How being a Godmother changed my life...

Three years ago I got the biggest blessing of all, I got asked to be the Godmother to this little boy. When I found out his mom was pregnant I was so excited! But putting my hand on her belly to feel him move was even better. I knew what I had to do to get ready for him to enter into the world. I prepared myself and got myself ready to be the best influence I can be for him. The day of his birth was rather exciting. I woke up at 5 am and went to rices with my family. I then got a call that his mommy was being rushed to the hospital because she was going into labor. When I arrived at the hospital I waited in the waiting room for awhile. I did not want to miss my Godson being born! Then after awhile he finally came and I got to meet him for the first time. It was so magical, when I saw him I was overwhelmed with joy. I sat down in a chair and he was placed in my arms and I knew in that moment our relationship was going to be special. I spent the next few days going to the hospital everyday and enjoying my time with him. After about a week I went and visited him at home and changed my first poopy diaper ever! It was such a blessing to be able to spend time with him! As he has grown he has turned into an amazing little boy! Sometimes I think he's even smarter than me! He calls me Manda and when I see him he brightens my day! He loves Paw patrol, ninja turtles, and video games. He loves to play hide and seek and he loves the outdoors! You see, Mason made me grow up. He made me realize what love truly means. Of course I love my other family members. However, when your a Godmother the meaning of love changes. Love is patient and kind and beautiful, It's when you think about somebody and you get happy and feel a warmness in your heart. That's what love is! Mason made me realize that it does not take much to be happy! We have to appreciate what we have. I have turned into the best human being because of him, because he showed me that love is greater than anything else. I would do anything for this little boy, I would give up my life to save his. Hearing his laugh, seeing his smile, watching him grow has been the biggest joy in my life! I will always support him no matter what, I will always be somebody he can look up to. I will always give him nothing but love. Mason Caleb Bennett has made me a better human being and he has brought me nothing but joy, happiness and peace. He is God's gift to me and I will forever be thankful that I have a little boy that looks up to me and loves me for me. I can't wait to continue to watch him grow for the next 15 years until he's 18!!

Being a Godmother is being called to be a light into that child's life. I am thankful everyday for him, 

If you have a baby or child in your life..Whether it's a Godchild or your own child or a niece or nephew or cousin. Be the best person you can be for that child. Show that child love and cherish every moment with them. If you have to change to be the best role model to that child then do it! You are all in my prayers, your all wonderful, beautiful, inspiring people! I will continue to pray for all of you!

We are in chains because we are chained to our world.

Were young..we don't know what God's plan is. We are still figuring ourselves out, it's confusing. What do we want to be, Who do we want to be? How can anybody our age or younger come up with these answers...we are in a broken world that does not even know to repair itself. We are in such a deep rut we don't know how to escape. We are in chains because we are chained to our world. We have to look a certain way, feel a certain way, dream a certain way, we have to be everybody's puppets instead of who we are. We should be able to cover ourselves in tattoo's if we want without feeling judged. Girls should be able to walk out of there house without make-up and still feel beautiful. Guys should be able to express themselves however they need in a healthy way. We should be able to be who we want to be as people because that is all we are. We are humans and I think what our parents and adults from a different time age don't understand is that our world is way more broken then it was. We don't get the freedom to go outside on our own anymore, we could get kidnapped. We have drugs and alcohol everywhere we turn. We come from broken homes that are hard to live in. We don't know how to act or who to be because of the world we have grown up in. It has formed us to be somebody we are not. That's why I made the decision to be ME! I broke off the chains. If I wanna get tattoo's I will get tattoo's. If I wanna carry my bible with me everywhere, I'll carry it. If I want to dress modest, I'll dress modest. If I wanna be funny and crack jokes, I will! I can choose who I am. The world does not define me, I do not have to make tons of money to be happy. I do not have to wear my hair a certain way to get guys to like me. The world is full of crap and that's why I decided to try and change it. Even if it's something small , it is something great. That is why I started this blog, to be a light to the world that this world is lacking. Even if I have my own issues myself that I need to work on, I know I'm supposed to do this and that God is calling me to do this. Be who you want to be!! Let your real attitude and your real beautiful personality and appearance come through! Don't cover up and let this world define you. Don't let your parents tell you who to be or anybody else for that matter. God made you for who you are and if you try and change that, cover it up with makeup or big muscles your going to be unhappy. Everybody deserves happiness and the first part of becoming happy is saying F you to the world and digging out the real you and expressing it. I see strength in all of us, I believe we could change the world if we just put down the bad and bring out the good. If we just stop living how this world makes us live and just be ourselves. We may be the broken age, but we sure as hell are stronger than most. I give props to us being this young and getting through. You should be very proud.

Show the real you, express, love, pray and enjoy life!!

My thoughts and prayers to all of you..

I know somewhere deep down your struggling. I know that something in your life might be confusing, you might feel lonely, unaccepted and just down right tired. I know what it's like to feel that way, and it is the worst feeling in the world. However, I know you will get through it. Overtime I have had to deal with my anxiety, my anger issues, my pain and coping skills to get over my past. At times it can be difficult and I really have to go back and retrain my brain to get the bad thoughts out. At night it's the worst because I lay in bed and old memories will come back and it is not a good feeling. In order to get rid of that, I pray aloud or write my thoughts down. I just want you to know, I've been where you are and you are all in my prayers. Whether we talk or not it does not matter because you have a big purpose in the world. Life stinks sometimes, that's apart of it. You just have to stay strong and realize that this world is temporary and not permanent. The permanent world is heaven. God loves you more than anything! It says so in the bible! I love you all, Your beautiful, well rounded human beings and I never want you to forget that!!!

Relax, think of the ocean and summer!!!<3.

What it's like being the "Fat" girl

 In elementary school I began to gain a lot of weight. I started to eat my feelings away. The only way to deal with my pain was to eat. That's all I did was eat, Shortly over time I just gained and gained. I thought I was beautiful when I was younger, even If I was bigger. I didn't see myself as ugly until sixth grade came. When sixth grade came it was a different story. I began to get bullied for my weight, Guys wouldn't talk to me. I had no friends besides a few but they were mostly girls. I would walk down the hallway and guys would make fun of me. The one day when I was walking to the school bus, somebody that lived down the street from me told me I was too fat and that I was causing cracks in the sidewalk. I will never forget what I felt in that moment. I still to this day don't like him and I never have and never will. I was football manager in middle school in 8th grade and some of the guys were so sweet, but I knew what the rest were thinking. Some of the guys on the football team laughed at me because I was wearing skinny pants, Another guy used to call me a fat f*** when I was carrying the waters to put them back where they belong. & I never told the coach because I was too nice and I didn't want to crush anyone's dreams. I thought be the bigger person and just let them make fun of me. Imagine that, a girl who's putting her whole effort into helping the football team and it still isn't good enough. My self esteem declined and I just lost it after that. I kept gaining weight and when I got put on medicine for my depression and anxiety I gained 50 lbs because of it. So I was even more over weight. Now that I'm in college I have seen the way guys have treated me and honestly I've gotten zero respect from anyone. All because I'm a bigger girl it makes me different. I would hangout with my best friend and she would call her guy friends and we'd all hangout but they weren't there for me, they were there for her. As you can see it hasn't been easy being me. Everybody always told me over the years I'd be happy if I just lost some weight. However, I refuse too and here's why. If I lost the weight I would be "socially accepted". I'm sure guys would be running towards me, I'd have more friends and life would be "great". Why change just to be liked by guys and other people? I need to love myself first then loose the weight if I feel like it. So I began to love myself, I still love my bigger size. I love my body at times, I think I look great when I dress up. I feel beautiful when I have makeup on and my hairs done. I feel like that's who I am, a beautiful , perky , happy human being and honestly I wouldn't change myself one bit. Yes, I could exercise more but I am healthy and getting my blood work done every six months proves so. No matter what people say about me or how guys treat me, I will always know I am beautiful. I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful heart. Somebody that would do anything for anybody, that would save a life. I am a good person who never deserved how I got treated in the past. I made a decision that I wasn't going to let it define me, Yeah I think about it and get sad. However, I wouldn't change a thing. The guys that made fun of me in the past, I pray there doing well. If somebody else was in my position I'm pretty sure they would have told somebody. But I didn't, because I figured it's not my job to judge. How do I know what there going through? They could come from an abusive father who doesn't know how to treat a woman. I don't know, but I figured I'd let them live there life. All I know is I'm happy being me and if nobody can accept it that's there problem. We have to love our bodies. If we don't love ourselves first, nobody is going to love us. It's apart of being strong and being the woman God embraced us to be. I may be the "fat" girl but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am proud being me, I am proud that I am a good person and that no matter how people treat me I'm always kind back. Love your body, no matter what size you are, you are beautiful. It took me years to realize mine is beautiful. You just gotta shut out everybody's opinion and work hard and embrace YOU.

Growing up with a choice...

Growing up my parents gave me a choice, almost like a freedom. Do I want to believe in God or not? They gave me the decision and freedom to choose my beliefs. Growing up I was never forced into christian music, I was never forced into church. I was never forced into modest clothing. I was never forced into watching The Brady bunch or the little house in the prairie, instead of mtv or a pg-13 movie. I was given a choice on what I wanted. My parents brought me to church on my own will. If I wanted to go , I'd ask my dad to wake me up. If I had a question about the bible I'd ask my parents. My parents read me bible stories growing up. They would always play the Gaither's and watch tv sermons. But I didn't have to pay attention if I didn't want to.  I guess the point is I'm glad I was never forced, because I believe if I was forced I would run away from God. I saw God on my own and met him on my own. All my parents did was show me that God is there. My parents showed me the light of God. They didn't say you can't watch Laguna beach because there's kids making out, or you can't listen to Eminem because there is horrible language. They let me make my own choices. I am super thankful for that to this day and I will raise my children the exact same way. I have learned that when children have a voice in what they believe and freedom to make there own choices. They turn out just fine, All parents need to do is be a "light". Show your child God's love by being a loving person. If they see you as a parent helping other people, attending church, reading your bible and always smiling. Your child will begin to wonder what's going on with you. & They will begin to ask questions like I did. When your child is forced they begin to sin because they don't see "love", They see a strict home full of criticism and judgement. I may not be a parent yet, but I have learned a lot from seeing my Godchild and little cousin's grow. Giving a child freedom and a choice is a beautiful thing and it will make your child love you and love the world and that to me is important! Thank you mommy and daddy!

What it's like to have family members and friends as drug addicts...

So recently I have been struggling so much. Balancing school, trying to find a job that makes me happy and dealing with my own insecurities. However, there are deeper issues going on farther than my control. I have family members addicted to drugs. I don't know how I can keep going with the ups and downs of having addicts in my life. It is so exhausting, I have been through so much trauma in the past nineteen years. I cannot even comprehend how I am still here. I can't even tell you how many times I wanted to take my life, I thought about taking my life a lot but actually, But I planned to take my life twice and received help. However, help only goes so far. Medication and counseling helps us cope. But those two combined together do not help the situation we live in or the people we are surrounded by. I didn't get a choice on who my family was going to be when I was born, God chose my family for me. So I guess I'm left with them. Yes there are good times, but there are also really bad times. I think what people don't understand is that having multiple addicts in your family is like pain beyond belief. When you are not around the addict your okay, because you can finally think of your own thoughts and get your life together. But when you are around an addict a hundred thoughts race through your mind. Such as,

• Are they okay
• Are they high
• How can I keep them from calling there dealer
• Look at the track marks on there arms:(
• I can't keep doing this
• I need to get them help
• I need to move out
• I need to pray for them
• I need God to save this person...

Many thoughts come to mind and it is very difficult. For the past nineteen years of life I have only tried to be a good person. "innocent" Amanda. The kind of person that loves there family no matter what.  However, in an addicts mind they don't care. They could careless about me or how I feel or that I'm there family member. All they want is the drug, that is all they see in there minds and that hurts a great deal. I have tried so many times to change myself because I thought maybe if I change they will begin to see and say wow I need to change like her! But that has not happened, not once so I just stopped changing. I have evolved to be a broken hearted person. I have seen so many things from big thought out fights, to drug deals, to somebody being high 24/7 and not making the right decisions. Overtime you begin to see the addict change, from that once kind person to an evil devil like human being. They begin to steal, they begin to look like there dying and they begin not to care.  I wish I could change the addicts thought pattern, I wish I could throw out the drugs, I wish I could just punch the addict sometimes. However, I have realized the only one that can change an addict is God.  I have done everything I could have. I have given it my all to try and change every person in my family or friends list and I just cannot do it anymore. I can no longer be the adult, I can no longer be responsible for those people. I have to move on and focus on other things and worry about my own life. I have been trapped in an addicts world for a long time. Overtime you begin to not think straight, or even look the same anymore. I do know God is there and he has listened to me cry and curse horrible words a million times. He never leaves me and I know that. I guess just watching an addict grow overtime is like watching bullets go straight through you. No matter how many times you want to stop them from coming, they keep coming as fast as they can. I guess I'm writing this because I need to vent, but also I need people to see what an addict does to somebody. Hopefully an addict will read this and try and change. Or hopefully somebody can read this and say " I feel the same way". I know that there is hope and I keep praying God will change things. I just have learned that I cannot be the one to try and change the addict. God is the only one who can. I pray for all of you and I pray that you do not have to go through what I have been through. If you are going through something similar, I only pray that you find God. God is the ultimate redeemer and he can change things, he can change YOU. We all have the power to be good people. I try everyday, I just have to set little reminders in my brain not to give up. As soon as I get my degree I can get a job somewhere far and leave and only keep contact with people who have shown me there love over the years. You are all in God's hands. I am in God's hands and I know he will get me through.

God Bless,

Amanda.