Head Above Water..Avril Lavigne's new song and my anthem for life. Leaning on God through sickness even when you feel like your dying. That's what I do every day. Every day I wake up I'm in pain, I'm sick and I'm sad but everyday,.. I say God, you are in control today and I let him take over. That little girl in the picture above was on steroids that made her gain weight. I used that picture because it reminds me of a sick childhood. I was always sick, and recently family members especially have told me they think I should stop going to doctors because I'm going to keep getting "diagnosis's " the more I go. But isn't that the goal? To find out , get treatment? So I can feel better?. This little girl in the picture above was sick. I used to lay in my bed and cry..my mom always rubbed my back and my legs because of my pain. I was on and off steroids for my asthma and was sick with something new every month. My parents took me to Chop and St. Christopher's since I was sixteen months...and still? And nothing. Doctors gave no answers. But here I was suffering just thinking to myself that what I was experiencing was normal. My mom thought maybe it was growing pains so we just left it at the fact that I was fine. Now that I am 23 It has gotten 100 x worse. People look at me and see me smiling and think I'm healthy. People look at me and say you can walk fine I just saw you..People look at me and think this is all in her head...But it is not. Since 2014 the year my niece was born I have been to multiple doctors. It took me to going down to the city for answers. I met with this AMAZING doctor named Rahul Kapur who showed me a light I never knew. He was so patient, kind and reassured me he was going to get to the bottom. He found my autoimmune disease, he found my exertional compartment syndrome he really was amazing. I felt like I was on the right track with him. But then he left Philadelphia and moved far away. Since then I have been passed around like a rag doll. When I met with the top notch surgeon Brian Sennett and he told me no to Compartment syndrome surgery cause he wasn't sure I cried...because being in pain every day barely being able to walk makes my life harder. It is an embarrasment for me. Yes I can walk from my car to my house, or to a restaurant. Compartment syndrome doesn't present symptoms until at least 1 minute of walking. So of course I can walk a little bit but because I can't take long walks it is affecting my quality of life. I want to be able to run with my niece, go take long walks at the park, be able to walk the beach pain free. The beach I try to ignore because going there the pain gets so bad it puts me to tears my cousins have seen it. It breaks me, I think to myself every day I want to be a normal 23 year old. Full of life and promise. I recently got Diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome. Just another thing I have to worry about. It's been hard, it's been rough and people just don't understand where I'm coming from. I just want to give up sometimes and say forget it. My strength comes from God. When I wake up in pain and it takes me a bit to get moving I talk to him sometimes and just ask him to help me. There are days I am truly thankful for him where I feel great and healthy. Then there are days where I'm so angry asking God why...but the truth is ..slowly as the time is going on. I am realizing my purpose in the world. I am realizing that this pain I feel and the struggles that I have been going through are leading me to a bigger plan for my life. So I'm rolling with it.. I'm accepting it and working with it. I have felt like I am hanging on by a thread most of my life but I know God has a beautiful story he is writing for my life. I will keep my head above water no matter how long it takes. I have stayed a float this long. I'm going to keep at it. Never give up and have faith.
