What it's like to have family members and friends as drug addicts...

So recently I have been struggling so much. Balancing school, trying to find a job that makes me happy and dealing with my own insecurities. However, there are deeper issues going on farther than my control. I have family members addicted to drugs. I don't know how I can keep going with the ups and downs of having addicts in my life. It is so exhausting, I have been through so much trauma in the past nineteen years. I cannot even comprehend how I am still here. I can't even tell you how many times I wanted to take my life, I thought about taking my life a lot but actually, But I planned to take my life twice and received help. However, help only goes so far. Medication and counseling helps us cope. But those two combined together do not help the situation we live in or the people we are surrounded by. I didn't get a choice on who my family was going to be when I was born, God chose my family for me. So I guess I'm left with them. Yes there are good times, but there are also really bad times. I think what people don't understand is that having multiple addicts in your family is like pain beyond belief. When you are not around the addict your okay, because you can finally think of your own thoughts and get your life together. But when you are around an addict a hundred thoughts race through your mind. Such as,

• Are they okay
• Are they high
• How can I keep them from calling there dealer
• Look at the track marks on there arms:(
• I can't keep doing this
• I need to get them help
• I need to move out
• I need to pray for them
• I need God to save this person...

Many thoughts come to mind and it is very difficult. For the past nineteen years of life I have only tried to be a good person. "innocent" Amanda. The kind of person that loves there family no matter what.  However, in an addicts mind they don't care. They could careless about me or how I feel or that I'm there family member. All they want is the drug, that is all they see in there minds and that hurts a great deal. I have tried so many times to change myself because I thought maybe if I change they will begin to see and say wow I need to change like her! But that has not happened, not once so I just stopped changing. I have evolved to be a broken hearted person. I have seen so many things from big thought out fights, to drug deals, to somebody being high 24/7 and not making the right decisions. Overtime you begin to see the addict change, from that once kind person to an evil devil like human being. They begin to steal, they begin to look like there dying and they begin not to care.  I wish I could change the addicts thought pattern, I wish I could throw out the drugs, I wish I could just punch the addict sometimes. However, I have realized the only one that can change an addict is God.  I have done everything I could have. I have given it my all to try and change every person in my family or friends list and I just cannot do it anymore. I can no longer be the adult, I can no longer be responsible for those people. I have to move on and focus on other things and worry about my own life. I have been trapped in an addicts world for a long time. Overtime you begin to not think straight, or even look the same anymore. I do know God is there and he has listened to me cry and curse horrible words a million times. He never leaves me and I know that. I guess just watching an addict grow overtime is like watching bullets go straight through you. No matter how many times you want to stop them from coming, they keep coming as fast as they can. I guess I'm writing this because I need to vent, but also I need people to see what an addict does to somebody. Hopefully an addict will read this and try and change. Or hopefully somebody can read this and say " I feel the same way". I know that there is hope and I keep praying God will change things. I just have learned that I cannot be the one to try and change the addict. God is the only one who can. I pray for all of you and I pray that you do not have to go through what I have been through. If you are going through something similar, I only pray that you find God. God is the ultimate redeemer and he can change things, he can change YOU. We all have the power to be good people. I try everyday, I just have to set little reminders in my brain not to give up. As soon as I get my degree I can get a job somewhere far and leave and only keep contact with people who have shown me there love over the years. You are all in God's hands. I am in God's hands and I know he will get me through.

God Bless,

Amanda.