junk. I may not be where I should be with God right now. I am working on my relationship with him. I am going to try to spend everyday with him and pray out loud and dig deep to see what I find. I honestly, feel like I just lost touch with him almost. I feel like I'm the prodigal son in the relationship. However, I am willing to change if he just lets me feel him. I haven't felt God in such a long time. I know some of it is my own doing but sometimes I wish he would just show up once in awhile. I'm dropping everything and I am letting him into my soul to see what he does. He changed my heart before, I believe he can change it again if I just put the baggage down. I am blessed to be sitting here writing this because in sixth grade I almost ended my life. I do know that If I wasn't here I'd be sad because I would've missed the birth of all of these wonderful babies in my life. I know I am loved...I just hurt sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like my heart's been ripped out. I have figured out that I will always go through ups and downs, its just a matter of figuring out the balance. I pray God will give me peaceful balance. I don't intend to be perfect, I just want peace. I want to be a better person. I wanna stop yelling at my mom and dad and I wanna be there for family members who need me. I wanna stop judging people based on there choices and I wanna work on my anger. It's a really long process but slowly I'm coming back. I know it's not going to be an immediate fix but I truly believe I will be changed. I just want to thank my family and friends and church family for dealing with my psycho self. I've been through so much but you all have been there every single step of the way. Couldn't be more blessed. I may not know my purpose right now and I may be hurting or confused. However, I know there is a reason behind this and I will find myself again. It's just a matter of time until I am singing on stage again at church, I just gotta get my heart together first<3.