I Am Courageous.

Having Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease as well as Fibromyalgia and possibly Hypothyroidism( not sure yet). has been so damn difficult. At times I want to scream, at times I just don't wanna get out of bed but I fight every single day. I am going to give you the low down on what UCTD is. Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease, is an autoimmune disease. Much like Lupus ..The only difference is instead of my immune system attacking my organs..it attacks my Tissues in my body. Causes me to be in extreme pain everyday, feel tired and basically depressed. It kind of has symptoms of a bunch of different autoimmune diseases in one.  With  my Fibromyalgia it's just an all over stiff pain. I  also found out recently I have degenerative changes to my spine and a few bulging discs so that also doesn't lessen any of my pain. Living with UCTD is so hard, each day is a battle . Some days you feel great and others you feel so sick you can't move. Friends don't understand, family doesn't understand..it's a hard situation but it has for sure taught me a lot. I started to have symptoms when I was 12 years old..in 6th grade. I had no idea that it was the reason I became suicidal. I ignored all of my symptoms until it lead me to want to end my life. I HAD to go to school everyday and that was extremely difficult. Teachers thought I would never graduate or ever work in the real world. I was late to school a lot..wasn't passing my classes. I was trying to balance everything but I ended up loosing my mind and entering in a treatment center. Years later I finally got diagnosed. For the doctors at Penn I am forever grateful. I saw doctor after doctor and psychiatrist after psychiatrist and none of them could figure it out until I finally went to Penn Medicine. I still have depression issues today and newly developed anxiety that has become pretty serious nowadays. But  I am telling you all this to give you some hope. In today's evil world we need all the hope we can get and I hope my story of trial will help you reach you gain some faith in yourself. Every day I try not to focus on the fact that I'm sick. I try and focus on the love and the hope there is for my life . I get my strength from God and I get my hope at my job when I see my work kids faces everyday and how happy they are to see me. Some days at the end of the day like yesterday I could barely walk from my car to my house. I threw my stuff down took a bunch of ibuprofen..got in the shower and then went to bed. It was the worst pain I felt in forever. What having UCTD has taught me though is how strong I am and how I can get through anything. I have been through many difficult situations in my life and somehow someway I come out of them okay. I know as of right now there is no cure for this disease. But I know that I can manage this and I can work on being positive. One of the biggest emotions I have been having trouble beating is anger. I have lots of anger towards how I can watch other people go to college and get great jobs, find amazing boyfriends,  the kind of people who have just always naturally succeeded..and I've just never had that opportunity. But deep down inside I know that God has my back and he can fight off  evil. I stand tall everyday just by waking up at 5:30 am in the morning. I stand tall everyday by putting on my shoes and socks. I stand tall everyday by giving my job everything I have even if I am so incredibly exhausted. It's not easy but every body has a purpose in life and I know exactly what mine is. Which is to help others become the best version of themselves. I may not be at the best part of my life or where I want to be. But I have complete Faith and Strength. I have courage and I will not let this tear me apart if anything I will let God use me for good. If you are struggling with something in your life, always remember that even when you feel like you can't go another day there is a purpose for the next chapter. God needs to use you in somehow someway. God bless.

" God goes with her, and that's what sustains her".

This quote couldn't be anymore perfect for this time in my life. At this time in my life I have been battling many different emotions. Panic attacks, anger, feeling sick and overwhelmed. I am going to be honest...my relationship with God is slim. It is slim and it has fallen apart because I have failed to see. I have failed to see all of the great things God has given me, and I have only looked at the bad. I have only looked at I feel sick today or I don't wanna live today. Or I feel lonely today, instead of looking at the bigger picture. Today I had off from work so I sat around, slept in and had time to reflect on the past year. I haven't had the time to reflect on anything because I haven't had the chance to pause. Don't get me wrong, I've had lots of free time but none where I could get my brain to calm down. Well today it finally calmed down. I watched a movie about Anne Frank today, I've read the book but I have never watched the movie. I did just that and it brought me into her life. I couldn't stop watching. It put my life into perspective. I am so incredibly thankful I do not have to be in hiding. I am so incredibly thankful that I do not have to share my room with a male stranger. I am so thankful that I don't have to abandon my dog at home ( Anne left her beloved cat). I am so incredibly thankful that I have food and a home to live in. What I found most interesting though, is that Anne and I are similar. She argued with her parents and resented her mother when she only tried to help. I do the same thing, Anne writes...As do I hence for this blog that I keep. Anne had a sister who she thought was way prettier then her and I feel the same way about my sister. Anne had insecurities of feeling not pretty enough. I have those same insecurities . Yet her situation was way more difficult then mine and most people's. Anne made me appreciate my life and what it is. I couldn't imagine being separated from my family and never seeing them again. Watching my niece be taken away by evil men. But that is what happened with the Holocaust. That is what happened with Anne. Here's the thing though, I appreciate my life more... I have realized that even though it is purely horrible and dreadful at times. That I have a lot to look forward to. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am very blessed. I realized today that God has given me so much and I need to start thanking him. I need to start appreciating my surroundings. I need to start realizing that he gave me these health issues for a purpose. Even though I am so angry I am still so at peace. In the world there are so many bad things happening but yet so many people forget to see all of the beauty that happens out of tragedies. So even though my sickness is a negative thing in my life. I am not going to let it turn into something ugly, instead I want God's hand to be apart of it. I want God's hand to take something bad in my life and turn it into something beautiful. Not many people agree with my beliefs . Not many people believe in me and just think I'm a piece of garbage. However, I see much more in myself. I see a girl who has been pushed down, tortured and spit right out. I have seen her get right back up wobbly and unable to function but standing there fierce ready to fight. I am who I am and even though I have bailed on God for the past few months. I know he still loves me and he IS what sustains me. Without knowing him. Without feeling him. Without having an understanding of who he is.. I would be NOTHING. I would have NOTHING to look forward to when I leave this earth. I am thankful for God. I am also thankful for Anne Frank for showing her courage in her diary, so people would have an understanding of life during the Holocaust but also about being a teenage girl going through difficult times. My life isn't over, my story isn't over and I am going to keep shining the light in this world even if people judge me. God sustains me .

Going Through Poison.

All of my life I have gone through what I like to call Poison. Ever since I was a little girl I have been extremely unhealthy.   My mom had to endure a terrible pregnancy and I almost did not make it. I did not walk until I was 18 months. I got RSV which is an infection in the lungs when I was 2 years old. I had to be hospitalized and be put in a Oxygen tent. I was off an on sick my whole life with Asthma. I got lots of different tests done from Children's Hospital and St. Christopher's . My mom always knew my whole life that something was up but doctors just kept giving her the same answer NO. When I was in Elementary school I began having balance issues and leg pain. Went to doctor after doctor.. I just kept getting that I'm fine. When I reached middle school about 12 years old I began having Psychiatric issues and really started to suffer. My brain wasn't working the way it was supposed to. I wasn't succeeding in my classes and I was suffering. 6th-8th and 9th grade I went into treatment to get some help. After 9th grade my mom put me in a Cyber school.. It was the only way I could function and not be sick all the time. I was in remission from my Asthma, I still felt bad but not as bad as a I did before in other years.  I graduated and found rest...even though I was still suffering . It was a manageable suffering. Here I am years later at the age of 22 and It is no longer manageable. I have been through lots of ER trips. Lots of x rays , blood tests..you name it I've been through it. A year ago I finally received a diagnoses of a Connective Tissue disease. I got  put on my medication right away. A year later I am at the worst I have ever been. I have taken off of work so much because of how sick I have been. There has been 2 ER trips so far in the past 3 weeks. Not even counting 3 Urgent Care trips.  My lungs are giving up on me which now is requiring me to go see a Lung doctor. I am currently seeing a Neurologist for the possibility of having MS or another disorder. I am getting three MRI's in a matter of three hours this Saturday. The list has not even ended what might come next. I have been suicidal, exhausted and in extreme pain. At times I just want to throw in the towel and give up on my life. I JUST WANT ANSWERS. I want to be able to give birth to a child. I want a guy to love me for every part I am and get married someday. Sometimes though I feel like that's not going to happen because of how sick I am. I am trying to be the most positive I have ever been. I keep telling myself you'll get through this Amanda. It's going to be okay, but at times I just scream in my pillow, yell and cry to God.  The people in my life aren't being the most understanding. It's been hard and it's been the worst battle I have ever faced. I'm constantly ill, and fighting with everything in me to get through the day. Tonight  however my Grandmother said something to me and it struck me. Gave me an absolute sense of hope. Her husband, my grandfather John McMahon had colon cancer. He suffered for one year and then he left us on my Birthday in 2002. She told me that he felt the same way I do now. Even though I don't have cancer ( I might who knows). I feel like he is with me through this. I feel like he can relate to me because he knows what it means to suffer. He knows what it means to feel pain,  He knows what it means to be angry at God. He gets me and now I believe I understand why he enters my dreams sometimes. He chooses the days sometimes. Sometimes he comes once a year or once every few months but it's always encouraging. I wake up feeling so refreshed. I believe it is my Grandfather who is telling me I'm going to be okay. Who is giving me a hug from heaven and telling me that he is with me. I haven't dreamed about him in a long time but what I love about him most is that he comes right when I need him. Ya know what else? I admire him more than anyone because he did the best he could and he fought like no other. Because of him and what he taught me while I was six years old and I watched him lay in bed skin and bones. I am going to fight like him. I am going to fight for him because I know that's what he would want. He wouldn't want me to give up and become angry. He'd want me to take this head on and turn it into something better for myself. So honestly whatever else is wrong with me. I am making a promise to God, My Grandfather and anyone else that you best believe I am going to turn it all around and make it into something beautiful. Even though I suffer, even though there are days I am barely hanging on like today. I truly believe and understand that God has a plan for my life. A tremendous plan that I don't understand right now at the moment. I might get angry at him daily and ask why me? But I just know deep down that I am a special human being and that I will make something of all of this. I'm going to continue to fight like a girl and fight the way my Grandfather fought. I may be going through Poison right now, but I just gotta keep remembering to get better and to gain something sometimes you have to pull through the Poison. God bless.