How I want a Guy to View Me

I'm going to be honest. Trying to get a guy to accept me is hard. I'm a bigger girl and I don't look like the average girl. I'm very different in my appearance. Finding a boyfriend has been a big struggle for me. I'm not actively looking by any means. But Guys usually are just never interested in me. A lot of guys end up viewing me as there "sister". Which honestly, That hurts a lot. Who wants to be in the friend zone? NOBODY. It is the worst feeling because you see all of these qualities you like in someone but they look at you as family and that's super hard. For me a Guy doesn't have to have anything special. What I see that is special is somebody who's driven, Who's got a job and a car and somebody who has the same interest's as me. Hygiene is important. But besides those things I could careless what he looks like. Of course there are guys that I'm attracted to but there usually the guys that will break my heart If I fall for them. The thing is, Guys all want the same thing. Brunette, Blonde, Red Head. Straight teeth, Skinny or Curvy and Great Personality. Yes there are girls that I'm completely jealous of. Because they could get any guy they want. But then I second guess myself. The person she's dating  or the guys that like her did they fall for her personality or did they fall for her looks ?  As a bigger girl I get that advantage. I get that advantage that okay, I may not look like all of the other girls. But If a guy falls for me, That means he looked at my heart instead of my outward appearance. That's what I want honestly. I don't want a guy to look at me and say "she's beautiful". I want a guy to talk to me and get to know me and then tell me I'm beautiful. I want a guy to see the good in my heart. I want a guy to see my heart as beautiful. I'll be praying for him and I'll be waiting for him. Whenever God decides to introduce him in my life, I'll be ready.  But to the girls who are struggling with this, YOU ARE A ONE OF A KIND GIRL. Just because your different doesn't mean you won't find love. There's true love out there for everybody. I truly believe that and I know it will come to each and everyone of us at the correct time. If your depressed because you can't find somebody to love you for you. Don't worry because there's a guy that's going to love EVERY inch of you and no matter what you look like you'll find him. Those guys that look at you and don't accept your appearance. Do NOT deserve you. & Ya know what? Those guys that won't accept your appearance will be complaining later that there getting treated badly. So please don't feel bad. Learn to look inside of yourself and find beauty. & Pray that you will find somebody. Because God has somebody set aside for you and he has a long amazing journey set aside for you. I'll be praying for you <3. Peace, love , happiness.- Amanda

Gay Rights

I'm going to give you my honest opinion. Do I agree with gay rights ? No, I don't. But only because the bible says marriage should be between a man and a women. I honestly don't understand somebody being gay. It doesn't make sense to me and I'll never understand it because I'm not gay. But here's why I think Christian's are ignorant towards gay people. From doing my research on suicide. I have found out that a lot of people who have committed suicide have been found to have been gay. I think the reason why Gay people are killing themselves is because Christians are being judgmental and there not accepted. Everyone wants to be accepted. I want to be accepted for my weight but some people want to be accepted for being Gay. A Gay person has the right to feel accepted. They have the right to be happy and feel loved. But were not giving them that. I know Christians who are angry that countries are letting Gay marriage be allowed. Which yeah is it right? NO. It's not it's completely wrong. But at the same time we as Christians should accept there choices. We shouldn't judge who they are. The bible talks about how marriage is between a man and a women. But the bible also says not to judge people and that our job as Christians is to come with love. How can we come with love when were so judgmental? When we get angry because there passing marriage laws and churches are allowing gay marriage? It makes me really sad. Because the suicide numbers would go down if we just accepted these people. Hug them, Tell them you love them and go to there wedding and be there for the person. Just because the bible says no doesn't mean you have the right judge someone's marriage or judge someone who's gay. It's our job as Christians to show love. If we judge to much, Than we are just gonna draw people away from Christianity. It's our to job to show people God's love. God loves those who are gay. No matter what he loves them. So we have to love them like God loves them. If I had a child that was gay I would accept them no matter what. I'd go to there wedding, I'd treat there spouse as my own family. I would not disown my child or pound in there head that the bible says Marriage is Between a Man and a Women. I would never ever do that. Being a Christian is about having acceptance for other people. It is not our job to get angry over gay marriage laws. It is not our Job to judge somebody who's gay. It's God's Job. Let God take care of it. Our Job is to love one another and treat each other as family. If us Christians start accepting people who are gay instead of push them away. The suicide rate will go down and happiness will go up.

Daily Stress

Stress for me is daily. There's not a day where I'm not stressed. I know it's apart of life and stress is what happens. I can't control it at all, But I can only learn to deal with it. Stress comes from school, work , friends, boyfriend/girlfriend problems. Problems in the family and so much more. Stress makes you sick. It makes you feel awful. I get headaches, My stomach hurts, I get nauseous and I get so angry to the point where I just shut down and don't speak to anybody. My outlet is writing this blog but it's also playing my music, praying and just relaxing. There's days when I need to stay home. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and I want to be by myself for a day. Or there's days where I'd like to go out to dinner or go to a movie. It depends on my mood but you should always find something to relieve your stress. Your always going to have stress and your always going to have to deal with stressful situations. Your just going to have to find ways to deal with it. Go for a walk, Go for a drive, Go out with friends, Go to church, Or stay home and read a book. Whatever works for you. You choose:) I'll be praying for you.

Healing

Healing takes a lot of time. It takes years, It doesn't just happen overnight. It's a very long process. Honestly, I'm not healed yet. I'm not healed from all of my past and my anger and pain. But I'm working on it and each day I have to work on it. It's not easy trying to heal your heart and mind. Think of a glass that you shatter into pieces. Sometimes you can put it back together. But it all depends how much work you put in. & If you do end up putting the pieces back together. The brokenness will still be there but the glass will be repaired . It's just like your heart. Your heart may be shattered and broken. But with a little bit of work you can put the pieces back together. The memories will still be there for the past but your heart will be repaired and you'll be able to move on. A lot of bad things happen. Not everyone has a perfect life and everybody experiences pain.  I don't care who you are, There's always something that happens that affects you and changes you. What I went through changed me. The first time I changed I was making wrong decisions. I LOVED to sin. It was the best feeling in the world. I didn't feel gross, I felt happy and I thought I was filling a void. But when I found God I changed for the second time. But in a good way and the healing began. The first step to healing is finding The lord. You really have to know that you want him. You really have to do some research. Read your bible, Talk to your pastor, Get books about the bible like Ken Ham's book "Answers". If you really want to know God's real that's how your going to find him. The second step is praying to him. Praying is therapeutic . There's been times where I've wept to God and where I've been on my hands and knees praying to him. It helps so much and it helps you relax and get in a better state of mind. The third thing is to surround yourself with people who treat you well. Don't ever deal with being mistreated. Even if you only have one friend it's better than to have people who don't care in your life. The Fourth thing Is to reach out to others when your feeling down or upset. Never hold anything in. The Fifth thing is to find a hobby. Find something that takes your mind off of stuff. Whether it be running, playing your guitar, going to a park. Find something you love to do. The sixth thing is to write at night. Writing helps so much. Write about your life, Write about how you feel. There's so much more I can say but I hope these are helpful. Healing is a long process and yes, Times will be hard and those old memories will form when your bored. But always remember your loved and that those memories will go away again. I love you, I'm praying for you & I'm always here for you!

I'm ready

  I'm ready to help other people. With my degree  in Christian Counseling that I will get one day, I will be able to work in a church or a mental health facility or even open up my own business. Either way I'll be helping people. A lot of people have said to me , Well how are you going to be a counselor if your not 100 % right? To be honest I know I'll never be 100 % right. It's just not going to happen. I'm always going to have bipolar. I'll always have triggers. I'll always have episodes and I'll always be either happy or depressed. Having bipolar is normal for me. Yes it's hard. It's the hardest thing to go through but having Bipolar is not going to stop me from helping other people who are going through all of the things I went through. I understand what it's like to be angry. I understand what it's like to be really depressed, to be on medication, to have people in your life that don't understand. I get it all and that's why I think I'm perfect for this field. The purpose of this blog is so people can see what it's like to live with bipolar. A lot of people don't understand and I figured this is a perfect way for people to see that people with bipolar have futures and they are normal. They are just having a harder time than the regular person would. I have hope and faith that everything's going to be okay. I know it will, it's just going to take some time. Bipolar will not define me. I will define myself and I will never ever give up. I will always keep trying.

What my Grandmothers Mean To Me.

My Dad's mother's  name is Barbara and My Mom's mother's name is Cynthia. Both of my grandmothers mean the world to me. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have such beautiful, inspiring such strong women in my life. My Grandmom McMahon (Dad's mom) is amazing. Her light shines through to me and she not only shows me what it means to be a true Christian. But she shows me her love. Whenever I see her a big smile comes across my face because I know she'll always be there for me. There's times where she hasn't agreed on my choices but that's what families are for! To steer you in the right direction. She's one of the only people that know me and understand me. She is like my second mom and I am so blessed to be able to call her my grandmother. My Grandmom Stewart ( Mom's mom) Is such a blessing as well. She's seen me cry, she's seen me laugh and I love girls days with her. We usually go out to lunch and see a movie or go shopping . With her I know I'll always have a good time and I'll always be relieved because I know I can tell her anything and she'll give me her opinion on life. She has been through a lot and I respect her for overcoming life and beating it. She is not only my best friend but she's my grandmother. She's also like my second mom. I hope I can give them the world someday. If you have a grandmother that treats you well. Tell her you love her everytime you see her. Don't be afraid to give her a big hug because she appreciates it!

Drug Addicts Need Our Love

I just read an article on how it feels to be a drug addict and I must say it opened my eyes to a whole other world that I didn't even know existed. I knew drug addicts went through a lot but I didn't know how severe. My heart breaks for them. I have family members who have struggled with addiction and friends who have struggled with addiction. It's difficult and it's everywhere. Drugs are everywhere. Honestly at my young 18 years of age. I know where to get it because it's in my neighborhood. I also know who sells the drugs that are in my neighborhood.  I can go to there house and get it if I wanted to. But because I have no interest in drugs what's so ever I stay completely away.  Isn't that sad? I'm an 18 year old. Why on earth would I be in contact with people who sell drugs? But in honesty. There people I went to middle school with and high school and even elementary school. That's how I know who they are. Drugs are everywhere around me. I'll walk in a store and look at somebody and see track marks on there arms. What has this world come to? Like I've said in my past blogs this is the complete broken age. There is brokenness around me. That I cannot control. It's super difficult and the word Drugs hits people hard. It's not a comfortable subject for anybody, not even me. It's exhausting watching our family members and friends on drugs. It's so hard and it takes a lot out of us. Trying to love that person even when there hurting us and ruining our lives. But what I've learned is no matter what that person does. They need our love and our support. I'm not saying enable them by giving them money. I'm saying hug them when you see them. Tell the person you love them everyday. Give them some food and some water. And just sit and talk to that person. I know a drug addict might make you super angry. But don't hold onto that anger. Talk to somebody about it, Pray about it and don't focus all of your time on it. Just show your love to that person in need. To be honest it's hard for me. Am I angry at drug addicts? Yes I am because I think like why in the world are you hurting the people around you? But really there hurting inside. They don't mean to hurt family members and friends. There just suffering with depression. You see, I suffer from depression and it was very easy for me to get on drugs. I could've chose to start. But I didn't because I got help. I went to therapy, I went to treatment. I got the help I needed before I went down that route. Drug addicts suffer a long time with there pain and they never seek treatment. They seek drugs as there treatment. That's how it begins. Nowadays drug addicts can even get drugs from there doctor. Which is heartbreaking but it's been done. I'm going to ask you all to do something for me. If you have a drug addict in the family. Hug them when they walk in the door. Pray for them at night and read scripture for guidance. God always has a purpose and a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter what happens you are very strong for putting up with a drug addict in your life. But continue to stay strong because you never know, the person could turn there life around. There's hope out there. And if you are a drug addict yourself. There is help out there and people who love and support you. But only you can change yourself. Nobody can force you to go to treatment. You have to want happiness. Once you put that drug down, happiness will follow. It won't be easy and some days will be better than others. But you'll have the support along the way with your sobriety. Prayers for all of you. If you need prayer or you have a concern. Message me on facebook! Or email me! Have a good day!

What's been going on in my head lately.

I'm going to be completely honest. I've been drifting from God lately. I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to be doing as a Christian. I haven't been reading my bible or going to church or even acting like a Christian. I have like a wave of guilt over me because I know I've been hurting God. & To be honest I don't mean to. I try not to but it's just like this world and the way people live in this world just takes over me and then I just leave my Christian life behind. I mean obviously I don't drink or do anything like that. It's just more like neglecting God and making mistakes. I know were all sinners and were all not supposed to be perfect. But I've completely left God. That's why I haven't written in a couple of days because I've been doing wrong and I don't want to show people the love of God if I'm not living it. It's only been a week that I've been living the non-Christian life. When I say non-Christian I've just been cursing and not reading my bible and just not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Like I feel like my wild side is coming out. I'm beginning to like not reading the bible and I'm beginning to become interested in parties and alcohol . But I think it's because I've been in a shell for so long. I don't go out with friends. I don't go to parties . I don't do anything which is bad because now whenever I go out I get this wave of anxiety on me. I created my anxiety and it's my fault. But sometimes I blame my parents or my family members. Because all of my life I've been told drinking's bad that smoking's bad and that being at a party is bad. But let's be realistic. It's what every teenager is doing ! Every teenager is going out with friends and staying out until 1 am and going to parties, drinking , smoking and having boyfriends/girlfriends. It's what this culture is doing. And yeah adults will try and tell  you not every teenager is doing it. But trust me, I know about all of Pennsbury and it's what there doing .  Of course I don't have to engage in those activities. But sometimes I honestly want to. This Christian life becomes exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be a normal teenager. When I tell people my age that I don't drink or smoke they look at me like I'm crazy. So I feel like I'm missing out on "fun". I feel like I never learn to let loose, That I never can be myself and I'm always uptight. I feel like I don't even know how to have fun anymore. But it's because all I'm surrounded by are people that like to sit in there house and just talk all the time. When really I would rather be out in the world doing so many fun things! I know I have to learn to have a balance between having fun and being a Christian. I can't just go out drinking all the time and I can't just go out to parties when I please. The Bible says No to drinking. So I've always stayed away from it and I will continue to do so. But I still have an interest in going to parties and having fun. And I will. I'm not going to listen to people who tell me it's wrong. Because I'm not going to be the unfun person anymore. I want to be fun. I want to be out in the world with friends doing normal teenage things. & People will tell me to befriend people at church. But honestly it's everywhere it's even in church & I know because I'm friends with people from both of my churches and they all do the same thing.  It's hard to find a balance. I'm not going to drink or smoke ever in my life I hate it and I know it's wrong. But just because I don't do those things doesn't mean that I won't go to parties or go to the beach or just do fun things. It's time I stop being filled with anxiety and just go and be myself. God will tell me when enough is enough. & He will tell me when I'm doing wrong. I think all I have to do right now is pray about this and my choices and who I hangout with and just read my bible and get back into church. I need to start that life again and just build on that. But I'm not going to be sitting in my house anymore doing nothing. I'm going to go out with friends and be a normal teenager.

A Big Wake Up Call For Me

I realized today..That I judge way to much. I thought all of my life that people who smoke and drink are losers but really they aren't. There people like you and me who have lives, who do good in school, who have good jobs and who live healthy lives. Just because somebody drinks and gets drunk it doesn't mean that there bad people. & Just because somebody smokes weed it doesn't mean there losers and there going to be nothing in life. But that's all I've been told. From so many people. From Christian's, From non Christians and Teachers . "weed's bad". "Drinking's bad". But really it's our culture. Yeah of course in the bible it says don't do those things . Which as a Christian I will stand behind what the bible says. I won't do either of those things. But that's not going to stop me from hanging out with people my age who do those things. Because there still good people . Who am I to judge somebody based on them smoking weed or drinking? I've already been in situations where I've gotten asked if I wanted any alcohol . Which yes I've taken them.  I had my first drink when I was 10 years old. But when I found God I decided I wasn't going to engage in those activities. I've gotten asked a bunch of times after I found God and I've turned all of those opportunities down because I know it's not what God wants me to do. Which is perfectly fine. But I'm still going to be friends with people who engage in those things.  I will be in settings where I'm faced with alcohol and weed again but that's  fine because I will always say no. I will stand behind what God says. But I'm also not going to preach to others on what they should be doing and what's right and wrong because that's not my Job. That's the Lord's Job. I've learned I have to stop judging those people who do those things and accept them. Because some of them are the sweetest people you'll ever meet. Let's all be friends:)

How Meeting Someone Touched My Life

A Couple of weeks ago I was in the hair salon getting ready to get my hair done for my graduation from  high school. I've been going to the same hairdresser since I was young so I always go to her. As I was sitting down in the waiting room I was minding my own business just hanging out . Then  this stranger walked in and she sat down a couple of chairs away from me. She started talking to me about the hair salon and how she loves it there. But then she started getting personal with me. She began talking to me about bullying and how it affected her grandchildren's lives. She started asking me about my high school and she said the nicest things to me. She told me I was beautiful. She also smiled when I began to tell her I chose online school. She told me I made the best decision for myself. She also told me I was very Sentimental, That I was going to go far in life and that if I have God nothing will hold me back. It's people like her that give me hope. God gave me that lady to show me his love and that there are good people in the world. I will never forget her. I will always smile when I think of her . God gave me a blessing that day:)

This Generation

This generation makes me wonder how were going to be a successful world. We have kids on the computer and there iphones. We have kids playing video games instead of going outside. We have kids that disrespect there parents... But then again .Adults complain about this generation. But in reality they raised us. We wouldn't be who we are if it wasn't for the Adults of this generation. You see, back when adults were young there were less problems. A better economy and families had good times back then. Not to mention families had dinners back then at the table every night and there were good parents. Also kids played outside with there friends and there parent's weren't on there backs. Times are different now. The foundation of parents are gone. Celebrities have taken over the world, There's drugs an alcohol everywhere and insecurities that teens face. Adults are more on there children. There's more rules, Were not allowed to go wherever we please because now you can't even do that without dangers of getting kidnapped or something bad happening. Times have changed and I think adults forget that. There's brokenness everywhere. It's not like the Brady Bunch anymore . There are things we face at young ages that back than no kid would ever have to go through. We are the broken age. But I think that doesn't mean we can't be something or change things. I have hope for us. I just think Adults need to understand more of what we go through. It's a difficult time for us and nobody really can relate unless your a teenager or are growing up in this generation. It's not easy and it's really hard. Sometimes I wish I could just go outside with friends and do what I want. Sometimes I wish my family would have sit down dinners. Sometimes I wish there were no computers or cell phones or video games. But I'm growing up in this world where things have changed. There's kid's on heroin and cocaine. There's kids not going to church on Sunday's with there families. Your not even allowed to mention God in school anymore. People are getting raped and there's murders everywhere and arrests and break in's . There's bullying but instead of " You smell" like back then. There's " The world would be better if your killed yourself" kind of bullying. If your an adult I just want you to understand what we go through an that things aren't easy for us. We face things that you wouldn't even believe. If your a parent just understand your child and understand this generation.  I think relationships with your children would be much better if you just understood. That's the problem, Parents and family members just don't understand and they cannot possibly relate to us. That's why you have kids rebelling and not being nice to there parents. Because they can't possibly understand what we go through.

" Super Hero Franky"

Super Franky was the super hero of Levittown and all over bucks county and maybe even the world. I first saw his picture when somebody shared his mother's post on facebook about how he's doing and what he has. To this day I don't know how she did it. She worked her butt off to give the best to little Franky! That's an inspiration in it's own. Franky made me smile. Seeing the posts people would write about him and seeing his pictures brought tears to my eyes. I know having what he had must have been awful. But the awesome part was God was shining his light through it all. I would read some of the comments people would write on his  facebook page . The love I saw from people was amazing. It really gave me hope in this generation and this world. The kind words people would say and the prayers that Franky got were amazing. He was a beautiful young happy little boy. Despite the illness he had. That didn't bring him down. He still had a smile on his face. This area all came together for Franky. He passed away recently and that's really tough to deal with, That hit me hard because I thought why did God not fix this little boy? .  But really God had a plan for me through watching  Franky's life. Franky and his story and his life gave me hope. Franky gave me hope that everything will be okay within my life. Franky also gave me the strength to start a blog. Franky's mother makes me want to be a mother like her someday. And Franky helped me see the beauty in life even when it's dark. I never even met him face to face but seeing pictures and hearing his updates and stories. I felt like I already knew him. I also know that Franky is not in the ground. He is where he needs to be and that's heaven. God had a plan through Franky's life for all of us not just my life. That was inspiration. We all wouldn't be so inspired if it wasn't for Franky. We all wouldn't cherish our kids more or our family members more .We probably wouldn't have the strength to go on. Franky gave this dark town it's life back. Franky was our guardian angel and to this day I believe he will always be watching over all of us in heaven. I just ask that all of you stay strong through this. Because Franky's " Home". Franky is where he belongs and I will always remember him as the amazing little super hero that was a super hero in my own life:) Love you Franky!!!

An Eye Shadow That Made A Difference In How I View Sin .

My sister got me this expensive eye shadow pallet for my birthday in October. ( It lasted forever) I fell in love with this color called "Sin". It's just a beautiful simple, color that just makes my eyes pop. But I recently ran out. As I'm thinking about getting just the color again from Sephora instead of getting the whole pallet again it dawned on me. Sin is easy to fall in to. It's a temptation . It may be beautiful and silky and make us feel whole. But eventually we run out of steam and then where are we supposed to go? We should only go up. But we have to be the ones to make a choice. Do we want to be happy? Or Do we want to keep living this crappy life. That choice is up to you. Sin could look beautiful on the outside but once you get on the inside of it. It ruins your life. Sin is everywhere and whether we like it or not we have to face it everyday. And Yes we will fail at least one time each day. Because were not perfect and were all sinners. We just have to repent ( Ask God For Our Forgiveness). And then we are set to face another day. Each day is different. Each day we face different things. It just matters what we choose and how we make our choices better.

Yes, I did get this all from an eye shadow called Sin haha.