Relationships In Today's World.

Relationships today are not what they used to be. People do not  go on dates anymore, People do not respect each other. People talk and meet on Facebook,dating apps and onTwitter. Years ago dating used to be sweet and simple. Men used to hold doors open for woman. More people went to Church and had beliefs in Jesus. There was no phones or social media. Men had to actually have the courage to ask a woman out face to face. Men had to actually come to the door when picking up there dates. Today isn't like that at all. Now you have random guys messaging girls on Facebook. Men are using woman for the wrong reasons. Woman are throwing themselves at Men because they have no self worth or self esteem. Cheating is involved now. Relationships are just so unhealthy. I wish we could turn back time to the good old days. For me, I still like traditions. I have an old soul I like to call it. I am into the old fashioned ways. Old fashioned dates, beliefs, clothes and life before phones. I think in order for relationships to stop being so toxic. We have to bring back some of the old dating ways and old customs we as American's used to have. Dating needs to return to what it was supposed to be. Sweet, Generous, Innocent and Kind. I pray one day we will return to that or I at least find a guy who thinks the same. God bless you all, I hope one day you find your soulmate. There is still hope out there..

Why I stand beside Online school

All throughout my school career I struggled. I dealt with anxiety, bullying and evil teachers. I found public school to be a place where I didn't belong. I dreaded coming to school and used to come up with every excuse not to go. I tried putting a thermometer under hot water. I went to the nurse almost every single day . Eventually I began crying in class, had no friends and felt completely alone. Teachers began to make me feel like I was a loser, and that I was never going to amount to anything only because I was different. My mom did something amazing and found a school called Pennsylvania Leadership Charter School. It is an online school ranging from grades K-12. I started in 10th grade and while I was scared and nervous, everything worked out. I ended up loving it! I attended prom and graduation. I don't regret leaving public school. I loved my online school and thought it was one of the best things to ever walk into my life. Pennsylvania Leadership Charter School has a performance art center ( music , art and dance). It also has chances to travel the world with your classmates, go on field trips, attend prom and graduation. It has a University Scholars Program and a program where you can take actual courses that count towards credits for college. Online school is not horrible like everyone thinks. You know what I think is horrible? Sending your child to a school full of bully's, drugs, alcohol and teachers who only work for the money. Not to mention a school that is dirty and unsafe. Also, a school where a child only get's 30 minutes of outdoor play. A school where a child doesn't get to be a child. That is not what I want for my future children. There is so much to think about in life but I have no doubt that I made the right choice. I will never let anyone change my mind about my school and I will forever stand by online school.

The Way "Church" Taught Me To Judge

So for the past few years friends and family have told me I have a "Judging" problem.. honestly I didn't see it until tonight when I wrote a status and offended many people. When I think about when my judging started I believe it started in Church. I began going to church as a little girl, Loved it and appreciated everything I learned. Honestly though, there are some things that I wish I didn't. Judging is one of them. I honestly don't even know where to begin or where to even start. I guess I'm going to start of with saying that since I was a little girl I learned how to judge. I learned that if somebody has tattoo's from head to toe to not talk to them. I learned that if somebody drinks or smokes weed...don't hangout with them. I learned that premarital sex is an incredible "sin" and should not be committed. I learned that watching "R" movies is bad. I learned that saying "curse" words is bad. I learned that going to a "bar" is bad. I learned that "Gay" marriage should "not" be allowed....Honestly when I think of all of these things is this real life? Is this what church has come to ? I quickly learned that I have taken on all of this and started doing it myself. Tonight made me realize I am a very messed up human being. Not because my heart is mean, but because I judge people on the way they act or dress, or there choices. I didn't realize that until I made a status on facebook and many people commented on it.. I thought they were all crazy at first until it hit me that I really do judge. Church has taught me a lot of great things that I will remember and love for the rest of my life. As of right now though I am walking away. I am not walking away from my relationship with Jesus but I am walking away from Church itself. It has done more bad then good for me.  I want to be able to be free and love everyone and be friends with the whole world. I feel like church holds me back from that. Recently I have learned people who smoke weed are fine. People do it because it helps them emotionally and physically. Recently I have learned that alcohol isn't bad and that drinking responsibly is normal. Recently I learned that almost everyone has premarital sex and that's okay. Sex is a normal response and if people want to have it its okay. As long as the people doing it are responsible about it, it's okay. I recently learned that going to a bar isn't bad because guess what? I went to one! SHOCKER . There's nothing wrong with going to a bar. You go with your friends, play pool, dance and order food. What's so bad about that? Recently I learned that curse words are just words. It's okay to say them, no they are not appropriate but I curse sometimes and guess what? GOD doesn't LOVE me any less. I recently learned that Gay marriage should be legal because it's there choice to be married and if there in love why would the Church want to take away love and happiness from anybody?.

What I have decided to do since this took a few hours of thinking is just step away from Church , read the Bible on my own and talk to God on my OWN and learn to love people for who they are and not what they've done or what they look like. Most importantly what I've learned though is that GOD LOVES EVERYONE who does all of these things. He loves them no matter what, he supports them and guides them and appreciates them because they are his children. Everybody deserves happiness and the right to make there own choices. I have decided today that I am going to stop judging, step away from the church and do my own soul searching within myself. Because it's exactly what I need to do.

My health right now,

So since the age of 12 years old I have had extreme pain in my legs. Whenever I would walk or run they would have a burning feeling. I thought nothing of it and that it was normal. Around that time I started to become depressed, extremely tired, had suicidal thoughts and just felt plain sick. As the years have gone on the pain has gotten worse. Now 3 years ago the numbness started to start but I didn't think to much of it. I put it out of my head. I kept this all to myself for so many years until I started a running faith based training bible study called Run For God. I really wanted to get through it , get healthy and start my journey to fitness. That wasn't easy I had to stop multiple times because of the pain. My running coach and friend stopped me and squeezed the back of my leg and said you need to go to the doctor. So I made an appointment, it took a few months to get in but once I did they told me it was because of the way I walk and how I don't walk straight...which would make sense but I knew something wasn't right especially with all of my other symptoms that developed over the years. So I saw Penn Medicine...The doctor there begins to tell me he thinks I have Exertional Compartment Syndrome which requires surgery..and I thought oh that's good they found something! Meanwhile my entire family and friends are telling me if I just walk more or eat better it will go away..So he had me see a specialist . So I saw one at Penn and he then began to say I don't think you have that I'm going to do an MRI. Well, the MRI came out to show I had shin splints, Edema, and inflammation in the soft tissues but it was all in the front of the leg..which is the part that doesn't hurt me. So my third appointment came and he recently recommended I see a Rheumatologist . My orthopedic ordered me blood work and sure enough it came back abnormal. My antibody's were so high that it could mean I have deep tissue damage..So was my inflammation. I was happy something came back  my doctor  began to think Lupus...But he tested the kinds of antibody's and that wasn't it. So right now we have no clue what I have.. I have a suspected Autoimmune disease. What I want everybody to understand right now is that what I'm dealing with is taking a huge drag on my shoulders. I can't tell you how scared I am because I know deep down inside of me something is not right. Yes I am overweight, and I know that. You don't have to tell me that EVERY single time I talk to you. Yes, I know it will help if I loose weight. But what none of you understand at all is that I know something is seriously wrong I feel it inside of my body. The doctors think something is wrong as well and they are doing everything they can to figure it out. I can't tell you how TIRED I am of going through this..and I'm TIRED of being told especially by my family that it's because I'm not " moving" enough or it's because I "eat" wrong. If I have an autoimmune disease you will ALWAYS have it no matter what you do. There is NOOOOOO cure. There is medication to HELP it and foods you can eat to REDUCE inflammation. But it will NEVER go away. I am so tired of people telling me the same thing over and over. It makes me feel worse and makes me angry especially because nobody even knows what there talking about. They are not a professional. What I am going through is unbearable and I cannot stand to be in pain anymore.. Let me tell you this.. Imagine being in Wildwood New Jersey Last Summer with friends and family wanting to have a good time. Walking that boardwalk feeling the INCREDIBLE amount of pain. But still continuing to go through with it because I need to get "healthy" as everybody's been telling me. After the boardwalk laying in bed, I cried myself to sleep. Ibuprofen did NOTHING and I took 4-5 pills. I couldn't even walk around the house and cried to who I was with about how much pain I was in. Coming home I couldn't even walk to the fridge to get a drink without walking funny or being in pain. It took me 5 days to recover! 5 DAYS.  Let me tell you another story, Try going to North Carolina and wanting to climb a lighthouse because I want to prove to myself I can DO IT and be like everybody else. Climbing up the stairs and then going numb for the waist all the way down to my feet. Not being able to feel a thing and having to go down because of the feeling I was going to fall or not be able to make it up anymore. I couldn't feel a thing and wabbled all the way down to the bottom and cried.  Try being nauseous at night and not sure if your going to throw up and keeping a bag next to you to help. Try having stomach issues, Try getting lung sicknesses at least 6 times a year. Try having a itchy rash that appears out of nowhere. Have tingling in my feet. Try not being able to shave my legs that well because if I lift one leg up the other one on the bottom goes numb. Try collapsing in your bed cause you just can't take it. Try waking up in the morning feeling like you can't go another day because your so TIRED and you don't know why because you go enough sleep. Try hurting all over to the point of where I can't get up. Try waking up in the middle of the night shaking hysterically and having to run to the bathroom to run my hands under extremely burning hot water or having to take a how shower. NOBODY knows what I go through or how I feel so your opinion is irrelevant. I'm tired of all of you telling me its because of my weight, I KNOW there is a MEDICAL problem going on. I can't tell you how scared I am. But I know in my heart there going to find something and that I have to be prepared for whatever it is. God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle and I know that. But I just want you all to understand that this is not easy and I am fighting a daily battle. I just want to feel better. My next appointment is October 10th in the city, please pray for me and my health. I just want this to stop and be over. I just want to feel normal and better. I want to feel pain free. I want my family to love me, instead of making me feel like it's my fault I'm sick. Pray, is all I ask.

My future love story and the dream for my life .

I hope to be married by the age of 30 to the love of my life. I hope to be a mommy, live in my own house or apartment steady in life with a good job. I have many hopes and dreams I wish to accomplish, some of them at times I think I'm not going to achieve them. I keep hope though and just try my best. I just want to be married to my best friend. Someone I can come home to at the end of the day, and if I've had a bad day I can talk to him about it. I want someone I can laugh with but someone who I can be serious with at times. I want someone who will go to church with me, who loves God and I just want him to be supportive of me and my life. But most importantly, I want someone who will be a great dad to our kids. I want him to be really good friends with my family also. Many people say that's fairytale stuff, not many people believe in love or that marriage works out anymore, but I believe love exists. If it didn't we wouldn't look at our parents or in children's eyes and feel so strongly about them and we wouldn't care about those around us. I believe people get a divorce either because they give up on each other and choose not to workout there issues. Or simply because they just weren't meant to be and were not soulmates. My dream for my life is that I just want to be happy. I don't care how much money I'll make or what kind of house I'll live in. I just want to grow with my future family, teach my kids about the importance of life and I want to love God the way I want to with the love of my life. Many people look at future salaries like it's the number one concern. I just wanna be happy, if that means making 14.00 an hour and my kids are taken care of that's okay with me I'll just work more hours. Happiness does not happen based on how much money you have, it is based on who you are surrounded by. I already have a great family, so you add a great guy and my future children I will feel even more loved. Feeling loved by those close to you equals happiness. So yes I have many dreams, I aspire to be a famous musician, a vocal coach, a mommy, a wife, a homeowner and successful. But whatever kind of life and whoever God brings into my life I will accept. I am trusting in his plan for me, and his peace. I will continue to work hard and strive to be better and let the rest of my life fall into places it is meant to be.

The Right Guy

So many young woman today go for just ANY guy. They don't care if he's a bad boy or a cheater.  For me I look for certain qualities in someone. It's not so much about his appearance to me but his attitude and how he carries himself. So many guys today do not respect woman bottom line. They either want them for sex, or brag about them to there friends and dump them after a night of hooking up. It's sad..we have lost our gentlemen. However, I do believe there are good guys out there and that they do exist. My church is full of great, respectful young men. It's just sad woman today are going for the wrong guys. I'll be honest I almost fell for the trap of "wrong guys" multiple times. You just get lonely and feel like none of the good guys want you so you just go for the next available target. Sometimes that next available target isn't so good and in the end you get used. So instead of keeping my guard up on the kind of guy I want I am going to change it. Instead of thinking of the type of appearance I want him to be or the interests I want him to have I'm going to let that go. The kind of guy I want just has to have a relationship with God. He has to just be respectful to me and my family. That is all I care about. Two things are what I want in a guy. It's simple and I pray he comes but so far I haven't met him. I've met men that do not care about woman's feelings and so many of my friends are falling into the trap of just choosing the next best thing because there lonely, and want to feel loved by somebody. I pray for all the guys out there that are using woman for the wrong reasons. Who are inappropriate, disrespectful. I also pray for all of the woman who have to deal with men like that or who fall in love with a guy who doesn't show he cares. We have all been there in places like that. I believe there is a light at the end when it comes to relationships. I truly believe everybody finds the love of there life. If they divorce then they weren't soulmates. True love is real, God created it. I will find my guy and so will all of you ladies. Just respect yourself, stay true to who you are and be yourself. Never change for anyone unless there positive changes to your life. I will never stop praying for my generation. God knows how much I want it to change. 

God bless.!

How Church Should Be In 2016.

Ahh the good old Church. When other people think of church people think of a scary building full of weird people who lie. When I look at church I look at opportunity, love and grace. However, for me it depends on the type of church. I am not into churches who create there own rules. Some churches believe girls should wear skirts, other churches believe in speaking in tongues. We have churches who believe in confession and sometimes that being a good person get's you to heaven. While we have other churches that believe only a certain number of people go to heaven. Here are my beliefs and what happened when I stepped into a different kind of church. Hillsong is a huge branch. They have churches everywhere in fact one very close to me in New York City. I have been to churches before. Some that were boring, others that made me feel uncomfortable. However, Hillsong is different. When you walk in you feel the love. There are young people everywhere you turn and the volunteers are so nice. The service is even better, The messages are clear. The pastors make the messages to where you can understand them and it is not boring. The singers and the musicians bring a whole life to the church. There are so many great things happening there. Hillsong doesn't care if you have tattoo's, piercings. If you are gay or a lesbian. They don't care if your a drug addict or schizophrenic. They absolutely accept you for who you are. YES God is what makes the church but he also gives people the gifts to run them. A  church I have visited before I'm not saying the name has different views then I do and many people that are young my age ( 20) find it very boring. Ask any one I know who have been there  they will tell you they fall asleep listening to the pastor speak. There are some old traditions and it is just not for me. I believe church was boring years ago, but I believe it's not meant to be boring now. We are in 2016 experiencing a whole new world we got a lot of evil in it. The only way to get it out is to show people the Gospel. Some churches today are ruining the gospel. Pastors are turning the lectures into classrooms and people in the church are telling Gay people they are going to hell. I don't view life that way and I don't believe that is how a church should be. We have people today that have no desire to sit and listen to a Pastor. However, if we change the way a Pastor speaks, if we make it interesting and introduce more love maybe somebody will actually listen. I'm tired of the same old thing. Every year the world changes, we have to change along with the world. Stick to the same values the Bible speaks about but make church so interesting that somebody can be drunk and still get the message. I believe it's important to change the traditions of the church, to make it new and more bright. I believe it's time we stop judging others based on there choices but to love everybody. I also believe we need to make church more like a gathering and a place of love, then a place of judgement and lectures.  Hillsong is doing everything right, they are changing the world. and I'm sure there are other churches that are changing the world as well. Church needs to grow with the people and the world.

I pray and hope all of you find a church out there you love. Bottom line is, if you can understand the pastor and your not falling asleep during the sermon you are where you need to be. It's all about preference. I have formed my beliefs and have attended many churches to find the kind of style I like. You should do the same, if you have been to a church you don't like please realize not all are like that. Every church has there beliefs or things they are accustomed to or have followed for decades. Praying for you always. Any prayer requests you can message me or email me. God bless you.

How I view helping other people.

I use to wonder why no one ever loved me quite as hard as I loved them. I wondered why I always went out of the way for people 100% more than they would ever do for me. I’d think to myself. Why are people so less than? But it is not that they are less than. I am just entirely more than. Some of us were born this way. We love so  hard. We help so damn much. We work so damn hard. We feel too damn much. But as I matured I realized.. it is a blessing and a gift to do things and feel things that other people don’t. If we don’t go out of our way to make people smile who will? If we don’t show people that it doesn’t hurt to help and try to save the world who will? So many people benefit from good deeds and smiles that we don’t notice. Don’t ever stop being more than because it is hard. Know that we know & we appreciate it, even if nobody says a word.

—  Andy Insanity

That quote speaks volumes to me, I always wonder why I do so much for people. I'm always trying to help addicts recover, or help someone in trouble. I'm always texting everyone asking them if there okay even if I get no response. I always feel other people's emotions and bring it on to myself. I try to do so much because I want to be God's hands and feet here on earth, I want to reach people that feel like they are not cared for. However, sometimes I just want someone to do the same for me? Not many people like or read my status's on facebook. Not many people ask me how I'm doing or give me advice. Not many people try to make my birthday special or pay for me when I go out to dinner with someone. It's always me paying for them. It get's so exhausting. There are days where I try and say nope I'm not helping them they can figure out there own life. But then I feel selfish and get all upset because I feel like well who else is going to save them? I learned through God and through trying to understand my relationship with him and who God is that even if nobody does the same things back that you do for them your doing God's work and your doing what most people wouldn't deal with. I'm proud that I try to help people and put others before myself but sometimes I think I have to stop and take a deep breath and work on myself. I still have lots of issues to fix. I have depression, anger issues. I have mood swings and I need to figure out my life. But in the end I feel like I'm going to be okay. So even if I have things to work on or I feel like I should stop helping people or stop trying, I'm not going to. God has given me a precious calling and I will not stop. If he's given me something to go for and to love and appreciate I will do that. If he's using me because other people won't put aside there selfish thoughts I will continue to help others. I don't care if your an addict, homeless, angry or have serious underlying issues. I will help you. If you don't want to hear about God or think I pressure him to much just tell me. I will do whatever I can to make sure you are okay. Everybody deserves a chance and while I receive zero of the same help I give to others I will still continue to help, serve , do God's work. Be who I am and work on myself in the process. I admit I have flaws and everyday is a process to fix them but nobody is perfect. I encourage you to help someone this week, whether it be giving someone change, buying someone a meal, or even just giving someone a hug. Do something nice because you would want the same thing done for you.

God bless you in everything you do

Sincerely, Amanda<3.

William Penn Middle School( the hardest years of my life, but the sweetest memories).

The middle school years were tough. First time  I ever had a "boyfriend". First time I tried alcohol. First time friends betrayed me. First time I found music to be my outlet. First time I experienced sadness. First time I felt alone....

I went through many different emotions in middle school. It was really difficult and a hard time in my life but I couldn't have gotten through those years without William Penn Middle School. Without that school I wouldn't be who I am today. 6th grade was the hardest I think. It was the year I found out I really didn't have friends. It was the year I learned about popularity and that I was the outcast. It was the year I learned I had a learning disability. It was also the year I fell into a deep depression and planned to end my life. Without the teachers and faculty they had I don't know where I would be. 7th grade came and I finally had a great group of friends. We had every class together because we were in learning support classrooms. Despite the fact I had great friends.... Sometimes I felt misunderstood. Many of my friends or peers couldn't understand why I didn't have a locker ( like everyone else). Why I carried one binder ( when everyone else had one for each class). Why I cried daily  for sometimes no reason other then simply being depressed. Even though many people didn't understand, Some of my teachers did and I simply cannot thank them enough for there encouragement. ESPECIALLY ( Ms. Beam, Mr. Elder, Mr. Kealy) As well as my emotional support teacher ( I forget her name..which upsets me Haha). I just remember not wanting to go to school. Waking up each day just feeling like I didn't want to be alive. I was bullied many times for my weight so sometimes I wouldn't eat lunch because I was afraid of what people would say. I feared some of the teachers that I had at the beginning of the year ( before I went into learning support), They did not have a very nice heart. I knew that I was the talk of the town to them because I had (issues). But the support I had from my gym teachers made everything easier. Ms. Beam impacted my life in the kindest way. I'll never forget her guidance..She was the best role model I could have ever asked for. I enjoyed being in her gym class, Just to have somebody to talk to meant the world to me because at that point in time I had nobody..not even family I could trust. Gym was just one of those things I had anxiety about but she was right there to push me but to also show me it's okay.  Mr. Elder touched my life as well. He was never my gym teacher but he was my health teacher ... I was also football manager in 8th grade and he was the assistant coach. He taught me about life in general. He let me play his guitar at my school's talent show and he saw that I was talented, Which I felt like at the time nobody could see. His words taught me to never stop playing music and to continue to play and become a true musician which is exactly what I'm still trying to do. Mr. Kealy always saw the best in me no matter what anybody would say. He would be right there proud of me and that meant the world to me because in middle school, I thought nobody was proud of me. Having his support and the fact that he cared got me through those years and I'll forever remember him and appreciate him. Even though Middle School was hard and I battled with depression and anxiety attacks every day. I still made it and here I am graduated...going to go back to school for Music education. Working..officially out of therapy and working on myself and my health every single day. I'm honestly glad those years are over, but I wouldn't trade who I met in the world. Thankful. Blessed, Saved by grace and still fighting the battle years later. Thank you to everyone who's supported me and loved me from that school, especially to all the faculty. Love you all still to this day.

An Open Letter To The Person I thought I knew.

How dare you... How dare you.. How dare you.. is what I think every day when I look into your sad eyes. It is the anger built up inside of me after all of these years. It is the strength that it takes for me to deal with the person you are. It is the fear that  I have thinking that your not going to wake up tomorrow . It is what an amazing  heart I must  have for me to able to love you still after all you have done to me mentally and physically. I dread seeing you... I dread looking at your blood shot dilated eyes. I dread hearing you slur your words. I dread seeing you pale and thin. I dread looking at your uncleanliness. I dread your manipulation.. The " I love you's" When there not even real. I dread seeing you " nod out" but most importantly I dread YOU. I dread who you are but honestly who you have become. It's funny because it started with one simple drug and your whole world was changed. You went from a great person, to the devil in disguise. I don't hate you, I'm just angry with you and I want nothing more then for you to change your ways. I want to see you happy and full of life. If I'm to blame for your addiction I'm sorry but I will not let you use that as an excuse. You are not even you.. I don't know who you are. You lie to me, yell at me and give me anxiety whenever I'm around you. I don't want to get rid of you, I don't want to loose you but there is such a big part of me that just wants to leave you behind. I do not want to help or be any part of your life. However, then I remember that this is all not YOU. This is the DRUG that is running through your blood stream. This is the mental illness that LIVES inside of your brain and although I want to say I don't love you, Deep inside of me I will forever love you. I keep hope sometimes that you'll one day change and be the person I knew years ago but right now I am not so sure. So in order for me to stay sane I rely on Jesus and prayer and hope one day he can save you. Right now it looks like he's the only one who will. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you and every little part of who you once were. I hold onto those memories and keep them to my heart and cherish the days we were never apart. I know your soul is still there somewhere inside of you. I just pray I meet them again. Thank you though for making me never want to touch one drink or a drug. Thank you for making me strong and showing me how I should deal with people like you. Now I know what it's like to deal with evil. I wish nothing more for you to get better, I pray for hope, peace and a better year. But I also pray that one day all of the drugs in the world will be gone and we will finally be able to breathe and have comfort.


This wasn't to anyone in my life in general but I have a bunch of addicts around me in my life whether it's friends or family and this is what it's like. I took you into the mind of a sober person dealing with an addict in there life. It is difficult and I'm sure everyone can relate to this at some point in there life.

How Treatment Saved My Life

I didn't want to go to treatment. I was scared, lonely and afraid. When the counselor at school told me I needed to get help I thought why? I thought the way I was acting and who I was, was normal. When in fact it wasn't. What was going on in my head was difficult to comprehend. It was scary being twelve years old and having your mom come pick you up to get evaluated. Looking back I couldn't imagine the hurt she felt that day. You think as a parent your doing all of the right things until BOOM something happens and you have to reevaluate your parenting skills. My mom and dad gave it there best shot and it just didn't work out for me. Treatment was a scary place, I was outpatient so I got to go home at night. What I learned was very valuable to apply to my own life. I met some other students my age and even younger who had similar issues I had. Some of them had more difficult lives then me, but one thing I remember is that we all were there for each other in different ways. I remember the therapy was the most difficult, my dad never really came at first because I think it was too much for him to deal with at the time. My mom came and talking to her about my issues and what I felt we were not connecting on was very hard, especially watching tears come down her eyes. One of the most important things I learned in treatment is that it is okay to show your emotions and it is okay to cry. So I just began the process of putting my feelings on the table and handing it over to God. I said okay God whatever you have planned for me let it shine through. After going into treatment three times I finally found myself. I was in therapy for years afterwards but what I got out of those difficult times was strength. I had to be VERY strong and really take the time to work on myself. To be honest even though I might feel better and be better as a person.. I still struggle very much. Some days I yell at my mom and say mean things. Some nights I cry myself to sleep...Some days I just don't want to get out of bed. However, I feel that God has a purpose for all of this. I have had a really hard time letting him into my life and staying true to his word. But I really try and I want to try it just is hard to because of the world we live in and what I'm surrounded by. I honestly can say though I am very proud of myself for overcoming what I have. I've been through a lot of hard times and to be where I am today it's a miracle. I must say though, people think I have to be perfect. But I'm not going to be. I'm going to have bad days and good days..I fight that's who I am and I'm not going to give up. After treatment is the hard work and I've been out of treatment and out of counseling for five years...I'm just glad to be alive and I am thankful for everyone who supported and loved me through the difficult process of finding..half of who I am.. I still have yet to discover the other half but that will come with time and plenty of work. God's grace has been very sufficient for me. Without him I don't know where I would be.