For the four - six months I have walked away from God. I stopped praying, I stopped going to church and volunteering. I stopped stay connected, I stopped reading my bible because I had many doubts. I was angry and confused. My whole life I was taught about this "loving" God but things keep happening around me and no matter what I do or how strong I am with God, none of them go away. I became an unbeliever for awhile. I am completely not ashamed to admit it. I'm not afraid to say I didn't believe in God and I gave up in believing in him. When I stopped believing and actually said out loud to my parents, I hate God and I don't believe in him. I felt a stab in my heart, almost like a soul completely left my body. Like I wasn't holy anymore or that I wasn't filled with love. Hate came in and drew me down. I started hating my family, hating my friends. I started having mental breakdowns again. I started crying myself to sleep and feeling lonely , lost and empty. I didn't know what to do. I was scared, Almost like is this really happening again? Am I getting suicidal again? Is there something wrong with me? So many question's came into my head. Then I was suffering with people telling me there is no God and I started believing everything they were saying and I started believing in science and I began turning into a complete Athiest. Two days ago I was with my friends and had an anxiety attack. I haven't had one of them in about a month or 2 or in public in awhile. It was really hard and my friends had a difficult time understanding what was wrong with me. I haven't cried in public in forever, but I started remembering that these symptoms and feelings didn't develop until I left God himself. So when I came home I wrote God a prayer because I like to write . I started listening to Christian music again because I've neglected it for so long. I started listening to Testimony's on Youtube and all of these things just impacted my life to the point of me being in tears. Because God has started to creep in my life. My heart is beginning to feel the spark it had before. I started listening to people like Dr. Jason Lisle who is firm on the belief that Science is in the Bible and he can prove it. I started listening to Ken Ham who knows all about creation. I guess what I've learned is, it's not going to be easy for me to automatically step in and recharge my faith. I really have to work at it and I've learned that God is like a parent. Sometimes he does things in your life that don't make sense. Sometimes he tells you know, Sometimes you feel his love , Sometimes you don't. He teaches you life lessons but one thing he really does is he truly cares. I know this because I've seen his spirit change people in person. I've seen people walk down an isle in front of so many people to get saved. I've felt God so strong to the point of where I've sat in church and started to sob because I'm selfish. I'm selfish that I neglected him all because I didn't agree with what he was doing in my life. But I realized that he has a bigger plan for me then what I have for myself. I have Faith that he will guide me and make sure I'm okay. I have Faith he will help me get a Job and finish college and get married someday. I have Faith, Faith is believing in something you cannot see. Just like when a family member dies and you see them in your dreams or feel them around you. You can't see them but you feel them and that's how God is. You can't see him but he talks to people in different ways and he speaks through music and Bible teachings and he gives you a hope bigger than you would ever imagine. I'm not 100 % where I should be yet with God. I have tons to work on, I have to figure things out and work on being a great follower but I do know that he's got me. All I have to do is trust and let go from the chains and the baggage that I've carried for the past six months. I've made the decision to get back in a relationship with him and I've made the decision that I will attend church on Sunday because I need nothing more than to have him back into my life. I need nothing more than to feel free and happy and alive. And honestly, you don't get bigger feeling . No drug, alcohol . Not any person can make you feel the way God does. He gives you a natural high and it is the most amazing feeling you could ever experience. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. If you have any prayer request's email me! Thanks.
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