Going Through Poison.

All of my life I have gone through what I like to call Poison. Ever since I was a little girl I have been extremely unhealthy.   My mom had to endure a terrible pregnancy and I almost did not make it. I did not walk until I was 18 months. I got RSV which is an infection in the lungs when I was 2 years old. I had to be hospitalized and be put in a Oxygen tent. I was off an on sick my whole life with Asthma. I got lots of different tests done from Children's Hospital and St. Christopher's . My mom always knew my whole life that something was up but doctors just kept giving her the same answer NO. When I was in Elementary school I began having balance issues and leg pain. Went to doctor after doctor.. I just kept getting that I'm fine. When I reached middle school about 12 years old I began having Psychiatric issues and really started to suffer. My brain wasn't working the way it was supposed to. I wasn't succeeding in my classes and I was suffering. 6th-8th and 9th grade I went into treatment to get some help. After 9th grade my mom put me in a Cyber school.. It was the only way I could function and not be sick all the time. I was in remission from my Asthma, I still felt bad but not as bad as a I did before in other years.  I graduated and found rest...even though I was still suffering . It was a manageable suffering. Here I am years later at the age of 22 and It is no longer manageable. I have been through lots of ER trips. Lots of x rays , blood tests..you name it I've been through it. A year ago I finally received a diagnoses of a Connective Tissue disease. I got  put on my medication right away. A year later I am at the worst I have ever been. I have taken off of work so much because of how sick I have been. There has been 2 ER trips so far in the past 3 weeks. Not even counting 3 Urgent Care trips.  My lungs are giving up on me which now is requiring me to go see a Lung doctor. I am currently seeing a Neurologist for the possibility of having MS or another disorder. I am getting three MRI's in a matter of three hours this Saturday. The list has not even ended what might come next. I have been suicidal, exhausted and in extreme pain. At times I just want to throw in the towel and give up on my life. I JUST WANT ANSWERS. I want to be able to give birth to a child. I want a guy to love me for every part I am and get married someday. Sometimes though I feel like that's not going to happen because of how sick I am. I am trying to be the most positive I have ever been. I keep telling myself you'll get through this Amanda. It's going to be okay, but at times I just scream in my pillow, yell and cry to God.  The people in my life aren't being the most understanding. It's been hard and it's been the worst battle I have ever faced. I'm constantly ill, and fighting with everything in me to get through the day. Tonight  however my Grandmother said something to me and it struck me. Gave me an absolute sense of hope. Her husband, my grandfather John McMahon had colon cancer. He suffered for one year and then he left us on my Birthday in 2002. She told me that he felt the same way I do now. Even though I don't have cancer ( I might who knows). I feel like he is with me through this. I feel like he can relate to me because he knows what it means to suffer. He knows what it means to feel pain,  He knows what it means to be angry at God. He gets me and now I believe I understand why he enters my dreams sometimes. He chooses the days sometimes. Sometimes he comes once a year or once every few months but it's always encouraging. I wake up feeling so refreshed. I believe it is my Grandfather who is telling me I'm going to be okay. Who is giving me a hug from heaven and telling me that he is with me. I haven't dreamed about him in a long time but what I love about him most is that he comes right when I need him. Ya know what else? I admire him more than anyone because he did the best he could and he fought like no other. Because of him and what he taught me while I was six years old and I watched him lay in bed skin and bones. I am going to fight like him. I am going to fight for him because I know that's what he would want. He wouldn't want me to give up and become angry. He'd want me to take this head on and turn it into something better for myself. So honestly whatever else is wrong with me. I am making a promise to God, My Grandfather and anyone else that you best believe I am going to turn it all around and make it into something beautiful. Even though I suffer, even though there are days I am barely hanging on like today. I truly believe and understand that God has a plan for my life. A tremendous plan that I don't understand right now at the moment. I might get angry at him daily and ask why me? But I just know deep down that I am a special human being and that I will make something of all of this. I'm going to continue to fight like a girl and fight the way my Grandfather fought. I may be going through Poison right now, but I just gotta keep remembering to get better and to gain something sometimes you have to pull through the Poison. God bless.