Feeling Beautiful In A World That's Ugly.

Feeling beautiful in a world that's ugly is hard. It's harder then you can comprehend. People are always telling you left and right how you should dress and what you should wear. People are always saying who you should be , what you should act like ...Men!! have these ridiculous standards for what woman should look like. Being an adult in 2018 is hard enough but I can't imagine what being a young girl in this day and age feels like. I know for me my insecurities started when I was in 1st grade. The first time I ever thought I was ugly was when I had the chicken pox. I looked in the mirror with those red dots on my face and yelled I'm so ugly! That was just the start, when I was in 4th grade I began to become obsessed with my weight. I wouldn't eat lunch at some points because guys in my class always picked on me for being overweight. I never had a good amount of friends until I got into 5th grade, but even after that they all disappeared and we went our different ways from each other once 6th grade came. The media is honestly the worst because you have these woman who you look up to.  However, how they look is unrealistic because they have a "team" of people to help them look the way they do everyday. If I had a team of people I'm sure I'd be looking my best as well Insecurities start when your young and yes , I am about to be 23 but I still don't like the way I look from the outside. So I think for me feeling beautiful in a world that's ugly is starting small. I think you actually have to look in the mirror and pick out at least one thing or more{ if you can}about yourself that you like. I think you have to reinforce your head with positive things during the day. What I do when I'm at work and I'm having a bad day ... is I say positive things in my head. I'll say "you" can do it Amanda. It helps because it takes the negative comments that you'd make to yourself out of your head and replaces them with positive. But you wanna know what helps the most when your trying to feel beautiful in a world that's ugly? Is Jesus... You have to know your worth and know that God made you special. You have to know that he does not make mistakes when he creates something. So even if you don't fit in somewhere or you don't feel beautiful no matter what you do or try and change look to God. He has all the answers you need.. I'm going to be honest I've neglected God for a very long time but I am getting back into him little by little. Sometimes life takes you away from who created you. This world may be ugly...but were all beautiful and I think we all have to try a little harder at loving ourselves. Who cares who's better looking..what men say we should look like. The key to finding and loving ourselves is to look within and to the sky for answers. I'm not going to lie it is a really hard struggle but it is for sure possible to feel beautiful and fall in love with who you are. A couple of Bible Verses I  found...

Song of Solomon 4:7- You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you

John 15:9- As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.

Inspiration, Love and God's grace( A Letter To Myself)

This picture was taken a few weeks ago, it was one of my favorite selfies I have ever taken. However, it is also the saddest. It is an absolute fake smile and a smile that has gone on to just try and get through life. My faith has deteriorated, my friendships are failing. My relationships with my family is disappearing. Everything is absolutely going downhill. While on YouTube tonight I saw a Testimony of Selena Gomez at a Hillsong Conference from 2017. I only saw parts but it was enough to strike me down to my core. Selena finding Christ gave me some actual hope for once. Forever, I have thought if I was famous I'd be happy. Selena Gomez, has all the money in the world but yet that still did not bring her happiness. God did when she let him in to her life. So tonight, I decided to write a letter to myself. What I wrote became really empowering . I share my life with you guys because God has given me a gift of helping others. So I am going to share my letter with you.....

Dear Amanda, You have been eaten, chewed up and spit back out. You have been lied to. Treated like an outsider. You have been ignored. You have been bullied, verbally abused by people you thought loved you. You have been told you will never amount to anything. Men have treated you like an ANIMAL. Like your not human. And by there actions they have made you believe your ugly and you will never get the chance to be loved. You have been treated like a NOTHING. You have never been shown the LOVE YOU DESERVE. You have never been shown the correct way to love other people. You have just been an annoying bug that people don't like. You have tried numerous amounts of times to loose the 65 pounds you want to loose. Each time, you absolutely have failed. You are absolutely ADDICTED to food. It is like a cancer that you can't get rid of .You have been called fat since elementary school. You have been mistreated, disrespected. You have been given labels of multiple diagnosis's and you have let them define you. You have been treated like you are not worthy of living. But AMANDA I AM TELLING YOU NOW, THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU. I know this because GOD gives us hope. He loves you unconditionally and you are a CHILD of him. He wants you to be happy, safe and healthy. Believe in him, Trust in his word and who he says he is. Leave people behind who  make you feel like your not worth living a great life. Find your own calling and who GOD has CALLED you to be. Believe in yourself and RELY on God's strength. You have faced HELL since you were SIX years old. But GOD ERASES that hell and he frees you from those chains and gives you a new life. You have a new LIFE COMING filled with Joy and a never ENDING PEACE. You DESERVE so much MORE than you have been given. You DESERVE SO MUCH more than how you have been TREATED. You are worthy of love Amanda. You are God's precious daughter and you always have been. Never give that up..and keep searching to find who you are and let him CHANGE you. You are LOVED...He knows your mistakes and he gets rid of those to, and LOVES YOU ANYWAY.

Brings tears to my eyes that I wrote that, for sometime now I have really struggled with my relationship with Jesus. I am currently searching for a church home. Currently trying to find myself in the midst of this crazy world. But what I have found writing this letter to myself is that I LOVE MYSELF. I am aware of my issues and I know the ONLY thing that can fix them...Which is Jesus. I now know why my life was confusing and a mixed up mess. Because I gave up my faith up in people, in myself and in God. This letter to myself was so therapeutic, and gave me a whole new light. A light that I was missing and made me realize the thing I was really missing was God himself. Soo....THANK YOU, SELENA GOMEZ . For teaching me that being famous means nothing what matters is God's love and how you use it. What matters is he restores the broken, heals the sick and money does not make you happy. Only he can provide you with happiness.

A couple of my favorite verses:-

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, Plans to prosper not to harm you, but to give you a FUTURE AND A HOPE.

Philippians 4:13- I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength.

Romans 5:3- Not only so, but we also GLORY in our SUFFERINGS, because we KNOW that suffering PRODUCES Perseverance.

God bless you all! xoxo 

Beautifully Broken

For years I have been the girl that has been chewed up. I have been the girl that has never received an enormous amount of love. I have been the girl who has always been alone in life. For years I struggled with self acceptance and the willingness to go on. It has been a long ride that's for sure. What I will tell you though is that I have worked so hard every day to not end up as a statistic. You see, I have Bipolar. With Bipolar you have mood changes of depression, anger and manic episodes. It's not easy, It has costed me relationships with family members. Relationships with friends but I will tell  you there is hope out there. It is possible to function with Bipolar, your life is what you make it. You are not defined by a diagnosis. You are defined by who you are and how you use it. I have grown up being completely misunderstood , But through it all I have gained a deeper love and prospective for people. Everyone struggles but it's beautiful to know that through your struggle it is possible to find strength and courage. I have fought every day of my life and I have worked so hard on myself. I am finding my way in the world. It's so beautiful how God can take a broken woman and turn her into a beautifully broken woman. What I mean by beautifully broken is that through someone's story, they may be broken but they found beauty on the other side. I have found beauty in my life, even when I don't see it at times. I have grown so much since I was young . I have changed and I've found myself along the way. I'm still learning how to deal with my emotions. I am still learning to love myself. It's a long process but I am beautifully broken now. Not just broken and that's the best part of it all. If you have Bipolar or a mental illness do not be ashamed by it. For years I have shamed my Bipolar. Thought I was gross, weird and that I was never going to make it. However, when I started to accept my Bipolar I learned I am not gross or weird. I am beautiful and I learned that I can be an example that you are not defined by your diagnosis. You are defined by what you make your life. Life is beautiful. Stay strong and realize your not alone. You are worth something.