Living With UCTD, Bipolar, Anxiety and Fibromyalgia.

Finding out I have multiple medical issues was really hard for me to hear. I didn't want to hear it, I ignored it for years. I found out I had Bipolar and Anxiety when I was 15. At first my psychiatrist thought it was just depression but we later found out after 3 years of suffering that It was indeed Bipolar. Hearing those words broke me. I thought how am I ever going to be able to get over this and get better. How is anyone going to want to date me, they might think I'm crazy. I actually started to loose friends because people just couldn't deal with my ups and downs. Which is completely understandable. I recently got diagnosed with UCTD which is "Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease". It is an autoimmune disease where my immune system attacks my tissues, organs and body in general. It is a real and hard thing to live with. I also got diagnosed recently with .Fibromyalgia that has been a hard thing to deal with as well. Going through this has been very difficult. I've been suffering for years. I just did not do anything about it. I ignored the symptoms. Everyday I feel sick. I wake up and I'm in so much pain I have trouble getting dressed. So now I basically go to work with my hair up, no makeup and just throw on clothes and brush my teeth. I get nauseous daily and sometimes at night. To the point where I will wake up out of a deep sleep and get a bag and sit up for an hour. I can barely walk anymore without my legs going numb or without pain whenever I walk. It is a struggle for me. My lungs don't function properly especially on top of my asthma. My anxiety attacks daily especially with driving has been hard. I have trouble driving anywhere new where I need my GPS. I also have anxiety whenever I'm out with friends. I don't know how I make it everyday. Now my doctors think I have another diagnosis which is MS ( Multiple Sclerosis). I don't know If I do that's why I'm going to a doctor to check. My rheumatologist thinks it is a possibility. Probably one of the hardest parts of this whole suffering thing is that people have not been compassionate towards me. Instead people keep telling me my doctors just want my money, I don't have this or that. It's all in my head. Just exercise and it will go away. That has been hard to hear because people especially my family DO NOT understand what I go through. They NEVER WILL. There also not doctors so they have no authority to make opinions or assumptions.


Through it all though, through the ups and downs and the days where I feel I can't get up. Somehow I find hope and strength. I pray daily and ask God to get me through. I remind myself that it's okay to take a day and relax. I remind myself it's okay not to go out one night when I feel like my week was hard and I don't feel good. I remind myself I am human and that I make mistakes. I remind myself I have a huge heart and that I can get through anything. I remind myself God is using me to do good in this world. I remind myself that this just a bump in the road. I remind myself that I can be a light to other people suffering.


Through this I have learned that I am a strong, beautiful woman. I have learned who my true friends are and the family I still want to keep in contact with. I appreciate the people who have been nothing but a support and love. I love you all so much .

If you are struggling or living with a disease I promise you, that you can get through it. You can fight. I fight everyday and yes it's hard but I will NOT give up. I am determined to have a great life and I will never let this be a set back. I will enjoy my life and I am determined to love who I am. I also couldn't get through this without God. He has been my light and has given me strength.

As I make more appointments and go to a new doctor to possibly check for MS. I ask for prayer in hopes I don't have it.  Thank you everyone. I love you all.

Being The "Bigger" Girl.

Growing up I was always the "Bigger Girl". Ever since I could remember. Probably around Kindergarten is when I started to gain weight. I was put on lots of medication and steroids for my lungs. That in itself made me blow up like a balloon. At a young age I was bullied for my weight. There was one boy who tortured me and who made me feel like I was a complete loser. I remember just laying in my bed at night hoping that I'd grow a little taller so my weight would even out. However, that never happened. I kept gaining weight. My medication, eating habits and lack of exercise I just kept putting on the pounds. I eventually became unhappy with myself. Middle school was one of the most difficult times in my life. That is when I started having crushes on boys and started feeling alone. Only because my friends were so beautiful and small . Guys loved them and I always wondered what was wrong with me. Although at the time I didn't realize that middle school your not really supposed to be in a serious relationship yet haha. In high school I still felt alone. I was bullied in 9th grade for my weight. I remember falling going up the stairs and these boys laughed at me. But little did they know I had a bad morning and wasn't living at home. I had to come to school that day and wipe my tears it was awful. Just to add them laughing at me made my day even worse. I guess over the next few years I just continued to feel ugly. I felt ugly because guys just were never really interested. My  friends started getting serious boyfriends and I was left in the dark. Guys would never want to get to know me. Guys would never be interested and it was because of my appearance. When I looked in the mirror though all I saw was beautiful. So I couldn't understand why other men weren't seeing the same thing. High school was difficult and I will be honest with you all. I've still never had a serious boyfriend. I have tried dating websites and everything in between. None of it has worked. I am very picky but that is only because I feel I deserve the best. In all honesty though right now in my life. I feel like I love myself. Being the bigger girl is hard though. People always tell you that you should loose weight or not wear this and that.  I figured out I can wear those tight pants if I want. If I want to show a little skin I can show it. I am proud to be who I am. I think I am one of the most amazing people in the world. I always put everyone before me and I always try and love everybody. I figured out that if people do not see that in me or they judge me based on my weight. I have figured out that they don't deserve what a beautiful person I am. Being the bigger girl has had it's bad moments. Being bullied by men has been very hard. But through it all I have learned to never judge anyone for there weight. I have learned to love other people and treat them the way they deserve. I have learned to enjoy life and embrace who I am. I don't need to change for anybody. ANY GUY who doesn't see the beauty in me does not deserve me. If you are the bigger girl I encourage you to love yourself. People will always try and tell you things that discourage you and make you feel less than you are. You have to remember though that you are a Queen . Flaunt who you are and never loose sight of your innocence. I probably will always be the bigger girl. However, I am proud of that. Not because I am overweight, but because I have learned to love who I am. I know I'll eventually find a guy who loves me for me. Until then I will keep loving who I am and helping others. I wouldn't change being the bigger girl for the world.