I Am Courageous.

Having Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease as well as Fibromyalgia and possibly Hypothyroidism( not sure yet). has been so damn difficult. At times I want to scream, at times I just don't wanna get out of bed but I fight every single day. I am going to give you the low down on what UCTD is. Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease, is an autoimmune disease. Much like Lupus ..The only difference is instead of my immune system attacking my organs..it attacks my Tissues in my body. Causes me to be in extreme pain everyday, feel tired and basically depressed. It kind of has symptoms of a bunch of different autoimmune diseases in one.  With  my Fibromyalgia it's just an all over stiff pain. I  also found out recently I have degenerative changes to my spine and a few bulging discs so that also doesn't lessen any of my pain. Living with UCTD is so hard, each day is a battle . Some days you feel great and others you feel so sick you can't move. Friends don't understand, family doesn't understand..it's a hard situation but it has for sure taught me a lot. I started to have symptoms when I was 12 years old..in 6th grade. I had no idea that it was the reason I became suicidal. I ignored all of my symptoms until it lead me to want to end my life. I HAD to go to school everyday and that was extremely difficult. Teachers thought I would never graduate or ever work in the real world. I was late to school a lot..wasn't passing my classes. I was trying to balance everything but I ended up loosing my mind and entering in a treatment center. Years later I finally got diagnosed. For the doctors at Penn I am forever grateful. I saw doctor after doctor and psychiatrist after psychiatrist and none of them could figure it out until I finally went to Penn Medicine. I still have depression issues today and newly developed anxiety that has become pretty serious nowadays. But  I am telling you all this to give you some hope. In today's evil world we need all the hope we can get and I hope my story of trial will help you reach you gain some faith in yourself. Every day I try not to focus on the fact that I'm sick. I try and focus on the love and the hope there is for my life . I get my strength from God and I get my hope at my job when I see my work kids faces everyday and how happy they are to see me. Some days at the end of the day like yesterday I could barely walk from my car to my house. I threw my stuff down took a bunch of ibuprofen..got in the shower and then went to bed. It was the worst pain I felt in forever. What having UCTD has taught me though is how strong I am and how I can get through anything. I have been through many difficult situations in my life and somehow someway I come out of them okay. I know as of right now there is no cure for this disease. But I know that I can manage this and I can work on being positive. One of the biggest emotions I have been having trouble beating is anger. I have lots of anger towards how I can watch other people go to college and get great jobs, find amazing boyfriends,  the kind of people who have just always naturally succeeded..and I've just never had that opportunity. But deep down inside I know that God has my back and he can fight off  evil. I stand tall everyday just by waking up at 5:30 am in the morning. I stand tall everyday by putting on my shoes and socks. I stand tall everyday by giving my job everything I have even if I am so incredibly exhausted. It's not easy but every body has a purpose in life and I know exactly what mine is. Which is to help others become the best version of themselves. I may not be at the best part of my life or where I want to be. But I have complete Faith and Strength. I have courage and I will not let this tear me apart if anything I will let God use me for good. If you are struggling with something in your life, always remember that even when you feel like you can't go another day there is a purpose for the next chapter. God needs to use you in somehow someway. God bless.