I'm slowly coming around..

I feel myself slowly coming around and becoming new again. I started to listen to christian music again.. I forgot how happy Christian music makes me feel. It makes me feel whole, it makes me feel loved , free and happy. I found this song It Is Well By Bethel and I fell in love so much. I loved it so much that I began to cry while listening to it. I got chills and it touched me to the point of where it softened my heart. My heart has not been softened in months. I've been so uptight and angry because of stupid life. Music changes that in my especially Christian music. I think it changes my heart because it has beautiful words. It is not full of drugs, sex or bad language. It's all about love and the heart and soul. In my opinion if you fill your mind with good things then you will see a change in yourself. I started to realize today that I've been filling my mind with junk. I may not be where I should be with God right now. I am working on my relationship with him. I am going to try to spend everyday with him and pray out loud and dig deep to see what I find. I honestly, feel like I just lost touch with him almost. I feel like I'm the prodigal son in the relationship. However, I am willing to change if he just lets me feel him. I haven't felt God in such a long time. I know some of it is my own doing but sometimes I wish he would just show up once in awhile. I'm dropping everything and I am letting him into my soul to see what he does. He changed my heart before, I believe he can change it again if I just put the baggage down. I am blessed to be sitting here writing this because in sixth grade I almost ended my life. I do know that If I wasn't here I'd be sad because I would've missed the birth of all of these wonderful babies in my life. I know I am loved...I just hurt sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like my heart's been ripped out. I have figured out that I will always go through ups and downs, its just a matter of figuring out the balance. I pray God will give me peaceful balance. I don't intend to be perfect, I just want peace. I want to be a better person. I wanna stop yelling at my mom and dad and I wanna be there for family members who need me. I wanna stop judging people based on there choices and I wanna work on my anger. It's a really long process but slowly I'm coming back. I know it's not going to be an immediate fix but I truly believe I will be changed. I just want to thank my family and friends and church family for dealing with my psycho self. I've been through so much but you all have been there every single step of the way. Couldn't be more blessed. I may not know my purpose right now and I may be hurting or confused. However, I know there is a reason behind this and I will find myself again. It's just a matter of time until I am singing on stage again at church, I just gotta get my heart together first<3.

To Be Honest....

This post is about me being honest on how I feel about my life and certain things. Call me rude or any other name in the book. In my opinion honesty is the best policy. Right now I am at a crossroad in my life, I am not sure where I am headed. I am very confused, hurt,angry, sad. I don't know how to deal with what is going on in my life right now. I really put my trust in God, I really thought he was leading me to be a counselor, now I'm thinking this wasn't the case. In a way I am hurt, because being a counselor was my dream for six years and I feel like it is being taken from me. I look around me and see family members doing so well, I see my friends doing well and then there's me . With not a steady job and not sure which career path to go on. I kind of think in the back of my head, why do people have it so easy? I have met some people who don't even have to study and they still get A's. However, there's me who spends hours and hours trying to figure out just one simple question. I often ask myself, when can I get a break? My whole life I've been trying extra hard at everything. But, nothing great has happened for me. In my life there has been more sorrows then joy. It gets exhausting after awhile. I've been through life's ups and downs for all of my life. I've never had it easy, people say I have but in all honesty it's not the truth. I've battled with bipolar, anxiety, stress, fear, anger , depression my entire life. There has never been a time where I haven't had sad thoughts or feeling of hopelessness. Everyday is a battle for me, and sometimes I just wish people would understand where I am coming from. I question God and why he has done this to me. I think is this his punishment? Did I do something wrong and now he's gonna make my life hard? I don't know, I don't know what he wants for me. Right now I am very confused. I guess I'm even more confused because I look around me at my examples and think these are the Christian examples I have? Christians who are judgmental, unhappy, and ignorant people? There has only been a select few that I have met that have opened there arms to me. Everybody else just makes me not even want to believe in God at all. I also wonder why God gives money to people. A lot of people my age, get things handed to them. There mom or dad buys them a car, pays for there college, and an apartment and extremely nice vacations. I have never gotten that luxury. I don't know what it's like to have expensive things or go to the Bahama's for vacation. Those people do not know how lucky they truly are, but yet they still complain. Why? I have no idea, This world is confusing to me, some of the nicest people I know aren't Christians at all and in my opinion it honestly, should be the other way around. I've just spent my entire life trying to meet up to everybody's expectations. I have always wanted to make my family proud and I feel like, I have only let them down. I have never done well in school . I have never achieved awards or done great in sports. I was getting mental health care my entire life basically, that I never even got to be a normal teenager. I just have questions, that people have yet to answer. I have questions about different religions and why my relationship with God is failing. I know maybe it's because of my own doing, but I'm starting to see that religion separates people from being who they are. I would love to be a Christian that could love others as Jesus does. I would love to be a Christian that would stop listening to secular music or stop watching certain tv shows and start living for God. However , I'm beginning to see the ignorance that is involved. It makes me sad, I should not feel this way. I should feel love and compassion and a changed heart. I did for awhile, but that changed as my life began to unfold and I began to question. All of my friends tell me I am judgmental. I am starting to believe that I am this way because of Christianity. I don't have many friends, I've never had the opportunity to go to a high school party or be a normal teenager because Christianity made me an uptight person with anxiety and fear. I worry about what my parents would think when I make choices. I worry about is God judging me? I have so many fears that were not there at the beginning of my life. I just want to know why I feel this way. I want to be able to enjoy my life and I feel like I am not able to. I wanna be free, I wanna feel able to dress how I want. I want to feel able to listen to any kind of music. I want to feel able to go to concerts and raves, and be independent with my friends and not have to worry about what people would say. What's the point of this life? If were just passing through? That's what is confusing to me. God put us here, for what? To live here for awhile and then go to heaven? Then there's no purpose. I guess you can say I'm a frustrated Christian...Actually, I don't even know what I want to call myself anymore. I am just being honest and sharing the truth of what is going on inside of my heart. I hope one day all of these questions and worries will go away and I will finally have peace. I feel like I deserve peace after all I have been through. Sometimes though, I feel like I will never be able to be "free". That's all I want. I feel like I've been stuck in a bubble my entire life and I've never gotten to be me. I hope one day I can find a balance between loving God, and being "free".