God's Imperfect Beauty

The title of this blog speaks for itself.  I haven't been to a church in months, haven't read my bible in months. Haven't prayed in months and haven't thought about God at all for months. I feel such a dark cloud over me and it's because I walked away from my faith a little bit this year. I walked away because I just feel lonely even when I'm at church, I feel full of anxiety. Things keep happening in my life that are causing me to second guess my relationship with him . I don't really have any good Christian mentors or people that I feel I can trust. I just feel completely judged with everything that comes out of my mouth. Over the course of this year I have also lost who I am a little bit. I can't find my church home and as I am writing all of this I feel like people are going to say "your being negative" but I will say that I am trying everyday to be positive. But what I know about God and what I learned about him is that even when I walk away, even when I have anger and anxiety ..he still listens to me. I am God's imperfect beauty. I am not a perfect Christian I'll admit it. I am far from it and I'm sure every other Christian will say the same that nobody is perfect. I think God views me as his beautiful daughter and I also think he understands my situation and why I have walked away a little bit. What I am really praying for is for someone amazing to walk into my life. Somebody who can help me grow and who doesn't bring negativity into my life. Somebody who can guide me and help me with my walk with Christ. I don't have anyone right now and I think that's the worst part. I just feel alone. I guess I decided to write this because it is my therapy and I've been seeing some pretty dark days. So I ask for everyone's prayers that I will come out of this strong. I know I will because everything I have faced I have come out of . I will continue to try and find myself in the midst of all of this "stuff" I am working hard to try and fix. What I love about God though is he still loves me no matter what I choose.

I Am Courageous.

Having Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease as well as Fibromyalgia and possibly Hypothyroidism( not sure yet). has been so damn difficult. At times I want to scream, at times I just don't wanna get out of bed but I fight every single day. I am going to give you the low down on what UCTD is. Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease, is an autoimmune disease. Much like Lupus ..The only difference is instead of my immune system attacking my organs..it attacks my Tissues in my body. Causes me to be in extreme pain everyday, feel tired and basically depressed. It kind of has symptoms of a bunch of different autoimmune diseases in one.  With  my Fibromyalgia it's just an all over stiff pain. I  also found out recently I have degenerative changes to my spine and a few bulging discs so that also doesn't lessen any of my pain. Living with UCTD is so hard, each day is a battle . Some days you feel great and others you feel so sick you can't move. Friends don't understand, family doesn't understand..it's a hard situation but it has for sure taught me a lot. I started to have symptoms when I was 12 years old..in 6th grade. I had no idea that it was the reason I became suicidal. I ignored all of my symptoms until it lead me to want to end my life. I HAD to go to school everyday and that was extremely difficult. Teachers thought I would never graduate or ever work in the real world. I was late to school a lot..wasn't passing my classes. I was trying to balance everything but I ended up loosing my mind and entering in a treatment center. Years later I finally got diagnosed. For the doctors at Penn I am forever grateful. I saw doctor after doctor and psychiatrist after psychiatrist and none of them could figure it out until I finally went to Penn Medicine. I still have depression issues today and newly developed anxiety that has become pretty serious nowadays. But  I am telling you all this to give you some hope. In today's evil world we need all the hope we can get and I hope my story of trial will help you reach you gain some faith in yourself. Every day I try not to focus on the fact that I'm sick. I try and focus on the love and the hope there is for my life . I get my strength from God and I get my hope at my job when I see my work kids faces everyday and how happy they are to see me. Some days at the end of the day like yesterday I could barely walk from my car to my house. I threw my stuff down took a bunch of ibuprofen..got in the shower and then went to bed. It was the worst pain I felt in forever. What having UCTD has taught me though is how strong I am and how I can get through anything. I have been through many difficult situations in my life and somehow someway I come out of them okay. I know as of right now there is no cure for this disease. But I know that I can manage this and I can work on being positive. One of the biggest emotions I have been having trouble beating is anger. I have lots of anger towards how I can watch other people go to college and get great jobs, find amazing boyfriends,  the kind of people who have just always naturally succeeded..and I've just never had that opportunity. But deep down inside I know that God has my back and he can fight off  evil. I stand tall everyday just by waking up at 5:30 am in the morning. I stand tall everyday by putting on my shoes and socks. I stand tall everyday by giving my job everything I have even if I am so incredibly exhausted. It's not easy but every body has a purpose in life and I know exactly what mine is. Which is to help others become the best version of themselves. I may not be at the best part of my life or where I want to be. But I have complete Faith and Strength. I have courage and I will not let this tear me apart if anything I will let God use me for good. If you are struggling with something in your life, always remember that even when you feel like you can't go another day there is a purpose for the next chapter. God needs to use you in somehow someway. God bless.

" God goes with her, and that's what sustains her".

This quote couldn't be anymore perfect for this time in my life. At this time in my life I have been battling many different emotions. Panic attacks, anger, feeling sick and overwhelmed. I am going to be honest...my relationship with God is slim. It is slim and it has fallen apart because I have failed to see. I have failed to see all of the great things God has given me, and I have only looked at the bad. I have only looked at I feel sick today or I don't wanna live today. Or I feel lonely today, instead of looking at the bigger picture. Today I had off from work so I sat around, slept in and had time to reflect on the past year. I haven't had the time to reflect on anything because I haven't had the chance to pause. Don't get me wrong, I've had lots of free time but none where I could get my brain to calm down. Well today it finally calmed down. I watched a movie about Anne Frank today, I've read the book but I have never watched the movie. I did just that and it brought me into her life. I couldn't stop watching. It put my life into perspective. I am so incredibly thankful I do not have to be in hiding. I am so incredibly thankful that I do not have to share my room with a male stranger. I am so thankful that I don't have to abandon my dog at home ( Anne left her beloved cat). I am so incredibly thankful that I have food and a home to live in. What I found most interesting though, is that Anne and I are similar. She argued with her parents and resented her mother when she only tried to help. I do the same thing, Anne writes...As do I hence for this blog that I keep. Anne had a sister who she thought was way prettier then her and I feel the same way about my sister. Anne had insecurities of feeling not pretty enough. I have those same insecurities . Yet her situation was way more difficult then mine and most people's. Anne made me appreciate my life and what it is. I couldn't imagine being separated from my family and never seeing them again. Watching my niece be taken away by evil men. But that is what happened with the Holocaust. That is what happened with Anne. Here's the thing though, I appreciate my life more... I have realized that even though it is purely horrible and dreadful at times. That I have a lot to look forward to. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am very blessed. I realized today that God has given me so much and I need to start thanking him. I need to start appreciating my surroundings. I need to start realizing that he gave me these health issues for a purpose. Even though I am so angry I am still so at peace. In the world there are so many bad things happening but yet so many people forget to see all of the beauty that happens out of tragedies. So even though my sickness is a negative thing in my life. I am not going to let it turn into something ugly, instead I want God's hand to be apart of it. I want God's hand to take something bad in my life and turn it into something beautiful. Not many people agree with my beliefs . Not many people believe in me and just think I'm a piece of garbage. However, I see much more in myself. I see a girl who has been pushed down, tortured and spit right out. I have seen her get right back up wobbly and unable to function but standing there fierce ready to fight. I am who I am and even though I have bailed on God for the past few months. I know he still loves me and he IS what sustains me. Without knowing him. Without feeling him. Without having an understanding of who he is.. I would be NOTHING. I would have NOTHING to look forward to when I leave this earth. I am thankful for God. I am also thankful for Anne Frank for showing her courage in her diary, so people would have an understanding of life during the Holocaust but also about being a teenage girl going through difficult times. My life isn't over, my story isn't over and I am going to keep shining the light in this world even if people judge me. God sustains me .

Going Through Poison.

All of my life I have gone through what I like to call Poison. Ever since I was a little girl I have been extremely unhealthy.   My mom had to endure a terrible pregnancy and I almost did not make it. I did not walk until I was 18 months. I got RSV which is an infection in the lungs when I was 2 years old. I had to be hospitalized and be put in a Oxygen tent. I was off an on sick my whole life with Asthma. I got lots of different tests done from Children's Hospital and St. Christopher's . My mom always knew my whole life that something was up but doctors just kept giving her the same answer NO. When I was in Elementary school I began having balance issues and leg pain. Went to doctor after doctor.. I just kept getting that I'm fine. When I reached middle school about 12 years old I began having Psychiatric issues and really started to suffer. My brain wasn't working the way it was supposed to. I wasn't succeeding in my classes and I was suffering. 6th-8th and 9th grade I went into treatment to get some help. After 9th grade my mom put me in a Cyber school.. It was the only way I could function and not be sick all the time. I was in remission from my Asthma, I still felt bad but not as bad as a I did before in other years.  I graduated and found rest...even though I was still suffering . It was a manageable suffering. Here I am years later at the age of 22 and It is no longer manageable. I have been through lots of ER trips. Lots of x rays , blood tests..you name it I've been through it. A year ago I finally received a diagnoses of a Connective Tissue disease. I got  put on my medication right away. A year later I am at the worst I have ever been. I have taken off of work so much because of how sick I have been. There has been 2 ER trips so far in the past 3 weeks. Not even counting 3 Urgent Care trips.  My lungs are giving up on me which now is requiring me to go see a Lung doctor. I am currently seeing a Neurologist for the possibility of having MS or another disorder. I am getting three MRI's in a matter of three hours this Saturday. The list has not even ended what might come next. I have been suicidal, exhausted and in extreme pain. At times I just want to throw in the towel and give up on my life. I JUST WANT ANSWERS. I want to be able to give birth to a child. I want a guy to love me for every part I am and get married someday. Sometimes though I feel like that's not going to happen because of how sick I am. I am trying to be the most positive I have ever been. I keep telling myself you'll get through this Amanda. It's going to be okay, but at times I just scream in my pillow, yell and cry to God.  The people in my life aren't being the most understanding. It's been hard and it's been the worst battle I have ever faced. I'm constantly ill, and fighting with everything in me to get through the day. Tonight  however my Grandmother said something to me and it struck me. Gave me an absolute sense of hope. Her husband, my grandfather John McMahon had colon cancer. He suffered for one year and then he left us on my Birthday in 2002. She told me that he felt the same way I do now. Even though I don't have cancer ( I might who knows). I feel like he is with me through this. I feel like he can relate to me because he knows what it means to suffer. He knows what it means to feel pain,  He knows what it means to be angry at God. He gets me and now I believe I understand why he enters my dreams sometimes. He chooses the days sometimes. Sometimes he comes once a year or once every few months but it's always encouraging. I wake up feeling so refreshed. I believe it is my Grandfather who is telling me I'm going to be okay. Who is giving me a hug from heaven and telling me that he is with me. I haven't dreamed about him in a long time but what I love about him most is that he comes right when I need him. Ya know what else? I admire him more than anyone because he did the best he could and he fought like no other. Because of him and what he taught me while I was six years old and I watched him lay in bed skin and bones. I am going to fight like him. I am going to fight for him because I know that's what he would want. He wouldn't want me to give up and become angry. He'd want me to take this head on and turn it into something better for myself. So honestly whatever else is wrong with me. I am making a promise to God, My Grandfather and anyone else that you best believe I am going to turn it all around and make it into something beautiful. Even though I suffer, even though there are days I am barely hanging on like today. I truly believe and understand that God has a plan for my life. A tremendous plan that I don't understand right now at the moment. I might get angry at him daily and ask why me? But I just know deep down that I am a special human being and that I will make something of all of this. I'm going to continue to fight like a girl and fight the way my Grandfather fought. I may be going through Poison right now, but I just gotta keep remembering to get better and to gain something sometimes you have to pull through the Poison. God bless.

Religion ...or Relationship...

For the past few years I have debated whether believing in God is really a Religion. People ask me all the time oh your Religious? At times I don't know what to answer. I always say to myself do I really have a Religion. I did some soul searching for the past few months recently and have found that I do NOT have a Religion but rather a Relationship. Let me help you understand a little bit. We have many Religions in the world but one of the most popular ones is Catholic. Let me help you understand the difference. I consider myself non- denominational. Meaning that I do not believe in rules or following some sort of "way" into heaven. Catholic's have some beliefs similar to mine. We both believe in God, we both believe Jesus is real and we both believe in a relationship and in the Bible. However, there are things we don't believe the same. I don't believe that I have go to confession . I believe in personally talking to God about my problems...not a priest behind a screen. I also don't believe in how the church services are done and all of the rituals that follow. I don't believe in baptizing children as infants I believe in baby dedications..meaning bringing up a baby to a pastor during the church service and having the baby prayed for. I believe Baptism's should be a personal choice and when the person should feel it's time when there salvation is secure. I don't believe my child has to go through CCD to learn all about God and who he is.. For me personally I believe all of those things not just with the Catholic religion but with every other religion it leaves you wanting more or the hunger for more in the world. For me a relationship is about loving God and praying to him, seeking him, trusting him. Loving others and not having to go to church every Sunday. Not having to go to certain classes or get confirmed. I believe to be confirmed to Jesus not in a church. There are differences. No I do not believe that Catholic's are terrible people and no I am not telling anyone there religion is bad or they shouldn't believe because I think everyone should be entitled to believe in what they want and what keeps them happy. All I know is Religion does nothing for me. I think once people grow up in a Religion and find out they hate church and what goes on inside of it they begin to think all churches are like that. But they are not, you have to find one that works for you and what you like. Regardless of who has a Religion and who doesn't it shouldn't divide us as a nation. We are all humans and regardless of if you have a Religion or you don't have one. What matters in this life is how you help people, how you serve, respect and treat people. Who you carry yourself as a person. Regardless of what Religion you are, what I care about is how nice you treat me. You treat me nice with love and respect I will do the same for you. That's the beauty of growing up in America. You can be and believe in anything you want to. God bless you all!

Living With UCTD, Bipolar, Anxiety and Fibromyalgia.

Finding out I have multiple medical issues was really hard for me to hear. I didn't want to hear it, I ignored it for years. I found out I had Bipolar and Anxiety when I was 15. At first my psychiatrist thought it was just depression but we later found out after 3 years of suffering that It was indeed Bipolar. Hearing those words broke me. I thought how am I ever going to be able to get over this and get better. How is anyone going to want to date me, they might think I'm crazy. I actually started to loose friends because people just couldn't deal with my ups and downs. Which is completely understandable. I recently got diagnosed with UCTD which is "Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease". It is an autoimmune disease where my immune system attacks my tissues, organs and body in general. It is a real and hard thing to live with. I also got diagnosed recently with .Fibromyalgia that has been a hard thing to deal with as well. Going through this has been very difficult. I've been suffering for years. I just did not do anything about it. I ignored the symptoms. Everyday I feel sick. I wake up and I'm in so much pain I have trouble getting dressed. So now I basically go to work with my hair up, no makeup and just throw on clothes and brush my teeth. I get nauseous daily and sometimes at night. To the point where I will wake up out of a deep sleep and get a bag and sit up for an hour. I can barely walk anymore without my legs going numb or without pain whenever I walk. It is a struggle for me. My lungs don't function properly especially on top of my asthma. My anxiety attacks daily especially with driving has been hard. I have trouble driving anywhere new where I need my GPS. I also have anxiety whenever I'm out with friends. I don't know how I make it everyday. Now my doctors think I have another diagnosis which is MS ( Multiple Sclerosis). I don't know If I do that's why I'm going to a doctor to check. My rheumatologist thinks it is a possibility. Probably one of the hardest parts of this whole suffering thing is that people have not been compassionate towards me. Instead people keep telling me my doctors just want my money, I don't have this or that. It's all in my head. Just exercise and it will go away. That has been hard to hear because people especially my family DO NOT understand what I go through. They NEVER WILL. There also not doctors so they have no authority to make opinions or assumptions.


Through it all though, through the ups and downs and the days where I feel I can't get up. Somehow I find hope and strength. I pray daily and ask God to get me through. I remind myself that it's okay to take a day and relax. I remind myself it's okay not to go out one night when I feel like my week was hard and I don't feel good. I remind myself I am human and that I make mistakes. I remind myself I have a huge heart and that I can get through anything. I remind myself God is using me to do good in this world. I remind myself that this just a bump in the road. I remind myself that I can be a light to other people suffering.


Through this I have learned that I am a strong, beautiful woman. I have learned who my true friends are and the family I still want to keep in contact with. I appreciate the people who have been nothing but a support and love. I love you all so much .

If you are struggling or living with a disease I promise you, that you can get through it. You can fight. I fight everyday and yes it's hard but I will NOT give up. I am determined to have a great life and I will never let this be a set back. I will enjoy my life and I am determined to love who I am. I also couldn't get through this without God. He has been my light and has given me strength.

As I make more appointments and go to a new doctor to possibly check for MS. I ask for prayer in hopes I don't have it.  Thank you everyone. I love you all.

Being The "Bigger" Girl.

Growing up I was always the "Bigger Girl". Ever since I could remember. Probably around Kindergarten is when I started to gain weight. I was put on lots of medication and steroids for my lungs. That in itself made me blow up like a balloon. At a young age I was bullied for my weight. There was one boy who tortured me and who made me feel like I was a complete loser. I remember just laying in my bed at night hoping that I'd grow a little taller so my weight would even out. However, that never happened. I kept gaining weight. My medication, eating habits and lack of exercise I just kept putting on the pounds. I eventually became unhappy with myself. Middle school was one of the most difficult times in my life. That is when I started having crushes on boys and started feeling alone. Only because my friends were so beautiful and small . Guys loved them and I always wondered what was wrong with me. Although at the time I didn't realize that middle school your not really supposed to be in a serious relationship yet haha. In high school I still felt alone. I was bullied in 9th grade for my weight. I remember falling going up the stairs and these boys laughed at me. But little did they know I had a bad morning and wasn't living at home. I had to come to school that day and wipe my tears it was awful. Just to add them laughing at me made my day even worse. I guess over the next few years I just continued to feel ugly. I felt ugly because guys just were never really interested. My  friends started getting serious boyfriends and I was left in the dark. Guys would never want to get to know me. Guys would never be interested and it was because of my appearance. When I looked in the mirror though all I saw was beautiful. So I couldn't understand why other men weren't seeing the same thing. High school was difficult and I will be honest with you all. I've still never had a serious boyfriend. I have tried dating websites and everything in between. None of it has worked. I am very picky but that is only because I feel I deserve the best. In all honesty though right now in my life. I feel like I love myself. Being the bigger girl is hard though. People always tell you that you should loose weight or not wear this and that.  I figured out I can wear those tight pants if I want. If I want to show a little skin I can show it. I am proud to be who I am. I think I am one of the most amazing people in the world. I always put everyone before me and I always try and love everybody. I figured out that if people do not see that in me or they judge me based on my weight. I have figured out that they don't deserve what a beautiful person I am. Being the bigger girl has had it's bad moments. Being bullied by men has been very hard. But through it all I have learned to never judge anyone for there weight. I have learned to love other people and treat them the way they deserve. I have learned to enjoy life and embrace who I am. I don't need to change for anybody. ANY GUY who doesn't see the beauty in me does not deserve me. If you are the bigger girl I encourage you to love yourself. People will always try and tell you things that discourage you and make you feel less than you are. You have to remember though that you are a Queen . Flaunt who you are and never loose sight of your innocence. I probably will always be the bigger girl. However, I am proud of that. Not because I am overweight, but because I have learned to love who I am. I know I'll eventually find a guy who loves me for me. Until then I will keep loving who I am and helping others. I wouldn't change being the bigger girl for the world.

How Having Little Has Taught Me So Much

As a little girl I didn't grow up with a lot of money. I never had the new barbie that came out or the brand new shoes. I never got the chance to go on an amazing vacation somewhere far. Our idea of a great vacation was going somewhere cheap like Knoebals ( Which I still love it to this day). We never had the newest Tv or a brand new car. We never got the chance to go out to eat as much. We spent lots of  our time shopping at Aldi's, Thrift Stores and Dollar stores. I did not grow up with much but I am forever grateful I didn't. I grew up learning I had to work for things. My parents supported me until I got to a certain age. Then I found a job and started buying things on my own. I saved up all of my money to buy a car. No the car is not ideal but it gets me to point A and B. I learned to respect people who work hard. I learned to fight my own battles. I learned that this world is cruel but being a good person get's you places. Honestly I feel like If I grew up with expensive things and had a luxurious life I would not be the sweet person I am today. I'm the kind of person who would give the shirt off of my back to a homeless person. I am the kind of person who would adopt another person's child if they abandoned them. I'm the kind of person who wants to try and make the world a better place. If I grew up where I could just ask my parents for any amount of money I truly feel, like I would not understand how other people live. There are people out there who have no money to survive. When there's rich people who take there lives completely for granted. I know what it's like to go through some really difficult times. There are families out there struggling every single day. I always try and put myself in there shoes. I will never look down on someone for working at Mcdonald's. There are reasons why that person is working there. Maybe they have a learning disability and no other job will hire them. Maybe they have a criminal past but nobody will hire them even though they changed. A job is a job and yes there children are not going to grow up with the best things in life. But sometimes the best things in life aren't things. They are people. I hope to raise my children the same way my family raised me.  My children will learn to work for things. They will learn to always treat others with respect. They will learn the true value of being a good person. Having little has taught me to show love to everyone. Having little has taught me that maybe money is truly the route of all evil. Having little has taught me to appreciate every single thing around me . I will never stop preaching that MONEY means nothing. What matters is how you use the tools you are given in life to make your own life better.