Men...Men ..Men

Recently I have gotten my heartbroken. This year has been one of the worst years of my life with dating. I have put SO much effort into trying to find someone. I have let my guard down, I have let guys into my life and each time you know what happens? They break it. Or they turn out to be a serious awful person. I had my first real relationship this year. I let him into my life and my family. I wasn't necessarily attracted to him. EVERYONE told me being attracted to someone doesn't really matter. So I put looks aside and gave him a chance. Our first date was amazing, we ate dinner and talked in the car for 2 hours. It felt so great and legit. However, as time went on I started to see his true colors. He was getting drunk every Saturday night. He worked at a job and made $10 an hour and had absolutely NO plan for his future. He always wanted me to come to NJ when I simply just couldn't get there all the time. I feel that a relationship should be 50/50 so one weekend he should come to me and another I should go to him. He never took me on dates, and if we went on dates he had me PAY. I don't have a problem paying, but he had me paying ALL the time. He never had money for anything, he was absolutely broke. He also ate way too much. I don't judge someone's eating habits cause look at me I'm overweight. But when I say he could eat like five different things from Mcdonald's I am not kidding, and that's just too much for me. Not only that he's had so many girlfriends and to be honest they've all ended for the same reason! Every year he takes a different girl to a fire convention in wildwood and truthfully I wasn't gonna be that girl. Another girl that he's done the same thing with lots of other girls, I wasn't gonna be her. I ended things..he blocked my number, I blocked him on every social media account and removed him from my life. We dated for a total of 3 MONTHS. The way he was, in the beginning, was all a show, it makes me upset that his true colors didn't come out until like1 month in! Now after him I started going back on dating websites. I've made my fair share of mistakes. I fell for guys who didn't want me, who didn't appreciate me. Who just wanted to use me and leave. I got so many messages from people that were just odd or not the kind of person I'd want to date. I let guys into my heart who didn't deserve it. A few months ago I made the decision to go back to school. I began working with children with Autism and I found my passion. I found my home and where I belong in this world. But still, I always wanted to fill that hole in my heart. I was tired of being alone. I realized though, that may be searching online is the wrong place.  Maybe It's not the ideal place to find someone, maybe I shouldn't even look anymore. I realized I was putting SOOOO much energy into finding someone to be with that I took time away from LIVING. I was so concerned with seeing who messaged me, seeing my matches, searching! That I forgot how to live in the moment. I forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to appreciate life and all the great things that were around me. My best friend always told me over and over again that I needed to stop and appreciate the things about my life. I need to take a break from boys. Four days ago I deleted all of my dating apps. I went through my phone I deleted numbers from men who didn't deserve to talk to me. It is the most refreshing thing I have EVER done, I am so thankful I did that. Not only is it easier to think about life and what I'm doing. It is easier to be present in the moment. At this time I have realized I don't need anyone. I am perfectly content alone and I am letting God write my love story. I have realized that it'll happen when the time is right and I just don't need to look anymore. It feels so good to be on top of my game spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I feel so great for the first time in my life and I am so thankful. I am so thankful I took the steps at bettering myself. At this time I'm not letting any guy talk to me who doesn't deserve what an amazing woman I am. I am not giving anyone the time of day. I am living for ME. I am finding my success and following my dreams. Honestly? It feels really good. I am ready for whatever the rest of this year has for me, and I am excited about my future. Cheer's to being single, loving life and being an independent BAD ASS chick.


Love,

Your girl Amanda.

How I Have Had To Keep My Head Above Water

 


Head Above Water..Avril Lavigne's new song and my anthem for life. Leaning on God through sickness even when you feel like your dying. That's what I do every day. Every day I wake up I'm in pain, I'm sick and I'm sad but everyday,.. I say God, you are in control today and I let him take over. That little girl in the picture above was on steroids that made her gain weight. I used that picture because it reminds me of a sick childhood. I was always sick, and recently family members especially have told me they think I should stop going to doctors because I'm going to keep getting "diagnosis's " the more I go. But isn't that the goal? To find out , get treatment? So I can feel better?. This little girl in the picture above was sick. I used to lay in my bed and cry..my mom always rubbed my back and my legs because of my pain. I was on and off steroids for my asthma and was sick with something new every month. My parents took me to Chop and St. Christopher's since I was sixteen months...and still? And nothing. Doctors gave no answers. But here I was suffering just thinking to myself that what I was experiencing was normal. My mom thought maybe it was growing pains so we just left it at the fact that I was fine. Now that I am 23 It has gotten 100 x worse. People look at me and see me smiling and think I'm healthy. People look at me and say you can walk fine I just saw you..People look at me and think this is all in her head...But it is not. Since 2014 the year my niece was born I have been to multiple doctors. It took me to going down to the city for answers.  I met with this AMAZING doctor named Rahul Kapur who showed me a light I never knew. He was so patient, kind and reassured me he was going to get to the bottom. He found my autoimmune disease, he found my exertional compartment syndrome he really was amazing. I felt like I was on the right track with him. But then he left Philadelphia and moved far away. Since then I have been passed around like a rag doll. When I met with the top notch surgeon Brian Sennett and he told me no to Compartment syndrome surgery cause he wasn't sure I cried...because being in pain every day barely being able to walk makes my life harder. It is an embarrasment for me. Yes I can walk from my car to my house, or to a restaurant. Compartment syndrome doesn't present symptoms until at least 1 minute of walking. So of course I can walk a little bit but because I can't take long walks it is affecting my quality of life. I want to be able to run with my niece, go take long walks at the park, be able to walk the beach pain free. The beach I try to ignore because going there the pain gets so bad it puts me to tears my cousins have seen it. It breaks me, I think to myself every day I want to be a normal 23 year old. Full of life and promise. I recently got Diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome. Just another thing I have to worry about. It's been hard, it's been rough and people just don't understand where I'm coming from. I just want to give up sometimes and say forget it. My strength comes from God. When I wake up in pain and it takes me a bit to get moving I talk to him sometimes and just ask him to help me. There are days I am truly thankful for him where I feel great and healthy. Then there are days where I'm so angry asking God why...but the truth is ..slowly as the time is going on. I am realizing my purpose in the world. I am realizing that this pain I feel and the struggles that I have been going through are leading me to a bigger plan for my life. So I'm rolling with it.. I'm accepting it and working with it. I have felt like I am hanging on by a thread most of my life but I know God has a beautiful story he is writing for my life. I will keep my head above water no matter how long it takes. I have stayed a float this long. I'm going to keep at it. Never give up and have faith.

What Being A Virgin Feels Like In Today's Culture.

A few years ago when I was in 7th grade I went on a junior high trip with my church. We went to the mountains and although I had a miserable time cause I didn't know anyone, everyone was in there cliques and it just wasn't my thing. I also at that moment and time accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I never thought about holding onto my virginity until that moment. From that day I decided to make a commitment to the Lord to try and wait until marriage or at least until i fall in love with somebody. Since I've grown up into an adult I noticed how frowned upon it is to be a Virgin. Guys look at you like your crazy, they don't want to talk to you if your a virgin. It get's absolutely made fun of in every way possible and in my eyes I don't understand why. Sex to me is a beautiful thing, it was created by God for two people to come together as one. But in today's culture it's just used as pleasure and nowadays people just hookup to feel that pleasure. That's so disturbing to me because it's not even about Sex being beautiful or special.. instead it's about just doing it because once you have it, it becomes a drug and you get addicted to the feeling. I am tired of people looking down on me for making this decision to wait. I have no regrets and I will continue to give my all everyday to keep my Virginity until a guy comes along who gets the amazing chance to take it. I also find it really attractive when a guy is a Virgin himself because it means he has self control, he's mature enough to say no and he's strong enough to stay true to himself.  I get upset because it get's looked down on but it's just the culture were in and I know that I can't change our culture. So even though it get's frowned upon I will still continue to be true to myself and say no whenever I get asked. I will continue to strive to be an example for my niece and little ones. You know what I'm proud of though? Is that I have been able to say no. I have chosen to be DIFFERENT. I have chosen to stick out and stick up for something that means something to me despite what people think. I will never change. I will always continue to think of Sex as something 2 people who love each other should have. I will always think of sex as a magical, beautiful thing that should be with someone special in your life.  I will always Value what God has given us . I will value myself and know that I deserve a guy who will be respectful and wait until I'm ready. And most importantly, I will continue being myself.

Feeling Beautiful In A World That's Ugly.

Feeling beautiful in a world that's ugly is hard. It's harder then you can comprehend. People are always telling you left and right how you should dress and what you should wear. People are always saying who you should be , what you should act like ...Men!! have these ridiculous standards for what woman should look like. Being an adult in 2018 is hard enough but I can't imagine what being a young girl in this day and age feels like. I know for me my insecurities started when I was in 1st grade. The first time I ever thought I was ugly was when I had the chicken pox. I looked in the mirror with those red dots on my face and yelled I'm so ugly! That was just the start, when I was in 4th grade I began to become obsessed with my weight. I wouldn't eat lunch at some points because guys in my class always picked on me for being overweight. I never had a good amount of friends until I got into 5th grade, but even after that they all disappeared and we went our different ways from each other once 6th grade came. The media is honestly the worst because you have these woman who you look up to.  However, how they look is unrealistic because they have a "team" of people to help them look the way they do everyday. If I had a team of people I'm sure I'd be looking my best as well Insecurities start when your young and yes , I am about to be 23 but I still don't like the way I look from the outside. So I think for me feeling beautiful in a world that's ugly is starting small. I think you actually have to look in the mirror and pick out at least one thing or more{ if you can}about yourself that you like. I think you have to reinforce your head with positive things during the day. What I do when I'm at work and I'm having a bad day ... is I say positive things in my head. I'll say "you" can do it Amanda. It helps because it takes the negative comments that you'd make to yourself out of your head and replaces them with positive. But you wanna know what helps the most when your trying to feel beautiful in a world that's ugly? Is Jesus... You have to know your worth and know that God made you special. You have to know that he does not make mistakes when he creates something. So even if you don't fit in somewhere or you don't feel beautiful no matter what you do or try and change look to God. He has all the answers you need.. I'm going to be honest I've neglected God for a very long time but I am getting back into him little by little. Sometimes life takes you away from who created you. This world may be ugly...but were all beautiful and I think we all have to try a little harder at loving ourselves. Who cares who's better looking..what men say we should look like. The key to finding and loving ourselves is to look within and to the sky for answers. I'm not going to lie it is a really hard struggle but it is for sure possible to feel beautiful and fall in love with who you are. A couple of Bible Verses I  found...

Song of Solomon 4:7- You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you

John 15:9- As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.

Inspiration, Love and God's grace( A Letter To Myself)

This picture was taken a few weeks ago, it was one of my favorite selfies I have ever taken. However, it is also the saddest. It is an absolute fake smile and a smile that has gone on to just try and get through life. My faith has deteriorated, my friendships are failing. My relationships with my family is disappearing. Everything is absolutely going downhill. While on YouTube tonight I saw a Testimony of Selena Gomez at a Hillsong Conference from 2017. I only saw parts but it was enough to strike me down to my core. Selena finding Christ gave me some actual hope for once. Forever, I have thought if I was famous I'd be happy. Selena Gomez, has all the money in the world but yet that still did not bring her happiness. God did when she let him in to her life. So tonight, I decided to write a letter to myself. What I wrote became really empowering . I share my life with you guys because God has given me a gift of helping others. So I am going to share my letter with you.....

Dear Amanda, You have been eaten, chewed up and spit back out. You have been lied to. Treated like an outsider. You have been ignored. You have been bullied, verbally abused by people you thought loved you. You have been told you will never amount to anything. Men have treated you like an ANIMAL. Like your not human. And by there actions they have made you believe your ugly and you will never get the chance to be loved. You have been treated like a NOTHING. You have never been shown the LOVE YOU DESERVE. You have never been shown the correct way to love other people. You have just been an annoying bug that people don't like. You have tried numerous amounts of times to loose the 65 pounds you want to loose. Each time, you absolutely have failed. You are absolutely ADDICTED to food. It is like a cancer that you can't get rid of .You have been called fat since elementary school. You have been mistreated, disrespected. You have been given labels of multiple diagnosis's and you have let them define you. You have been treated like you are not worthy of living. But AMANDA I AM TELLING YOU NOW, THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU. I know this because GOD gives us hope. He loves you unconditionally and you are a CHILD of him. He wants you to be happy, safe and healthy. Believe in him, Trust in his word and who he says he is. Leave people behind who  make you feel like your not worth living a great life. Find your own calling and who GOD has CALLED you to be. Believe in yourself and RELY on God's strength. You have faced HELL since you were SIX years old. But GOD ERASES that hell and he frees you from those chains and gives you a new life. You have a new LIFE COMING filled with Joy and a never ENDING PEACE. You DESERVE so much MORE than you have been given. You DESERVE SO MUCH more than how you have been TREATED. You are worthy of love Amanda. You are God's precious daughter and you always have been. Never give that up..and keep searching to find who you are and let him CHANGE you. You are LOVED...He knows your mistakes and he gets rid of those to, and LOVES YOU ANYWAY.

Brings tears to my eyes that I wrote that, for sometime now I have really struggled with my relationship with Jesus. I am currently searching for a church home. Currently trying to find myself in the midst of this crazy world. But what I have found writing this letter to myself is that I LOVE MYSELF. I am aware of my issues and I know the ONLY thing that can fix them...Which is Jesus. I now know why my life was confusing and a mixed up mess. Because I gave up my faith up in people, in myself and in God. This letter to myself was so therapeutic, and gave me a whole new light. A light that I was missing and made me realize the thing I was really missing was God himself. Soo....THANK YOU, SELENA GOMEZ . For teaching me that being famous means nothing what matters is God's love and how you use it. What matters is he restores the broken, heals the sick and money does not make you happy. Only he can provide you with happiness.

A couple of my favorite verses:-

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, Plans to prosper not to harm you, but to give you a FUTURE AND A HOPE.

Philippians 4:13- I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength.

Romans 5:3- Not only so, but we also GLORY in our SUFFERINGS, because we KNOW that suffering PRODUCES Perseverance.

God bless you all! xoxo 

Beautifully Broken

For years I have been the girl that has been chewed up. I have been the girl that has never received an enormous amount of love. I have been the girl who has always been alone in life. For years I struggled with self acceptance and the willingness to go on. It has been a long ride that's for sure. What I will tell you though is that I have worked so hard every day to not end up as a statistic. You see, I have Bipolar. With Bipolar you have mood changes of depression, anger and manic episodes. It's not easy, It has costed me relationships with family members. Relationships with friends but I will tell  you there is hope out there. It is possible to function with Bipolar, your life is what you make it. You are not defined by a diagnosis. You are defined by who you are and how you use it. I have grown up being completely misunderstood , But through it all I have gained a deeper love and prospective for people. Everyone struggles but it's beautiful to know that through your struggle it is possible to find strength and courage. I have fought every day of my life and I have worked so hard on myself. I am finding my way in the world. It's so beautiful how God can take a broken woman and turn her into a beautifully broken woman. What I mean by beautifully broken is that through someone's story, they may be broken but they found beauty on the other side. I have found beauty in my life, even when I don't see it at times. I have grown so much since I was young . I have changed and I've found myself along the way. I'm still learning how to deal with my emotions. I am still learning to love myself. It's a long process but I am beautifully broken now. Not just broken and that's the best part of it all. If you have Bipolar or a mental illness do not be ashamed by it. For years I have shamed my Bipolar. Thought I was gross, weird and that I was never going to make it. However, when I started to accept my Bipolar I learned I am not gross or weird. I am beautiful and I learned that I can be an example that you are not defined by your diagnosis. You are defined by what you make your life. Life is beautiful. Stay strong and realize your not alone. You are worth something.

God's Imperfect Beauty

The title of this blog speaks for itself.  I haven't been to a church in months, haven't read my bible in months. Haven't prayed in months and haven't thought about God at all for months. I feel such a dark cloud over me and it's because I walked away from my faith a little bit this year. I walked away because I just feel lonely even when I'm at church, I feel full of anxiety. Things keep happening in my life that are causing me to second guess my relationship with him . I don't really have any good Christian mentors or people that I feel I can trust. I just feel completely judged with everything that comes out of my mouth. Over the course of this year I have also lost who I am a little bit. I can't find my church home and as I am writing all of this I feel like people are going to say "your being negative" but I will say that I am trying everyday to be positive. But what I know about God and what I learned about him is that even when I walk away, even when I have anger and anxiety ..he still listens to me. I am God's imperfect beauty. I am not a perfect Christian I'll admit it. I am far from it and I'm sure every other Christian will say the same that nobody is perfect. I think God views me as his beautiful daughter and I also think he understands my situation and why I have walked away a little bit. What I am really praying for is for someone amazing to walk into my life. Somebody who can help me grow and who doesn't bring negativity into my life. Somebody who can guide me and help me with my walk with Christ. I don't have anyone right now and I think that's the worst part. I just feel alone. I guess I decided to write this because it is my therapy and I've been seeing some pretty dark days. So I ask for everyone's prayers that I will come out of this strong. I know I will because everything I have faced I have come out of . I will continue to try and find myself in the midst of all of this "stuff" I am working hard to try and fix. What I love about God though is he still loves me no matter what I choose.