This is the beginning

This is the beginning of something wonderful. If somebody told me I'd be doing this well  mentally six years ago I would've thought you were crazy. Six years ago it was a dark road for me. I had no where to turn . I thought I would have no life. Nobody to talk to. I thought I was completely alone. I was in a fog. Every day I would wake up and come up with a new lie to make myself feel better. I would say mean things to friends, start rumors and hurt people like people have hurt me. I thought maybe if I hurt other people by words it would make people understand how I've been hurt. But really it just made me angry. It really started when my grandfather passed away on my birthday. Everything was so happy with him. He was always making me laugh and although I was young and it was my birthday when he passed he was still a memory I will never forget. I would just go to school and put on a face. I had no friends. I would swing on the swing set and sing as loud as I could. Because singing was the only thing that made me feel whole. I was so behind . Way more behind than any other student. I couldn't even use scissor's the correct way. Math was the big one and still is. Gym was  also awful. I was suffering from anxiety even when I was little. It started in 1st grade and grew until I began to snap. Life just wasn't going good for me. When I was growing up I heard about God. I went to Sunday School and my family were Christian's. But I never understood growing up about God and honestly I wasn't even sure he was there to be honest. I just thought my family was crazy. When I got into 6th grade the war began. I lost friends all over the place. I lost site of who I was. The lies were continuing the pain I was enduring was still there. At such a young age I was developing what I didn't know or understand. I was developing Bipolar. Little did I know I had all of these disorders but I found out them later. I would cry in class on a daily basis,  I would get bullied for my weight especially by guys older, younger and the same age. I felt alone. I was super scared and I had so much anxiety that everyday during school I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I then started to think of suicide. There was just pain all around me . A dark cloud. I didn't feel loved one bit. Not from friends, family , God or anybody because I felt like nobody could understand what I was going through and where I've been. I've ruined people and I've hurt people. How could I have moved on? . I wanted to die. Every bit of ounce in me didn't want to live. When I would yell at my mom I would told her I wanted to die and that nobody would be happy if I was gone. My family are great people. I put them through a lot but even they were blind to notice the signs of my depression, anger, anxiety and my suicidal thoughts. Nobody knew what was going on inside of my head. But the people that knew were school counselors and teachers. There the ones that made a difference in my life. They talked to me about what was going on in my head. I couldn't hold it in any longer.  They got me help and I went to this place called foundations. It was not for me. I just felt so weird and uncomfortable. So they put me on meds and kept me going. After about a month the meds would stop working and I would have to switch. It was awful. But the worst part was when I went back to school after my treatment people began to treat me differently. I was known as the "crazy" one in school. When really all I wanted from somebody was a big hug and to know everything was going to be okay. The years went on . Still on meds. I ended up going to treatment 6th, 8th and 9th grade. I just thought I would be in and out of mental health centers my whole life. What I noticed is nobody came at me with love. They came at me with "She needs help" Or "She's not normal". But I wanted everyone to shut up and give me piece. But my parents were great they were really my hero's. After 9th grade I decided to start this school called Palcs. It's a cyberschool they have proms and graduation and any normal thing a regular public school would have. But nobody wanted me to change. Even my friends told me I was doing wrong. But I knew in my heart I had to make this decision. Cyberschool changed me and gave me my hope back. Then I began to find a wonderful church named Woodside Presbyterian. What a beautiful church. I call it my second " home". The most loving people I have ever met attend there. My youth group leaders have been amazing to me. & I've met two of my best friends in the whole world. Ever since I found God things have changed. But I think one of the things people miss understand about finding " God". Is that when you get saved people say your whole life should change. The circumstances your in don't change. But the person you are changes. You are no longer the same person you were. That's what people need to understand. God changes you & You change your life because your mind is at ease. God does answer prayer though. The power of prayer is stronger than I could ever let you in on. You really have to experience it yourself. Your prayer always get's answered. It's either God shuts a door and tells you know. Or he opens a big door and says yes. Either way he loves you and he knows what's best for you. My point is. I came from a very dark place. I want to inspire others and show others that there is a God out there. & Yeah people may think I'm " Crazy" for believing in something bigger than myself.  Believe me I've gotten enough negative stuff from unbelievers that I know for sure they think I'm crazy. But that's fine with me. Because I'd rather be crazy and an outcast for believing in God. Then someone who fits in and parties and is unhappy. Everyone has something there unhappy about on the inside. Everyone's hearts are broken and everyone has been through some tough things in there life. But no matter what YOU can become something. YOU have the power to change you. Whether you believe in God or not just know that YOU are loved. YOU are worthy. and Worth every penny in the world. Please just trust me your not going to give up. Because if you give up that just means you can't grow. Pain makes us into better people. Pain brings us happiness. If we don't see pain or darkness in our lives we are never going to understand how strong we are and what we are capable of as people. YOU have the power to make a difference just by being somebody's friend. Never give up. Fight. If you need anything message me on facebook:) Stay beautiful everyone!