Recently I have gotten my heartbroken. This year has been one of the worst years of my life with dating. I have put SO much effort into trying to find someone. I have let my guard down, I have let guys into my life and each time you know what happens? They break it. Or they turn out to be a serious awful person. I had my first real relationship this year. I let him into my life and my family. I wasn't necessarily attracted to him. EVERYONE told me being attracted to someone doesn't really matter. So I put looks aside and gave him a chance. Our first date was amazing, we ate dinner and talked in the car for 2 hours. It felt so great and legit. However, as time went on I started to see his true colors. He was getting drunk every Saturday night. He worked at a job and made $10 an hour and had absolutely NO plan for his future. He always wanted me to come to NJ when I simply just couldn't get there all the time. I feel that a relationship should be 50/50 so one weekend he should come to me and another I should go to him. He never took me on dates, and if we went on dates he had me PAY. I don't have a problem paying, but he had me paying ALL the time. He never had money for anything, he was absolutely broke. He also ate way too much. I don't judge someone's eating habits cause look at me I'm overweight. But when I say he could eat like five different things from Mcdonald's I am not kidding, and that's just too much for me. Not only that he's had so many girlfriends and to be honest they've all ended for the same reason! Every year he takes a different girl to a fire convention in wildwood and truthfully I wasn't gonna be that girl. Another girl that he's done the same thing with lots of other girls, I wasn't gonna be her. I ended things..he blocked my number, I blocked him on every social media account and removed him from my life. We dated for a total of 3 MONTHS. The way he was, in the beginning, was all a show, it makes me upset that his true colors didn't come out until like1 month in! Now after him I started going back on dating websites. I've made my fair share of mistakes. I fell for guys who didn't want me, who didn't appreciate me. Who just wanted to use me and leave. I got so many messages from people that were just odd or not the kind of person I'd want to date. I let guys into my heart who didn't deserve it. A few months ago I made the decision to go back to school. I began working with children with Autism and I found my passion. I found my home and where I belong in this world. But still, I always wanted to fill that hole in my heart. I was tired of being alone. I realized though, that may be searching online is the wrong place. Maybe It's not the ideal place to find someone, maybe I shouldn't even look anymore. I realized I was putting SOOOO much energy into finding someone to be with that I took time away from LIVING. I was so concerned with seeing who messaged me, seeing my matches, searching! That I forgot how to live in the moment. I forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to appreciate life and all the great things that were around me. My best friend always told me over and over again that I needed to stop and appreciate the things about my life. I need to take a break from boys. Four days ago I deleted all of my dating apps. I went through my phone I deleted numbers from men who didn't deserve to talk to me. It is the most refreshing thing I have EVER done, I am so thankful I did that. Not only is it easier to think about life and what I'm doing. It is easier to be present in the moment. At this time I have realized I don't need anyone. I am perfectly content alone and I am letting God write my love story. I have realized that it'll happen when the time is right and I just don't need to look anymore. It feels so good to be on top of my game spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I feel so great for the first time in my life and I am so thankful. I am so thankful I took the steps at bettering myself. At this time I'm not letting any guy talk to me who doesn't deserve what an amazing woman I am. I am not giving anyone the time of day. I am living for ME. I am finding my success and following my dreams. Honestly? It feels really good. I am ready for whatever the rest of this year has for me, and I am excited about my future. Cheer's to being single, loving life and being an independent BAD ASS chick.
Love,
Your girl Amanda.
