Men...Men ..Men

Recently I have gotten my heartbroken. This year has been one of the worst years of my life with dating. I have put SO much effort into trying to find someone. I have let my guard down, I have let guys into my life and each time you know what happens? They break it. Or they turn out to be a serious awful person. I had my first real relationship this year. I let him into my life and my family. I wasn't necessarily attracted to him. EVERYONE told me being attracted to someone doesn't really matter. So I put looks aside and gave him a chance. Our first date was amazing, we ate dinner and talked in the car for 2 hours. It felt so great and legit. However, as time went on I started to see his true colors. He was getting drunk every Saturday night. He worked at a job and made $10 an hour and had absolutely NO plan for his future. He always wanted me to come to NJ when I simply just couldn't get there all the time. I feel that a relationship should be 50/50 so one weekend he should come to me and another I should go to him. He never took me on dates, and if we went on dates he had me PAY. I don't have a problem paying, but he had me paying ALL the time. He never had money for anything, he was absolutely broke. He also ate way too much. I don't judge someone's eating habits cause look at me I'm overweight. But when I say he could eat like five different things from Mcdonald's I am not kidding, and that's just too much for me. Not only that he's had so many girlfriends and to be honest they've all ended for the same reason! Every year he takes a different girl to a fire convention in wildwood and truthfully I wasn't gonna be that girl. Another girl that he's done the same thing with lots of other girls, I wasn't gonna be her. I ended things..he blocked my number, I blocked him on every social media account and removed him from my life. We dated for a total of 3 MONTHS. The way he was, in the beginning, was all a show, it makes me upset that his true colors didn't come out until like1 month in! Now after him I started going back on dating websites. I've made my fair share of mistakes. I fell for guys who didn't want me, who didn't appreciate me. Who just wanted to use me and leave. I got so many messages from people that were just odd or not the kind of person I'd want to date. I let guys into my heart who didn't deserve it. A few months ago I made the decision to go back to school. I began working with children with Autism and I found my passion. I found my home and where I belong in this world. But still, I always wanted to fill that hole in my heart. I was tired of being alone. I realized though, that may be searching online is the wrong place.  Maybe It's not the ideal place to find someone, maybe I shouldn't even look anymore. I realized I was putting SOOOO much energy into finding someone to be with that I took time away from LIVING. I was so concerned with seeing who messaged me, seeing my matches, searching! That I forgot how to live in the moment. I forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to appreciate life and all the great things that were around me. My best friend always told me over and over again that I needed to stop and appreciate the things about my life. I need to take a break from boys. Four days ago I deleted all of my dating apps. I went through my phone I deleted numbers from men who didn't deserve to talk to me. It is the most refreshing thing I have EVER done, I am so thankful I did that. Not only is it easier to think about life and what I'm doing. It is easier to be present in the moment. At this time I have realized I don't need anyone. I am perfectly content alone and I am letting God write my love story. I have realized that it'll happen when the time is right and I just don't need to look anymore. It feels so good to be on top of my game spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I feel so great for the first time in my life and I am so thankful. I am so thankful I took the steps at bettering myself. At this time I'm not letting any guy talk to me who doesn't deserve what an amazing woman I am. I am not giving anyone the time of day. I am living for ME. I am finding my success and following my dreams. Honestly? It feels really good. I am ready for whatever the rest of this year has for me, and I am excited about my future. Cheer's to being single, loving life and being an independent BAD ASS chick.


Love,

Your girl Amanda.

How I Have Had To Keep My Head Above Water

 


Head Above Water..Avril Lavigne's new song and my anthem for life. Leaning on God through sickness even when you feel like your dying. That's what I do every day. Every day I wake up I'm in pain, I'm sick and I'm sad but everyday,.. I say God, you are in control today and I let him take over. That little girl in the picture above was on steroids that made her gain weight. I used that picture because it reminds me of a sick childhood. I was always sick, and recently family members especially have told me they think I should stop going to doctors because I'm going to keep getting "diagnosis's " the more I go. But isn't that the goal? To find out , get treatment? So I can feel better?. This little girl in the picture above was sick. I used to lay in my bed and cry..my mom always rubbed my back and my legs because of my pain. I was on and off steroids for my asthma and was sick with something new every month. My parents took me to Chop and St. Christopher's since I was sixteen months...and still? And nothing. Doctors gave no answers. But here I was suffering just thinking to myself that what I was experiencing was normal. My mom thought maybe it was growing pains so we just left it at the fact that I was fine. Now that I am 23 It has gotten 100 x worse. People look at me and see me smiling and think I'm healthy. People look at me and say you can walk fine I just saw you..People look at me and think this is all in her head...But it is not. Since 2014 the year my niece was born I have been to multiple doctors. It took me to going down to the city for answers.  I met with this AMAZING doctor named Rahul Kapur who showed me a light I never knew. He was so patient, kind and reassured me he was going to get to the bottom. He found my autoimmune disease, he found my exertional compartment syndrome he really was amazing. I felt like I was on the right track with him. But then he left Philadelphia and moved far away. Since then I have been passed around like a rag doll. When I met with the top notch surgeon Brian Sennett and he told me no to Compartment syndrome surgery cause he wasn't sure I cried...because being in pain every day barely being able to walk makes my life harder. It is an embarrasment for me. Yes I can walk from my car to my house, or to a restaurant. Compartment syndrome doesn't present symptoms until at least 1 minute of walking. So of course I can walk a little bit but because I can't take long walks it is affecting my quality of life. I want to be able to run with my niece, go take long walks at the park, be able to walk the beach pain free. The beach I try to ignore because going there the pain gets so bad it puts me to tears my cousins have seen it. It breaks me, I think to myself every day I want to be a normal 23 year old. Full of life and promise. I recently got Diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome. Just another thing I have to worry about. It's been hard, it's been rough and people just don't understand where I'm coming from. I just want to give up sometimes and say forget it. My strength comes from God. When I wake up in pain and it takes me a bit to get moving I talk to him sometimes and just ask him to help me. There are days I am truly thankful for him where I feel great and healthy. Then there are days where I'm so angry asking God why...but the truth is ..slowly as the time is going on. I am realizing my purpose in the world. I am realizing that this pain I feel and the struggles that I have been going through are leading me to a bigger plan for my life. So I'm rolling with it.. I'm accepting it and working with it. I have felt like I am hanging on by a thread most of my life but I know God has a beautiful story he is writing for my life. I will keep my head above water no matter how long it takes. I have stayed a float this long. I'm going to keep at it. Never give up and have faith.

What Being A Virgin Feels Like In Today's Culture.

A few years ago when I was in 7th grade I went on a junior high trip with my church. We went to the mountains and although I had a miserable time cause I didn't know anyone, everyone was in there cliques and it just wasn't my thing. I also at that moment and time accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I never thought about holding onto my virginity until that moment. From that day I decided to make a commitment to the Lord to try and wait until marriage or at least until i fall in love with somebody. Since I've grown up into an adult I noticed how frowned upon it is to be a Virgin. Guys look at you like your crazy, they don't want to talk to you if your a virgin. It get's absolutely made fun of in every way possible and in my eyes I don't understand why. Sex to me is a beautiful thing, it was created by God for two people to come together as one. But in today's culture it's just used as pleasure and nowadays people just hookup to feel that pleasure. That's so disturbing to me because it's not even about Sex being beautiful or special.. instead it's about just doing it because once you have it, it becomes a drug and you get addicted to the feeling. I am tired of people looking down on me for making this decision to wait. I have no regrets and I will continue to give my all everyday to keep my Virginity until a guy comes along who gets the amazing chance to take it. I also find it really attractive when a guy is a Virgin himself because it means he has self control, he's mature enough to say no and he's strong enough to stay true to himself.  I get upset because it get's looked down on but it's just the culture were in and I know that I can't change our culture. So even though it get's frowned upon I will still continue to be true to myself and say no whenever I get asked. I will continue to strive to be an example for my niece and little ones. You know what I'm proud of though? Is that I have been able to say no. I have chosen to be DIFFERENT. I have chosen to stick out and stick up for something that means something to me despite what people think. I will never change. I will always continue to think of Sex as something 2 people who love each other should have. I will always think of sex as a magical, beautiful thing that should be with someone special in your life.  I will always Value what God has given us . I will value myself and know that I deserve a guy who will be respectful and wait until I'm ready. And most importantly, I will continue being myself.